facing my demons.. page

[kitykat]

I'm not sure what I want to write in this journal or what I hope to gain from it.
But I feel i'm a bit at wits ends and am not sure how to talk about it.

I'm not sure how far back i need to go, what is necessary? i'm sure its all linked subconsciously, but i can't write an autobiography on here. I'm not even sure what i want to address or whether this is even the best place to do it.

I started eating paleo/primal diet around june 2012 while i was traveling around central america, my boyfriend discovered it while researching body weight exercised, its made complete sense so both adopted it straight away.

I've always been small(or so everyone tells me) and pretty active in my childhood, so never really thought about eating healthily as i thought i was doing fine.

I lost fat at first, not sure how much as i never weighed myself but i felt slimmer and looked better.
It was easy to eat paleo while travelling, we made sure we had a kitchen where ever we stayed to cook our own meals and were never tempted by sweets as they all tasted like crap anyway. I felt and looked great.

Fast forward 6 months, back in miserable England around christmas time, living with my parents there is always lots of chocolates and sweets in the house especially at the holidays. I put on probably about a stone around christmas (admittedly a fair amount of it is muscle, as i've gotten very strong) but could definitely see i have put on fat too.
I managed to get my weight down again but keeping carbs low and IFing.
But then along comes easter and it happened all again, but this time worse, its like i have no control over myself. i gorge myself on chocolates to the point where i feel sick, tell myself i'm never doing it again then the next day the same thing. I feel like shit, i look like shit, but I can't stop.
I hide it from everyone, I don't know who i can talk to about it, i feel so ashamed of myself. I feel like a failure.

I've never been very good at talking about my feelings/problems, i always think it makes me look weak and pathetic, i keep alot to myself.
I feel like i don't have anyone to talk to, the majority of my friends are vegetarian and don't agree with the way i eat. and i feel that if i start moaning about how i ate some chocolate they would think im pathetic as that is their usual day.
I don't feel i can talk to my boyfriend about it as I think im realising i have some complex about him being perfect, he is very smart and very good at most things he does. I think he will judge me and think im weak if i open up to him.
so i have turned to this journal, as a place to talk about it, as a place where i can be honest about what i do, and not feel like a fraud.
If i write it down i can't ignore it and pretend im not doing it.


This is what I ate today

No breakfast

Lunch - 1/2 chicken and small salad, and a kiwi

Home from work, no ones home ate 3 mini chocolate balls and a plum

Dinner - 4 Sausages and mash, with onions and gravy

My brother came home from travelling today and brought me a pack of mini toblerones. Went to my room and ate about half the pack, felt sick. The final straw to writing this down. I'm tempted to throw the other half in the bin.

As i re-read what i have writen i feel pathetic that these are my problems but to overcome it i must talk about it.

any replies are appreciated if not then i will continue to write what i have eaten just so i can be honest with myself and hopefully face my demons.

thank you for reading

[YogaBare]

Hey Kitykat,

Welcome to the forum I totally know where you're coming from. I have a journal too, and I'm using it to document a very unorthodox way to overcome an ED. It really does help.

You're absolutely not pathetic. Hopefully through this journal you can start to think about why you keep being drawn back to junk food. Do you have any ideas why you do it?

Hugs.

[badgergirl]

Ah, never fear... as there are as many demons as there are people (if not more - some of us get extra helpings!). We all have them (bet the boyf does too). Journalling can be a joy and you're sure to find supportive folks here. Good luck.

[kitykat]

Hello YogaBare and badgergirl

Thank you for your replies and support, means a lot.
I know that one of my triggers of eating crap is when I'm smoking weed. Not just while I'm high but the day after I'm lazy and greedy. But I'm not sure why I keep getting drawn back to smoking, I used to smoke alot, but since being home and becoming more active and caring more about my health it has lost its interest to me. But still I smoke sometimes. I enjoy being high but I think I'm realising i just use it to escape from the stresses of life and to stop me thinking sometimes. I have a bit of a love hate relationship with it at the moment. I think a break is what I need. Although saying that it did help me when I was feeling sick yesterday.

I woke up yesterday feeling a lot better, I think just getting it out of my head has helped. I had a really good day yesterday, it was my day off and i made the most of it. I went rock climbing in the day then spent the evening having dinner at my friends house. My best friend came home from travelling the other day so it was amazing to spend time with her. But did make me really want to go away again.

