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Thread: Primal Diva's Journal: From FMP's to VFF's! page 6

  1. #51
    Lady Grok's Avatar
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    So: I am still here. Still me!

    I keep feeling like there's not a lot to report. My weight isn't moving, and for some reason, I feel like that is the big blogging grail, and psyching myself out.

    Screw that.

    Last weekend was a little crazy. I woke up on Saturday, and something possessed me to write it all down. ALL of it. All the stuff that I think can bet attributed to my gluten intolerance, which I m certain I have had since early childhood. It's a long awful list, and just writing it down and seeing the whole story was...well, overwhelming.

    I laughed in parts, and cried in parts, and it felt so amazing and freeing to get it all out there, and I thought: "I got so many priceless gifts. And, barring one or two unnecessary book purchases, they were FREE." And before I could chicken out, I decided to open an email to Mark, cut and pasted, and hit "Send".

    It's ridiculous for me to measure my progress by what the scale says. My weight is important, but my health is more important, and I seriously wouldn't have that without the PB.

    I just thought I was sending the message out into the ether. The stuff I wrote was, as usual, LONG, and frequently embarrassing, and sometimes downright awful. I started beating myself up about sending such a long and rambling email. Until early Monday morning, when I got a response- and a request for me to sign a release form so my story can be posted on MDA.

    Strangely, this feels like the push I needed. I've been so scared of telling my story- afraid that people will just see a woman who is STILL fat, after 2.5 years of following the PB. Feeling like a failure because the weight isn't coming off. There will be no abs shot, and no gratuitous flexing. Does that really invalidate all the huge positives? And why do I think that way, and assume that everyone else will, too?

    I need to be kinder to myself, and everyone else.

    Looking through my photos to accompany the story, I ran across a photograph of my teenaged BFF and I- standing in her driveway, both 18 years old. My BFF is, and always has been, rail thin, and I have always struggled with my weight- and it is almost painfully obvious in this picture. I slipped it out of the sleeve in the album, and was horrified to read what I had inscribed on the back, nearly 20 years ago: "Compare This. THINK about it, every time you open your mouth to shove something into it."

    My God, that sucks. Reading that was like getting punched in the face by a ghost. I want to go back in time and shake some sense into my younger self: And maybe give her a hug for good measure.
    With Mark's help, I've conquered depression, acne, rosacea, scale obsession, migraines, and lethargy. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

    http://www.theladygrok.blogspot.com/

    My Journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread8215.html

  2. #52
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    Wow, I'm impressed. And very much looking forward to reading your story.


  3. #53
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    Thanks! We will see. I said I would go over it this weekend, so now I am committed!

    I am trying to branch out, food-wise. I am happy to have found an ethnic market close to me. I went in last night, and loaded up on jicama, chili/lime flavoring for raw veggies, chorizo, and chicharrones. As I looked around, I got braver. The meat section was kind of a revelation: tongue! tripe! And more chorizo (probably more autentico than the stuff I found in the deli aisle). I ended up buying oxtail, which at least looked vaguely familiar and potentially interesting. I didn't want to go too nuts, as nothing is really marked as organic/grass-fed, but I know I will be back, and at least will commit to the giant spirals of sausage next time, as opposed to the stuff I got, which came in a plastic tube. :/

    Something I have reallly been missing: horchata. It's a spiced rice milk concoction, and I love it: something sweet and creamy, and refreshing, and totally not Primal. So I started thinking about an easy sub, and when I got home, I whipped up the following:

    1 c. coconut milk (Trader Joe's unsweetened, from the tetra pak)
    1 envelope Stevia
    1 splash vanilla
    1 t. cinnamon
    a pinch of nutmeg
    a pinch of salt

    Threw it all into a blender and whirred away. I seriously couldn't tell the difference, and it was so good! I didn't feel like a major lunch today, so I made another batch, and threw in a scoop of BlueBonnet Vanilla Whey protein. I definitely recommend.
    With Mark's help, I've conquered depression, acne, rosacea, scale obsession, migraines, and lethargy. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

    http://www.theladygrok.blogspot.com/

    My Journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread8215.html

  4. #54
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    It's true! I've gotten much more...Well, in the words of my husband, "aggressive" about things. Considering that I was pretty much floating through life before, that's a good thing. I prefer the word "proactive", though, for obvious reasons.

