I'm not sure what I want to write in this journal or what I hope to gain from it.
But I feel i'm a bit at wits ends and am not sure how to talk about it.
I'm not sure how far back i need to go, what is necessary? i'm sure its all linked subconsciously, but i can't write an autobiography on here. I'm not even sure what i want to address or whether this is even the best place to do it.
I started eating paleo/primal diet around june 2012 while i was traveling around central america, my boyfriend discovered it while researching body weight exercised, its made complete sense so both adopted it straight away.
I've always been small(or so everyone tells me) and pretty active in my childhood, so never really thought about eating healthily as i thought i was doing fine.
I lost fat at first, not sure how much as i never weighed myself but i felt slimmer and looked better.
It was easy to eat paleo while travelling, we made sure we had a kitchen where ever we stayed to cook our own meals and were never tempted by sweets as they all tasted like crap anyway. I felt and looked great.
Fast forward 6 months, back in miserable England around christmas time, living with my parents there is always lots of chocolates and sweets in the house especially at the holidays. I put on probably about a stone around christmas (admittedly a fair amount of it is muscle, as i've gotten very strong) but could definitely see i have put on fat too.
I managed to get my weight down again but keeping carbs low and IFing.
But then along comes easter and it happened all again, but this time worse, its like i have no control over myself. i gorge myself on chocolates to the point where i feel sick, tell myself i'm never doing it again then the next day the same thing. I feel like shit, i look like shit, but I can't stop.
I hide it from everyone, I don't know who i can talk to about it, i feel so ashamed of myself. I feel like a failure.
I've never been very good at talking about my feelings/problems, i always think it makes me look weak and pathetic, i keep alot to myself.
I feel like i don't have anyone to talk to, the majority of my friends are vegetarian and don't agree with the way i eat. and i feel that if i start moaning about how i ate some chocolate they would think im pathetic as that is their usual day.
I don't feel i can talk to my boyfriend about it as I think im realising i have some complex about him being perfect, he is very smart and very good at most things he does. I think he will judge me and think im weak if i open up to him.
so i have turned to this journal, as a place to talk about it, as a place where i can be honest about what i do, and not feel like a fraud.
If i write it down i can't ignore it and pretend im not doing it.
This is what I ate today
Lunch - 1/2 chicken and small salad, and a kiwi
Home from work, no ones home ate 3 mini chocolate balls and a plum
Dinner - 4 Sausages and mash, with onions and gravy
My brother came home from travelling today and brought me a pack of mini toblerones. Went to my room and ate about half the pack, felt sick. The final straw to writing this down. I'm tempted to throw the other half in the bin.
As i re-read what i have writen i feel pathetic that these are my problems but to overcome it i must talk about it.
any replies are appreciated if not then i will continue to write what i have eaten just so i can be honest with myself and hopefully face my demons.
thank you for reading