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  1. #771
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    Funny, cos' today after taking my prog stuff, I got this wave of rage over me. Directed at myself! I practically rubbed my skin raw with the loofah in the shower! But then it changed into a feeling of power. I know that all sounds very abstract, but I feel great right now. Strong: like I can do what I need to do. Not manic in any way.

    I know the progesterone contributed to the energy surge, but I wonder if talking about the rage this morning gave me the courage to identify and let out such a strong emotion. Then once I released it, it just became strength. Interesting.

    I was thinking more about the stress-illness connection. Sometimes stress can cause the physical illness, but something it could be that when you are in a stressed state, you end up attracting more stressful situations. So, you attracted that destructive relationship because you were in a destructive mode, and then either the stress of that made you sick, or else you continued to put yourself in perilous situations where you contracted something.

    Like attracts like...
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

  2. #772
    ombat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by diene View Post
    Wow, that is a really crazy story. I think your issues may (at least partially) be caused by emotional things. Other than stress, is it possible that you were also experiencing feelings of guilt? I say this because you mentioned how your stepdad had become distant in the years before his death but that you didn't do anything to change that, and how you were harsh to your mom right after she lost her husband. And then there's the crazy guy, who is probably the least of these, but you said that you didn't like how you treated him in the end. All of these things could add up and manifest as physical symptoms.

    Maybe I should read that book your naturopath gave you. Did it talk about how to accept your rage? I have a LOT of rage, and I have no difficulty accessing it since it's very close to the surface. But I'm not sure if I've accepted it or even what that means. When it boils over, I let it burn, and I don't really feel especially bad about it. But that hasn't helped me deal with it or get rid of it, if that's even possible.
    Thank you for your input, Diene. I did feel remorse over all of those things. I was confused and mildly disgusted by my behavior as well. I did read the book. I remember the biggest step is fully accepting that your symptoms are psychosomatic and consciously thinking about your repressed (if it is repressed) rage. Even if your rage isn't repressed, he said, you are probably not accepting the real reason for it or you are misdiagnose the reason for your rage. I would send it to you but I only have it in e-reader format.

    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post
    Funny, cos' today after taking my prog stuff, I got this wave of rage over me. Directed at myself! I practically rubbed my skin raw with the loofah in the shower! But then it changed into a feeling of power. I know that all sounds very abstract, but I feel great right now. Strong: like I can do what I need to do. Not manic in any way.

    I know the progesterone contributed to the energy surge, but I wonder if talking about the rage this morning gave me the courage to identify and let out such a strong emotion. Then once I released it, it just became strength. Interesting.

    I was thinking more about the stress-illness connection. Sometimes stress can cause the physical illness, but something it could be that when you are in a stressed state, you end up attracting more stressful situations. So, you attracted that destructive relationship because you were in a destructive mode, and then either the stress of that made you sick, or else you continued to put yourself in perilous situations where you contracted something.

    Like attracts like...
    Like I mentioned above to Diene, it's about consciously thinking about it which is probably one reason for your experience, like you said. But it's also about determining why you feel rageful so that you can let it go, not just experiencing it for some unknown or misguided reason.

    I agree with that assessment. I also think that in a stressful state your immune functions can lower and allow you to be more susceptible to pathogens.

  3. #773
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    It sounds like you're still just dealing with debilitating stress. How do you feel after having spent time with friends and relaxing? Any better? Have you taken anything we talked about in PM yet!?
    nihil

  4. #774
    ombat's Avatar
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    I felt so great spending time with her and her family, relaxing and thinking about nothing but what fun to have next. I almost started crying on the plane ride out. But tbh I think I've carried a lot of the mindset I cultivated while there home with me. For instance I got another tortilla-less enchilada for lunch today but the guy didn't get the memo and wrapped everything up in a tortilla anyway. Normally I would freak out and throw the thing away due to contact contamination with the evil gluten-y tortilla (yes I'm a lunatic) but without even thinking about it I just unwrapped the thing, dumped the stuff I wanted out, tossed the torta aside, and ate my damn lunch.

    I am going to call my dermatologist about the antibiotic tomorrow. Do you think that's a good step? I know it's not targeted for my gut.
    Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

  5. #775
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    That sounds like a good step anyway, it's not such a big deal, stress will kill you faster than suspicious food with bad intentions.

    Yup.

    Your story caused a lot of feels, just to let you know.
    nihil

  6. #776
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    But food is just so spiteful and malicious D:

    Aww, well, I still think the story would have been a lot more exciting with an evil twin or a sentient robot or something.
    Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

  7. #777
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    Wednesday, June 26

    DON’T PANIC! Nothing emotional this time.

    Sleep/Energy:
    - 6 hrs. Perfectly fine once I got some coffee in me (yay!)

    Food/Digestion:
    - rice cakes with salmon and Kerrygold reduced fat cheddar
    - half cup of coffee with sugar
    - Enchilada no beans this time
    - Iced coffee with 4 packets of sugar. Flying high on a caffeine/sugar rush
    - Potatoes mashed with butter and chipotle chili powder, chicken sausage and an egg
    - Tanqueray lime infused gin on rocks with water(you'd be remiss to think I wouldn’t pick this up at the store upon sight). Near completing my drink, a lightbulb went off… and so I added a splash of maple syrup I think sugar makes everything easier for the stomach to deal with anyway (Coffee it seems, for example)

    No appetite today, but food is just too good not to eat.

