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Thread: Naiadknight's chronicles page 36

  1. #351
    naiadknight's Avatar
    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    Primal Fuel
    Anywho, walked all over Dillard$ and the mall to find my mother a birthday gift, then went to the grocery store for stuff for Victoria's party tom and such.
    Meatza tonight.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  2. #352
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    Quote Originally Posted by naiadknight View Post
    Mine isn't so much therapist material as deep soul searching reflection and internal meditation material.
    Everyone needs a good dose of this once in a while -- it's grounding and orienting (or re-orienting). I think this is one of my fave quotes (sorry, I'm a quote-junkie), though maybe you're already familiar with it? "Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens." -- C G Jung

    Hear you on the cards.... it's not a good feeling at all. Although I try to see the crap as opportunities for personal growth, sometimes it just feels like one big eff'ing rip off. Hopefully you can take some comfort in this supportive community that sees so many good things in you.

    Enjoy your meatza!

  3. #353
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    Quote Originally Posted by marcadav View Post
    The fact that you are aware of your issues speaks volumes. I understand the feeling of getting too many shitty cards dealt your way.

    this plus a zillion. while having the cards to deal with is indeed shitty, it is so good that you are of the mental state to recognize them.

    bravo on the excellent progress and the job stuff!!


    HANDS OFF MY BACON :: my primal journal

  4. #354
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    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    Thanks. To all y'all (yes there is a plural y'all. I live in TX. Shaddup.)
    I know that these experiences are merely tools and methods in my sculptor's toolbox: a shaver here, a wedge there, and plenty of experience to keep things fresh. I'm not talking a Sculptor in a spiritual or religious way, more how I sculpt myself with what I learn from my experiences. It can feel like my life is being a real BITCH sometimes, but I know two things: I'm better off than 95% of the world right now, and I was raised tough. I can take all that life deals to me, laugh, work with that hand, and proceed to make Fate and myself proud with what I do to make it work.
    I consider those who follow my journal and couple others on this board true friends. Just 'cause we've never met in person doesn't mean squat. If you don't particularly care about my past or my issues, don't read the rest of this post. If you prefer to keep some belief that I'm sweet and innocent and have never had the world turn on me, 2 things: 1) you're full of shit, 2) stop reading here. For the rest of you who are still with me, let me take you on ride.....
    I was born to two relatively happy, consenting adults in a rough part of town. Drive- bys were a weekly occurrence and ladies of the night/ drug houses were both down the block. We lived there my whole childhood. Fast forward 2 years, there's my middle sister, C, and my parents are still pretty happy. My mother is diagnosed with hypothyroidism and postpartum depression, later pronounced "cured" of the PPD. 2 years later, she sets a precedent by packing up the two of us and running to PA to stay with a penpal for the winter. I have no clue how much of why, how, and what happened to my father when we left. I do know he was probably only told as she was packing the car. Fast forward 3 more years and there's my youngest sister, P, my parents are both taking their respective paths of destruction.
    Over the years, My father drank more and more and got freer and freer with the swats and belt. I distinctly remember trying to shield my sister's bodies with mine several times over the years. I was older, my body could take what theirs couldn't. I remember hoping that my Dad would go for the wine or Scotch, because beer made his temper worse and he really only hit us when he'd had a few. I remember being hit with a belt over a broken glass of milk because he's had a few and had had a shitty day at work. I'm pretty much beyond that, but it did make it where I really can't drink milk or eat certain foods without memories associated to them, memories that aren't worth the food they are attached to. The only link I actually NEED to purge is the one between a fight between my parents (my father didn't quite fix enough for dinner and my mother refused to eat, even though there was enough for the 5 of us) and stir fry with mushrooms in it, which makes it very difficult for me to eat certain types of mushrooms.
    My mother has suffered from (scratch that, part of me wants to say she enjoys every second of it, even though I know from my major depression that's not accurate) major depression and suicidal depression for 17 of my 25 years on this earth. I've been the one who's stopped both her suicide attempts, I've been the one who's had to talk her into coming home after she ran away again. More or less, those were her methods of dealing with stress: abandon everything and literally run away from her problems, or if that doesn't work or she's too far gone, attempt suicide. I will say, with utmost conviction, that a 10 year old should not have to talk the knife out of her mother's hand and a 15 year old should not have to talk her mother off a bridge.
    Because of my parents issues spiraling further and further out of control, I was forced to take on more and more of the mother role in the house, acting as mother for my siblings as well as my mother, calming my father, and trying to keep the house presentable. Again, nothing a child or teenager should ever have to deal with. All that and I kept straight As and Bs in the most rigorous academy program in the Dallas area.
    We were shown, time and again, that anything but the "good" emotions (happy, proud, beatific, peaceful, yadayadayadabullshit) were a quick way to provoke issues with one parent or the other (getting hit, yelled at, or my mother running off.) So I learned to internalize any "bad" emotions (angry, depressed, irritated, frustrated, etc) and never show any of them to the world.
    In my sophomore year of high school, it all got to me and I started spiraling into major suicidal depression. That was one of the darkest points of my life, culminating in me holding a knife in one hand, staring at my wrist, and calling my best friend to say goodbye. What I actually said was "I have a knife in one hand and my wrist in the other. Talk me out of it." He did. I nicked myself with the blade, deep enough to cause a scar, to remind me of the reasons I decided not to do it.
    I got the hell out and went on to college across the state from the drama. Away from the drama, I started dealing with it piecemeal, both on my own and with a therapist. That was another dark period in my life, but I wasn't suicidal most of the time, even if I was depressed. That's where I sorted the stuff with my dad out. I was still adamant that my mother hadn't really affected me.
    Fast forward 5 years and I have my husband and a home. My husband nudged me on it several times and I started facing my demons with my mother. That's still an ongoing battle, mostly because she still is depressed, still causes drama, is still zombied out by her antidepressants, and still refuses to go see her thyroid doctor to get checked. I'm reasonsbly certain that my body's enough like hers that since a correct dose corrected mine 95%, it should correct hers reasonably well.
    I've said for years that I wanted no children until I could control my temper and I had my issues with my mother under control. I'm NOT passing that onto my children.
    That's a brief rundown of my life up to present day, excluding school and work issues. That and a few other stories explain much of my psyche and my issues. I realize that this come across as somewhat whiny, but- you know what?- I don't give a shit.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  5. #355
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    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    Round 3 of today:
    Meatza was delicious. Job is still in limbo. Jeff Dunham is fucking awesome live and has developed a new character and is in "Dinner for Schmucks."
    Only exercise today was adult fun, wandering around the mall, and hauling 20 lb of groceries to and from the car. Play was laughing my ass off for 2.5 hrs at the Jeff Dunham act. Slept for 10 hrs. Mind as above.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  6. #356
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    marcadav is online now Senior Member
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    From someone who lived a similar life, I can tell you, you do not come across as whiny. It takes GREAT courage to open the "secret" doors of family dysfunction.

