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Thread: How to Ask or Being More Considerate of Others page 3

  1. #21
    fiercehunter's Avatar
    fiercehunter is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by Knifegill View Post
    People are temporary. You only have to pretend to be nice for awhile, then they go away. And then you will wonder why you were trying to be nice to them, since they all abandoned you anyway. People are mostly a pile of fragile trash. Treat them as such, and you will survive.

    Your friends might be complimenting you when they tell you that you are an asshole. Since I've had to decode human communication from square zero, I've learned that what you hear is rarely what was said. You may have heard, "You are a rude person and need to change, to treat us better and become more like-able to earn our social trust and guarantee your survival if you become homeless or otherwise impaired." When, in reality, they were saying, "Good god, you're so aggressive and proud, standing for what you believe in and not bending to persuasion. I respect you, and you are someone I can count on to be an asshole for me in times of need, when I am threatened or in a debate."
    Treat others the way you want to be treated.

    Stop focusing on others and their faults and focus on yourself. Deal with yourself first. Stop acting like people and this world have some kind of power. Stop being a baby.

    Forgive, and you do yourself a lot of good. You are not your own master and a law unto yourself and you won't be until you do what everyone else who has risen up out of this world has had to do. So stop clenching your teeth and get on with it.

  2. #22
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    YogaBare is offline Senior Member
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    This is just a hunch but, is there any chance your friends are trying to put you "back in your box"? Like, before you lost the weight you were the kind of guy they could push around, and now you've lost the weight, have changed a little (are you a teeny bit more confident?), and they don't like that?

    People often feel threatened by change and then find a way to blame it on the other person.
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

  3. #23
    kenn's Avatar
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    Not a romantic relationship a romantic encounter or two or three

    Also might help if you get a job working with your peers or older people
    Starting Date: Dec 18, 2010
    Starting Weight: 294 pounds
    Current Weight: 235 pounds
    Goal Weight: 195 pounds

  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by EagleRiverDee View Post
    I would say if you are clinically depressed, that's probably the biggest contributor to you acting like an Ass#ole. You'll have to get a handle on that if you expect to be easier to be around.

    The Church conversion thing I think isn't a cause, or an effect, just is. Actually oddly I feel quite similarly and have been leaning towards converting from protestant to Catholic also, for similar reasons. It just feels right. And while I can see your parents being weirded out by it, at the same token I guess I don't see why that should impact their parenting of you. My parents never did care what I did religion-wise, they figured it was up to me. Seems like your parents need to set the religion issue aside and just be your parents.

    As far as changing, I would say "fake it until you make it." Seriously. Smile, even when you don't feel like it. Ask how people are doing, even when you don't care. Hold the door for someone. Practice kindness. The feelings will follow, eventually. And practice gratitude as well- that will help you with your depression. Actively think each day for a bit of time- this can be a meditation or part of your prayers- of the things you are grateful for. Try and think of people you are grateful for. And since you have already brought religion into it, ask the Holy Spirit for help changing into the better person you want to be.
    I'm coming to a similar conclusion that I'm going to have to force myself to be nicer to others in order to make things easier for everyone, at least until I find a doctor I feel can help. As for the Church thing, my religion never was a choice before. We always went to a Baptist church-always. Even when we were in Alaska we found one (of all places for Baptists to be). I never attended any other type of church, ever. Catholicism has been a revelation to me, especially since all I ever knew about it was what I was told by the Baptists (which generally boils down to "the Catholics are misguided and wrong, you can't reason with them so pity them but make sure to make at least one Catholic related joke every Sunday").

    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post
    This is just a hunch but, is there any chance your friends are trying to put you "back in your box"? Like, before you lost the weight you were the kind of guy they could push around, and now you've lost the weight, have changed a little (are you a teeny bit more confident?), and they don't like that?

    People often feel threatened by change and then find a way to blame it on the other person.
    God, NO. My friends that I'm currently staying with are the ones that turned me onto Primal nearly two years ago. Without them, I would not be what I am physically today and I certainly would probably be dead (if not from health problems, then certainly from the deep depression I was in that haunted me in the months before I went Primal).

    I will admit that I am more confident about doing all manner of things now than I have ever been before and it's empowering ... also difficult to get used to. I can do SO much now and I have so much energy that I just do things that I see need to get done, but I often do these things without asking how it would be best to do them and then conflict erupts when I discover I did the things in a way that was not best. I don't think ahead at all, I focus on the moment at hand, and because of that I don't anticipate the effects of my actions well. What seems like a simple thing to me has consequences I'm ignorant of often.
    Quote Originally Posted by kenn View Post
    Not a romantic relationship a romantic encounter or two or three

    Also might help if you get a job working with your peers or older people
    1. As much as a romantic encounter (which I can only assume is your subtle way of saying sex) would be a relief, I'm not sexually active. I never have been. My previous role as fat guy regulated me to "friends only territory" and as such I never had a shot at sex with a girl. So, I promised myself that I'd just wait till I got married. Is it stupidly based on religious beliefs? Maybe. Often times, from my friends, I hear how they wished they had just waited till they got married before they engaged in sex. I have taken this to heart and I plan to stick with that course of action.