    - BM right after morning coffee
    - Still uncomfortable after the enchilada even without the few beans. Guac? Sauce? (see, journaling still might serve a purpose). Will have to continue to experiment with these enchiladas… In the name of science!

    Supps
    Usual gelatin vit D, niacinamide, zn (every few days) Mg.

    Skin:

    - small blemish
    - "tackies" all over my back. Could be from crappy ingredients this weekend or from gluten? I used to have these all the time.

    Temp:
    - So warm! My hands have been warm for a while, but the past two days my feet were so warm that I had to kick my shoes off at work!

    Body Comp
    - In SF eating more food than usual, snacking in between meals with Hershey's kisses and jelly bellies, drinking daily, and I think I might be the slightest bit leaner than before I left? Could be all in my head.
    - A picture of me from the weekend shows something odd… You can see my outer arm muscles (technical terms, whatever) but everything else looks normal / untoned. Unless that's fat and I'm delusional. It's really… weird… I included my boobs in the picture because they're HUGE! (for me).

    Mental State
    I am in such a good place right now (wow, this girl is bipolar), as I mentioned to Derp. Today my torta-less enchilada came wrapped in a torta and instead of having a panic attack I merely unwrapped it and tossed it aside. Also, at breakfast I became full before I had eaten all the cheese on my plate and I put it back. I put back food. This has happened once in the past 10 months.

    Next steps:
    - Antibiotics: Going to order antibiotics from my dermatologist. My acne is doing much better, but I perhaps it could help. And I don't think I'm afraid of antibiotics.
    - Pathogen Screen: Doc is making this extremely difficult but I'm really serious about getting this done now. It has been my gut instinct from day one and I want the freakin test!
    - Heavy metals: I keep forgetting to mention this (to doctors, too) but I have been wanting to get tested for heavy metals. They can do a lot of damage, plus I was wearing a permanent retainer in my mouth for 9 years until 1 year ago, so I just want to see. I just don't know which doctor to ask?? Any ideas?


    I totally creeped a girl out on the bus today (I knew that would grab your attention). A few weeks ago a girl sat down next to me on the bus and complimented me on my dress. I thanked her, noticed a book she was reading to be familiar, and asked her about it. We exchanged a few words about it and that was that.

    Today a girl sits down next to me on the bus. I take my nose out of my phone a few minutes later and catch her features out of the corner of my eye. I have terrible eye sight as you all know and have an even more terrible time recognizing people's faces. But I am certain it is her. I waver back and forth whether I should say something because a) I like to talk to people (sometimes) and b) what are the odds? I mean, it's a big bus. Nothing to lose (obviously) I ask her if we've chatted before. She looks at me, widened eyes convincing that she has no idea who I am, but then she relaxes. Oh yes, she says. You were reading that mystery book, I say. Yes yes, I finished it, she says. Did you see that guy on the bus earlier with a rat on his shoulder? No! I missed it! This goes on for a minute and then we're silent.

    It's not the most riveting of tales, I know, but it struck me for some reason. She was the only person to have ever talked to me on the bus and then she shows up next to me again. Also strange is that this girl even looked familiar to me the first time I saw her….

  8. #778
    ombat's Avatar
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    Repressed Memory (kidding) / Revelation / Just Some Useful Information:

    I've had an interesting relationship with a man in my town since the beginning of my freshman year. We are very close now, but for the first 2 years I wasn't always sure exactly where I stood with him. A few months into the incident described in yesterdays journal entry, constipation ever present, I noticed that I would have to use the restroom almost every time I was about to see him or speak with him on the phone because he made me so anxious. A couple of times I was able to trick my body into having a BM by "pretending" I was about to see him. I kid you not. But my body wised up and it stopped working. I only remember this now because a similar thing just happened.

    I am a headcase. Lord.

  9. #779
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    Feelings of love stimulate bowel movements? Well, love does apparently lower serotonin levels...
    nihil

  10. #780
    ombat's Avatar
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    Primal Blueprint Expert Certification
    It's 4am and I've been up since 2:30 for no reason... Wide awake. I think I'm hungry but I really can't imagine why I'd be enough to wake me and keep me awake. Edit: i feel extremely warm? All the sugar and caffeine yesterday?

    Ci, first of all, you're a headcase too! second of all, I know. But it just makes me wonder, was all of this really derived just from my own head? Was my mentality the root cause of my symptoms?

    So last night I get a text from a friend of mine from LA whom I see almost every time I visit. I saw him a few weeks ago when I was there after school was through. Anyway, I don't long for him or anything but he is one of the only people I have ever been fully attracted to (both in appearance and in mind). He's more intelligent than I (which I find attractive) and we have the same irreverent sense of humor. also there's a running joke that we are physically close because we cuddle and hold each other as though we are lovers though we are not. Anyway, I am going to LA in 2 weeks for a mutual friend's 21st and he straight up, blatantly asked me if I wanted to have sex with him that night. First if all I appreciated his honesty, but second of all, who schedules sex 2 weeks in advance?? Anyway, he claimed that he was sober and that it was about time we acted on our mutual attraction. I am highly amused at this point but a bit intrigued as well. I asked him why he didn't act on it last time we met a few weeks ago, considering the 2 of us were completely alone for the first time in my house for hours. He said he had just wanted to catch up that evening. What are everyones thoughts? Skeptical? I've had (great) sexual encounters with honest and direct men before, but this is out there.

    MDA is turning into a counseling forum. Shit I need to go back to sleep. Or eat. And so both.
    Last edited by ombat; 06-27-2013 at 05:27 AM.
    Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

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