    Opening those doors and facing the reality of one's life speaks volumes -in regards to psychological/emotional awareness, stability, growth, healing, and a desire to do and be better.

  7. #357
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    Strong story there Naiad. Speaking as someone who was bullied for the most part of his school I can relate, but on a different level. There were times I had also had the knife on my wrists. Being told each day that you were inferior to others does something to you.
    Sometimes you need to be told the truth in order to be able to see it.

    My journal

    I see grain people...

    Exist in shadow, drifting away.

  8. #358
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    Naiad,
    Thank you for sharing that story.
    I might not have had the chance yet to meet you in person; but I have seen your incredible strength and beauty, both inside and out.
    I'm deeply honored that you consider me your friend.

  9. #359
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    FWIW, I've never thought of your journal as even the slightest bit whiny. Although I only 'know' you via your journal, the words that come to mind are smart, real, interesting, thoughtful, beautiful, and fun. What you've dealt with and come through is a testament to your strength.

  10. #360
    naiadknight's Avatar
    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    Primal Blueprint Expert Certification
    Let's see what yesterday's damage at Vicky's party was...
    1. Eat lots of animals, insects and plants.
    Grazed all day, so there really is no meal breakdown
    12 deviled eggs, 1 grilled bacon wrapped chicken thigh, 1 grilled chicken drumstick, probably 2 cups of lettuce eaten out of hand, 1 tomato slice thingy with onion, 1 c Fruit Heaven
    And the damage:
    1/8 of an 11x17 heath bar coffeecake (I ignored it all evening until the very end, should've kept ignoring it), 5 bites of peach cobbler (I would've finished my plate, but my stomach stood ground and said "You eat anymore of that and then you WILL see what you ate again."), 1 aniseed cookie (and by cookie, I mean something 1/4" in diameter and 1/8" tall."),1 Guinness, and 1 Irish car bomb.
    Went home, husband and guys hadn't eaten, so had some chicharonnes and salsa at the restaurant.
    2. Move around a lot at a slow pace.
    Walked probably a mile back and forth at the party. I rarely sat down.

    3. Lift heavy things.
    Not unless you count... nope, I got nothin.

    4. Run really fast every once in a while.
    That didn't happen either

    5. Get lots of sleep.
    I worked that party on 7 hours of sleep. I needed more, but I couldn't fall back asleep.

    6. Play.
    Swimming, splashing around the pool on a lounger floatie, and trying to belly dance in said pool.

    7. Get some sunlight everyday:
    Was in sun until after I burned. Oops.
    8. Avoid trauma.
    brilliant lobster red sunburn on my shoulders, upper chest; not so angry sunburn under the boobs, on the front of the upper thighs, and my face. Dealing with a headache today, unsure if that was the alcohol (I highly doubt it), dehydration (my bet), or wayyy more sun than I've gotten in years (also my bet.)
    9. Avoid poisonous things.
    Flour, sugar, and alcohol. So no. But I'm calling that my 20% for the next few days.

    10. Use your mind
    Met many new people, talked with several of said new people, tried to belly dance with the resistance of the water, and tried to let down my guard so I could actually make friends. That last one didn't work very well.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

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