    We will see how Adventure Sunday goes this week: we have been wussing out and going out to lunch, or the bookstore, or a movie. It's strange how you just sort of fall into that rut! Since Prometheus is out now, I hope that won't be the automatic fallback position this week. Which means, I will have to plan something.

    I got a little too cocky last night- we went to The Cheesecake Factory- usually I have the ribeye steak there, and sub the fries for salad, but last night I ordered sweet potato fries. And ate three. Back in the day, I would have made the most of it, and eaten the whole thing. I have been watching carbs lately, and eating more just didn't appeal to me. Hubby grabbed a couple in "stealth mode", which I thought was funny. "Just eat 'em!" I said. "I don't need any more." The waiter packed the rest of them up, plus about 3/4 of my steak.

    Dessert time usually pretty easy: hubby will order strawberry cheesecake, I will have a spoonful or two of the accompanying sweetened whipped cream and any stray strawberries, if anything. But for some reason, I wanted banana cream cheesecake- previously a favorite. I knew I would only have a few bites.

    And that's what I did. Ate the garnish, took two crust-free bites off the very end of the cheesecake...and it was almost immediate. That feeling of: "You need to stop eating RIGHT NOW." Which is new.

    Cheesecake Factory is 5 minutes away from our house. My the time we had paid the bill and gotten into the car, I was very cognizant of all time factors and so very, very thankful for that proximity. Because my body, now that it is communicating, wants me and the rest of the world to know that Banana Cream Cheesecake is a big fat "DO NOT WANT!" as far as it is concerned. Ugh.

    Shockingly, I entered my meals for the day into My Fitness Pal, and I was under calories, AND within keto parameters, which is a little crazy! Big surprise, I was pretty hungry when I woke up this morning. The rest of that steak is gone now! And while the scale didn't go down, (which I was expecting, with all that salt: restaurant meals are usually an automatic +2 for me) I didn't go up, either. Woot!

    Another nice surprise yesterday: a few hundred dollars in credit from amazon.com! My husband's business banking card was cancelling their "points" system, which means he needed to cash them in while they were still good. He evidently was considering using them to get a mountain bike for me, but decided to ask me first. As it turned out, we could get more bang for our buck by getting gift cards instead (and we have no place to put that mountain bike- no garage, and my beloved Schwinn cruiser is so rusty from being exposed to the elements, I don't know if it can be salvaged.

    So I ended up getting a lot of little things: until we move in December, our space is limited. I also am trying to save some of it, as I'd like to get something big we can both use/appreciate. I've had a meat slicer on my list for eons, but once again, there's no room for it!

    I ended up getting a lot of digital downloads, including a lot of ancestral-health related books I have been wanting, accessories for my new phone (wireless headphones and an armband so I can run around with it!!), some Wii exercise games, and a big straw purse/tote for summer. The excuse on the purse is that it will allow me to pack up a lot of my "matchy/matchy" purses that go with colorful sandals- a lot of them have raffia or cork heels for summer time, so it means I can pack some bulky stuff away until next summer, when we will (hopefully) be in a bigger place, and I can have a walk-in closet again. Fingers crossed!
    With Mark's help, I've conquered depression, acne, rosacea, scale obsession, migraines, and lethargy. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

    http://www.theladygrok.blogspot.com/

    My Journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread8215.html

  5. #55
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    Adventure Sunday was...well: nice. I decided to go to a local festival in the somewhat "hippie" area of town. Hubby is pretty conservative, and I am pretty moderate, and everyone there was...well. Neither of those things. I was prepared to wander and have fun, but it turned out to be one of those festivals that is nearly entirely retail kiosks. It was sort of mind blowing, as there were tons of signs up about recycling and sustainability, amid all the booths that were selling useless tchotchkes. There was also a "garbage monitor", who oversaw the four different receptacles, and insisted that hubby and I toss our spoons (marked "biodegradable") into the "Landfill" bucket. There was also a lot of Vegan/Vegetarian propaganda everywhere. We did one circuit, and headed back to the car.

    We were parched (I refused to pay 4 bucks for an iced tea) so we headed out for lunch and then saw Prometheus. Overall, I enjoyed it, although I tend to have a low tolerance for "gross", and there was a lot of it in this movie. Calamari and eel are dishes that I will be avoiding for awhile.