I didn't have much of an appetite yesterday i was feeling a bit sick for most the day actually, had a sicky feeling at the top of my stomach just below my diaphragm. Not sure what has caused it perhaps all the toblerones the night before. But I am still feeling it a bit now.

Yesterday I ate

Breakfast/Lunch - 4 hard boiled eggs

Dinner - difficult to measure because I went to my friends and we all brought something to eat, and just picked at it.
I didn't have much though as i was feeling ill. I had a leg of chicken, some butternut squash and some guacamole and a little salad. For dessert, my friend(a pastry chef) had made a special cake so I could have some, an almond flour chocolate cake. I had a small slice and it was delicious.

Hugs back

[spuggygirl]

Well done for baring your soul.

Just a couple of observations from me:

1. It might not sound very helpful, but I'm not trying to be flippant...just remember that nobody is making you eat the chocolate. Perhaps the key is to find out why you're doing it? Your diet doesn't sound particularly balanced as it stands...perhaps concentrating on getting as many nutrients as possible into your body will stop the temptation to gorge on chocolate. Personally, I find that eating a couple of squares of very dark chocolate (90% for me) stops me from craving the crappy stuff.
2. Sicky feeling below the diaphragm - sounds a bit like it could be anxiety to me. You've said that you're living with your parents and have a bit of a love hate relationship with life...so maybe think about your living situation, where you're going and what is going to make you happy in the longer term, might help?

[kitykat]

hello spuggygirl thanks for your reply.

Yeah I love dark chocolate, I have some 99% at the moment. I think its more a psychological thing eating the crappy chocolate, I don't even particularly enjoy it. I need to try and find the link between when I want to eat get crap and what has triggered it, and what I am trying to fulfill within. I guess I am pretty stressed at the moment with work and my living situation, but I can't change much about that right now.
I plan to go back to college in september but i still have 5 months until that starts, and there is no way I could afford to move out being at college full time.

I'm not sure about the anxiety, i mean i am a pretty anxious person but I've never had physical pain because of it. Usually I just can't talk properly(muddling up my sentences and words) and I my body would shiver and teeth chatter(like when you are really cold). But I have felt a lot better about that recently I feel a lot more confident these days.

I still have the stomach pains though, it like comes in waves, every half an hour or so, like really bad period cramps but higher up. Sometimes I burp and a tiny bit of sick comes up too(sorry if to much information).

Thank you for taking the time to reply, means a lot that strangers would care enough to reply. Restoring my faith in humanity.

[kitykat]

I mean when I was traveling my diet was amazing, I felt amazing and i looked amazing too. And what was different, there i felt free, i didn't feel oppressed, i didn't have to answer to anyone, i could spend my days exactly how i wanted, I had time and space. and sunshine the outdoors and nature.
And i had no desire to eat bad foods.
Even when i came home, i was ready to come home, i had ideas and goals i was really motivated to do something with my life, i guess that spark has sort of dyed out now, i've fallen into the trap of self pitty and i'm not sure how to pick myself up again.

[YogaBare]

I mean when I was traveling my diet was amazing, I felt amazing and i looked amazing too. And what was different, there i felt free, i didn't feel oppressed, i didn't have to answer to anyone, i could spend my days exactly how i wanted, I had time and space. and sunshine the outdoors and nature.
And i had no desire to eat bad foods.
Even when i came home, i was ready to come home, i had ideas and goals i was really motivated to do something with my life, i guess that spark has sort of dyed out now, i've fallen into the trap of self pitty and i'm not sure how to pick myself up again.

I totally understand those feelings. It's easy to be happy when you're travelling: it's a totally different way of life, everyone is so open and relaxed...

London doesn't breed those feelings.

Keep journalling - i bet it will help. Hugs!

[louisem]

Hi, i know exactly how you feel because I also feel pathetic and a failure. I have been trying to do paleo for the last couple of months but can't seem to stop eating crap. I wake up every day and tell myself that I'm not going to eat sugar today and then I fail miserably. I eat crap that I don't even enjoy until I too feel sick. I think sometimes that I am afraid of change and that if I ever do lose all the weight then I will have to change other things too. All I can say to you for now is be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. Good luck and don't feel as if you are on your own.