    It's not like I know what I'm doing anyway, lol.

    2. I've considered other forms of employment, ones that work with an older crowd more on my level but I really love my job. It's puts to use my wide ranging skills, though none of them are perfect, all of them are pretty decent. I do all manner of things as a nanny and I don't mind it. It may come to the point where I just need to suck it up and move on for the good of all parties, but I will hold on for dear life till then with this job. Working with kids is just a great thing to me.
    Went Primal July 25th, 2011.

    Current Age: 25

    Total Loss: 126 lbs

    Starting Stats: Weighed 266 lbs, Body Fat 37.6% (100 lbs), BMI 40.9

    Current Stats: Weight 140 lbs, Body Fat 15.2% (21.1 lbs), BMI 21.2

    Current Goals: Get a stronger core through Pilates and continue being as Primal as I can be.

    My Weight Loss Notes Now on a blog page. It starts with "My Weight Loss: Introduction." Available to the public, share with friends if you'd like!

  5. #25
    kenn's Avatar
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    1) Romantic encounter of any type would be a positive step forward for you. Get on POF.com The Leading Free Online Dating Site for Singles & Personals and try. It's free!
    "Can't change the past, the present sucks, only the future to work toward" (or something)

    It sounds like you're using your religion as an excuse not to pursue an intimate relationship with someone (of any kind) and your past as an excuse why it won't work. Either you want to change or you want to stay the same. Pick one and accept the consequences of it. However, try your best to do an unbiased pros/cons. Cause it does not sound like you enjoy the status quo.

    Also, you think you've never had a shot with a girl, do you now? Do you still think like the guy (you were) who couldn't find the courage to start a relationship? Or even say hello?

    2) As for your job: Does it give you an option for a career? The skills for said career? Does it give you a network to pursue that career? Are you planning on running a day care center or a nanny operation in the future? Are you going to be a teacher? Work at a non profit oriented around helping kids?

    I know many people will tell you downgrade your ambitions in life to find simplicity, however, sometimes you do have sacrifice comfort of what you know (your job) for success in your life in the future. Contrary to what people will try to tell you, you don't have your whole life to figure it out. You do at this point have endless options but it won't always be that way.

    ps. I'm not attacking/judging you or your choices, I'm being very straight forward.
    Starting Date: Dec 18, 2010
    Starting Weight: 294 pounds
    Current Weight: 235 pounds
    Goal Weight: 195 pounds

  6. #26
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    Welcome to the Catholic Church, Trekfan! I'm going to go whole hog here on the Catholic thing. I apologize if I repeat anything you already know.

    Self-centeredness is, I think, a subcategory of pride. Pride, in turn, is one of the 7 deadly sins, or capital sins. They're foundational, in that all other sins can be traced back to one of these. Pride is the most indidious, because it keeps coming back to tempt you in creative and insidious ways. For exampls, you conquer having an arrogant attitude around other people, and then congratulate yourself on how well you are doing. Self-centeredness can also be described as a vice, or a pattern of behavior that leads to doing sins. The good news is that no matter how bad out behavior, we are not slaves to our desires! Modern American culture would have us believe otherwise, but it is not true. You are in charge, not your desires. We can change our behavior. God will help if you ask.

    Anyway, there are plenty of good Catholic books about the spiritual life and growth in holiness. A classic one is Introduction to the Devout Life by St. Francis de Sales:

    Introduction to the Devout Life - Christian Classics Ethereal Library

    The language is a bit archaic, but it is solid. You also might try Saint Teresa of Avila and St. John of the Cross (also archaic, but top-notch). These 2 were masters of prayer and growth in holiness, and they talk about changing behavior in some of their books. And they talk about how things change as one grows in holiness. I'm not sure which specifically to recommend, as I have not read them all. Maybe a modern review would be better. I'm reading Fire Within by Fr. Thomas Dubay right now, but there are others.

    Every vice, such as pride, has opposite virutes, and if you want to stop doing a vice it helps to practice the opposite virtue as well as trying to not do the vice. For forms of pride, make an intentional effort to do something nice for somebeody every day. Look for opportunities to serve others, especially when other people won't know and praise you for it. Someone also told me once to counter pride with self-denial. Practice saying no to yourself in small ways each day. Skip the Coke, or have plain coffee rather than a fancy variety, or turn off TV early, or just about anything that involves desires. And don't feel too badly when you screw up. This is a process, and growth takes time. Keep trying. That's the most important part.

    If you really want to get into the psychology of this stuff, take a plunge off the deep end and check out this guy:

    Chastity -- In San Francisco?.

    He links Catholic spirituality with psychology. Its a bit intense, but I have yet to find anything that is not "orthodox" so to speak, where he talks about Cathiolic stuff.

    Finally, a spiritual director can really help with growth in holiness, because at some point you can't make progress without an outside observer to offer advice. The priest you mentioned will either do it himself if asked, or refer you to someone.

    And since we're Catholic here, frequent use of the sacraments! They're vehichles of God's grace. And pray a lot. Not just verbal prayer, but mental prayer too.

    Okay, that's enough for now. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.

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