    I am...well, anxious. I go to a specialist in Palo Alto today, about the whole wanting to have a baby thing. The first time Hubby and I went through this, it was like being trapped in a nightmare. Financially, Physically, Emotionally....all things that put a huge strain on a marriage, let me tell you. So I have been hesitant to start again. I just keep telling myself that I am a stronger, healthier person now, and this is what we want. But I am only willing to spend a certain amount. After that, we will probably pursue adoption. There is only so much crap that I am willing to put my body through. When they don't know what's wrong, so they just have you throw money at the problem for the privilege of being a lab rat- it's a sobering thought.

    We've also been discussing doing something fun for our 10 year anniversary: it's coming up next month! A little vacation would be really nice. However, I think what happens is contingent on how this appointment goes- if they accept me as a patient, the next meeting will be a financial consult. Ugh.
    With Mark's help, I've conquered depression, acne, rosacea, scale obsession, migraines, and lethargy. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

    http://www.theladygrok.blogspot.com/

    My Journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread8215.html

  6. #56
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    Oh god. Mark just emailed me. My "success story" goes live tomorrow. I am dreading the inevitable dude-bro reactions to it, because it's really personal. Aaaaaaah!
    With Mark's help, I've conquered depression, acne, rosacea, scale obsession, migraines, and lethargy. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

    http://www.theladygrok.blogspot.com/

    My Journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread8215.html

  7. #57
    Lady Grok's Avatar
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    Well- color me surprised. 100 comments, and not one (so far) has been really negative. I am actually impressed by all the female readers coming out of the woodwork! *waves hello*
    With Mark's help, I've conquered depression, acne, rosacea, scale obsession, migraines, and lethargy. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

    http://www.theladygrok.blogspot.com/

    My Journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread8215.html

  8. #58
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    I loved reading your story. Of course, anyone who has read your journal knows your flair for writing, but it really shined in the post.

    I admire your courage at putting your story "out there". Reading the comments, you've obviously connected with so many women who have had similar paths, and provided so much inspiration. I think a lot of people don't connect so much with a lot of the "success stories", you really brought it home that it's about health and being happy in your own skin, which doesn't require the 6 pack, which most of us will never attain, and many don't want anyway.

    Thanks for sharing your story . I think a celebration is in order! Steak for everyone .

  9. #59
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    Quote Originally Posted by Greensprout View Post
    I loved reading your story. Of course, anyone who has read your journal knows your flair for writing, but it really shined in the post.

    I admire your courage at putting your story "out there". Reading the comments, you've obviously connected with so many women who have had similar paths, and provided so much inspiration. I think a lot of people don't connect so much with a lot of the "success stories", you really brought it home that it's about health and being happy in your own skin, which doesn't require the 6 pack, which most of us will never attain, and many don't want anyway.

    Thanks for sharing your story . I think a celebration is in order! Steak for everyone .
    Yay! Steak it is. Oooh, now I want a grass-fed ribeye- YUM.

    Thanks Greensprout! I am trying to not get all verklempt or turn into Sally Field ("You like me! You really LIKE me! *tears*) I really am overwhelmed by how many people had so many wonderful things to say- particularly the ladies, who tend to keep a low-ish profile. It was very "hearts and unicorns for EVERYONE!", but hey. Hearts and unicorns are awesome. And, come to think of it, Primal. (Obviously, I am now in Steak Mode.)
    With Mark's help, I've conquered depression, acne, rosacea, scale obsession, migraines, and lethargy. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

    http://www.theladygrok.blogspot.com/

    My Journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread8215.html

  10. #60
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    Quote Originally Posted by youaremy View Post
    Just saying "hi" I'm in one of my "why the hell won't my scale move" moods, so it was actually quite refreshing to read about your frustration of earlier this month turning into some progress that you are happy with ... esp after reading a couple of the men's posts about losing 30 lbs in 30 days LOL.
    H backi! Oh yes, I feel your pain. Part of the reason I wrote everything down- I was so FRUSTRATED, feeling like I was doing something wrong. I figured- it will help if I wrote down all the stuff that has changed for the better since I started following the PB. But yeah. My husband is 60/40, and can lose the weight with minimal effort- AND if he would choose to go to the gym, develops an amazing physique within a month. If I didn't love him so, I would have to hate his guts. Hmph! Men.

    I hope you get some movement on that scale. Preferably not the kind where you teach it to fly out a second story window. Although, that is an option. Lifting heavy things is encouraged, so throwing them should be even better- right?
    With Mark's help, I've conquered depression, acne, rosacea, scale obsession, migraines, and lethargy. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

    http://www.theladygrok.blogspot.com/

    My Journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread8215.html

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