So, I take it back... I am fucking STARVING. Actually that's an exaggeration but I am pretty hungry. Guess my body just realized that I didn't eat for four days. Also I've been eating fair amounts of sweet potato which I'm coming to conclude may not satiate me as much as other foods and leads to water retention which is gross.
My digestion and bloating are not great. I'm back off the aloe vera agaon. I think they only work if you drink half a gallon of water with them... I haven't experimented enough to be sure.
Had a few anxious dreams last night
-- My mom decided to fly me and my friends to Hawaii for my 21st birthday (belated, I suppose) and gave me 1000's of dollars in cash to spend while there. Instead of being ecstatic, I had a breakdown asking her why on Earth she would send me some place I'd have to wear a bikini in front of my friends (because of my belly bloat). it was a odd mix of people there to be certain but Yoyo was one of them and she was trying to console me! I've been trying to ignore the bloating and just get on with my damn life but obviously it still upsets me quite a bit.
-- My friend Bert and I were in the garage of my childhood house. He wanted to have sex but I said that would be unfair to my best friend because she has feelings for him. I went upstairs to the bathroom and meanwhile my mom came home and I heard her kick him out even though there was absolutely no basis for it. Surely he was just sitting on the couch or something. She stormed into the bathroom while I was occupying it to lecture me. She brought up the fact that my friend Kyle had been over not the night before and what was I, some sort of harlot? Truth was Kyle and I were just out on the porch talking. I hadn't done anything with either of them but nevertheless she said my behavior was disconcerting. I told her what was "disconcerting" was that she was in the bathroom while I was trying to pee! (i enjoy being a smartass even in my dreams). This one needs no real interpretation. Those things did happen (except for my mom coming into my bathroom...) but with different people. I might have more guilt than I allow myself to feel.
I also had a miniature crisis yesterday involving my future, since I'm already sharing. Hopefully some of you will have wise words for me... I've already said that I will refuse to spend my life in an office, which is fine. But I feel I've wasted time. I think I wasted time with my degree by studying something just for the sake of studying it, for the sake that it would "look good" on a resume, not because I actually wanted to pursue it for the long term. I know it's never too late; I could pick up and start doing what I want to do tomorrow if I felt like it; there are no paths, no roads we have to take. Anyone who says so is full of fear. I think I might be full of fear.
My entire childhood I thought I wanted to work with animals and I did work with horses for many years (in addition to riding them for competition). My last couple of years of riding were terrible, however. I had serious issues with my trainer and her approach, I had issues with my horse at the time and a lot of regret that followed in how I had treated him. I was also depressed for other reasons during my last few years of high school which all interplayed. I went off to college thinking I never wanted to ride again, never wanted anything to do with animals, even (besides pets) and put it all out of my mind.
Fast forward to last summer, I wound up working at the riding academy I had began at as a kid working for the school horse coordinator. Essentially I was responsible for about 30 horses and all of the kids that took lessons on them. My main tasks were essentially looking after the horses' health (including medical administration) and teaching the children safe practices. I also helped out with a volunteer program they do during the summer which involves taking underprivileged, inner-city kids out of their shitty environments and teaching them how to ride. The owner of the stables also had me training some of the newer arrivals (most of them mustangs) to be safe for the kids to ride.
It was physically demanding, hot, etc. but I loved it. During high school I had worked for my trainer as her assistant doing much of the same work and remembered how - even though it was brutal, exhausting, and resulted in some injuries - I loved doing that as well.
So it all has me thinking about what I really want to do. My mom is the senior vice president of a large company, my sister puts on concerts at the White House and plans parties on Yachts in Cannes.... But my mom doesn't care what I do; she doesn't pressure me to follow any path and I feel no desire to follow in anyones footsteps, but she does pressure me to do something she deems valuable, like going to grad school. I really do appreciate her wanting what's best for me, but I wonder if others cloud my judgment.
I don't know. I really don't know. I have no idea. This was just a rant and a really long one at that which wasn't my intention.