Template for creating a [terrible] Paleo/Primal Food blog.
After having attempted to read so many different primal and paleo food recipes online from 'experts', I thought I would help the new folks streamline a bit to get your Primal/Paleo recipe blog going. So here is your template for creating a terrible paleo food blog site and making enough ad revenue to buy a 1/2 dozen pasture raised eggs:
First, start with a nice intro, something like:
Hello, I used to be a (giant fatty/sick/vegan/corporate-food-slave/covered-in-face-melting-acne) but then I learned from a friend about becoming paleo at my weekly (crochet circle/kickball game/meetup.com event). I can now eat as much as I want, never have to exercise, and I'm an expert on food preparation as I've had to adapt all my food and read lots of forums - ill teach you how you can too. I started off with Bacon and scrambled eggs - but this is how you get fancy! Check out my latest food creations!
Then follow these steps -
1) First go shopping at (wholefoods/farmers market/trader joes). Buy half of what you can but because you are cheap and dont know why you should buy all your food from solid sources - get the rest at (krogers, Costco, rite-aid). Buy the cheapest crap you can because we are turning it into a Michelin star dish! Take a picture of your groceries, it's easier than listing the ingredients and amounts. Who needs that anyway? Cavemen didn't measure crap!
2) Our keystone ingredient is good, that's good enough - so this will be awesome. First chop everything up and put it in a bowl or on a cutting board, then take a picture of it. Add something exotic sounding like 'Shitakes' and then comment how you never ate them before but since you know what you are doing it will add to the recipe. Dump a bunch of tumeric on it as I heard that was good, mix in your coconut or olive oil - but coconut *always* sounds better. Always add an avocado no matter what it is - you always need more fat. Now take another picture. Say how sugar is bad and then dump some sauce in without checking the ingredients. It's fun to wing it! This might be a good time to talk about agave nectar and honey being better. Ponder starting your own bee hive for filler.
3) Next warm up your crappy $30 crockpot. Since you did all this at 7am half asleep - Dump everything in there for when you get home. Take a picture, make sure you can see the outlet it's plugged into.
4) When you get home take another picture of it in the pot looking like a stewy mess in your tiny beige apartment kitchen. This helps hide mistakes. Next strain it and save the juice. This juice is like paleo Gatorade, put it in a jar and place it in the fridge. Quickly forget about it and never touch again or try drinking it after a workout. Talk more about fat.
5) Next dump everything into a high heat wok (that's exotic sounding!); Yes basically every ends up looking like a mushy stirfry, but don't tell them that! Exception: Unless it's a big piece of meat then you want to throw it on a grill and say "oops!" When you burn the hell out it or it falls off the bone into the fire. Make an excuse and put it on a pan in the oven - set to broil.
6) Don't take a picture of the finished plate because it doesn't look anything like the thing you claimed you were making. Stick something on a fork and take a picture.
Finish with a little preaching to all your friends about how much better you are than them at eating healthy and how you lost 300lbs but sitting on your butt. Mention Mark Sisson or Gary taubes. Talk about how you want to try crossfit next or register as a libertarian. Add some advertisement links to raspberry ketones and fish oil.
Collect your cash!!
* if only more paleo/primal food blogs were like Elena's pantry: Gluten Free, Grain Free, High Protein and Healthy - Elana's Pantry and had real creativity, know-how, didn't get all preachy and actually knew what they were doing.