I haven't written in a few days cos' a lot has been going on. Poland was emotional for me, for two reasons: health, and family.
I've posted the stuff about being diagnosed with Oestrogen dominance. Ultimately it's very, very positive. I'm so relived that I can now work towards something, and that I can channel positive thoughts into myself with a focused goal.
I also realise I needed a diagnoses to stop hating and blaming myself for crashing physically, emotionally and mentally. I bet a bit of self compassion will actually help my energy a lot. Hatred is exhausting.
Family life was tough. Poland evokes a deep response in me because I spent a lot of my life here, with my grandparents. My grandfather died three years ago, and on this trip I really felt his absence. I miss him so much. Everything fell apart when he died. My grandmother was always reclusive, but now she never leaves the apartment and is a full blown alcoholic, and each time I return she is a little worse.
It was hard to see her like that, and she's killing my mother: constantly guilt tripping her, forcing her to travel over and back once a month and spend a week with her. My mum is consulting with two neo-surgens today, about the tumour on her spine.
Of course, I turned to food. I didn't binge, but I was definitely comfort eating, and by the end of the four days had started to treat food like a weapon again. I actually was about to plan a binge: I was in the supermarket and picked up some binge food, rationalising that I would eat it gradually, but then I realised what I was doing and I put it down.
I also found myself drinking a lot more than usual ("a lot" for me is that I drank 1-3 glasses of wine three days in a row!)
I went off the deep end with body hate, and convinced myself that I'd gained about 6lbs. Came back and my measurements were the exact same.
Makes me realise how tenacious recovery is, and how easy to relapse. One day I hope I'll be able to go through stress without needing food as a crutch.
Summary of the last week:
was pretty good.
Food / Hunger / Cravings:
I felt so fat and bloated after Poland that I did a very low calorie day yesterday. First time I've done that in about 3 months. I ate three bananas and an orange. I was going to leave it at that, but then I went for wine (again!) with a friend, and she wanted to get dinner, so I ordered soup and... bread!!! I was actually glad I could eat it without guilt.
Didn't do anything in Poland. Taught a three hour yoga workshop yesterday, and cycled for about 40 mins.
Energy and mood:
Was really tired in Poland and was even napping every day.
I'm going to start taking them religiously to help with progesterone. Zinc, Mg, B6, and keep taking the milk thistle.
Taking a break from the journal made me realise the extent that it's been another limb in my recovery. It's so amazing to have a framework to express thoughts and get feedback. Once again, thank you all - so much - for your support and love.
In other news: I got new shoes