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Thread: This is not a lobe song page 233

  1. #2321
    Zanna's Avatar
    Zanna is online now Senior Member
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    What's occurring to me is that I'm mistaking my role. I'm not a follower, but I'm not a leader either. I'm somewhere on the periphery. I think I undervalue the body of work I have created. Perhaps I need to gather myself together, then attach to an organisation who will support me (ie. believe in me, get me regular work). Or something
    I'm in that same periphery too. I find that I always end up in the same place, as the second in command or confidant to the person in charge. I've gone in both directions in the past, either being the lead or the follower but neither makes me happy. Being the one in charge is more responsibility than I like but being a follower means I'm just taking orders. But being the 2nd alpha means I'm not taking on all of the responsibility but I still have power to make change and influence things. It's a good fit for me and my bosses. They have someone who is capable of taking charge but also capable of listening and taking direction, plus I'm a good person for them to confide in. My current job is like that - I'm the go-to person for my boss but also act as a team lead to the others in my group.

    I don't have enough of a creative outlet though, and I think that's just my own fears of failing at something that really means something to me. I work in IT as a project manager now - hard to imagine, but 10 years ago, I was a graphic designer. I love writing but haven't been able to make myself just get in there and start a book. I'm good at the tech stuff and it pays well but it isn't soul-satisfying. Meanwhile, time keeps flying by so I have to get over my fears or risk never doing something I always thought would be 'my' thing.

  2. #2322
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    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post
    I know I would have always regretted it if I didnt follow my heart.
    I'm great about this one in every other way except the job category

  3. #2323
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    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post
    Return from Wonderland.

    I'm emerging.

    The last seven days have been filled with inner chaos. It is a familiar cycle. I go into the dark recesses of myself and question everything... my meaning, my existence, my sanity. I return - not with answers... but with insight.

    Career / purpose


    When I emerge I have a renewed sense of motivation, but it's mostly because I have rested a lot. I have not resolved the answers within myself. I still dont know what to do. I will continue doing what I've done in the past: working on my own projects, doing freelance work, vaguely looking for a part-time job until I crash and re-question everything again. I want to do something different this time. I want to be part of something that still affords me freedom.

    What's occurring to me is that I'm mistaking my role. I'm not a follower, but I'm not a leader either. I'm somewhere on the periphery. I think I undervalue the body of work I have created. Perhaps I need to gather myself together, then attach to an organisation who will support me (ie. believe in me, get me regular work). Or something

    Relationships

    Love does not make you happier. I thought that when you meet someone you receive a check-marked box of happiness, but stability is an illusion. Unless you become content with how things are, you can never be happy. You will always grasp for more. It's difficult not to when you fall in love with someone, because you become addicted to them, and the hits are never sufficient.

    Conclusion

    I realise now with relationships and career, there is no end point; no goal; no place that we achieve happiness and then rest. There is only a journey, which differs for every person. Right now, I am trying to figure out how to assimilate my journey (understanding myself, and the world around me) into the practical aspect of having a life.

    I've been "going with the flow", day-by-day for a long time now... I need to do something different, but I'm not sure what that is.

    As always, Yoyobare--you are an inspiration to me. I'm also struggling with the same career and relationships issues--well, not the same issues, but I have issues and they pertain to the same things, I guess--haha!

    Career-wise, I'm determined to stop sabotaging myself. I did some research on the firm I'm interviewing with tomorrow, and I truly believe that it is a good fit for me. And I hope that shows during the interview...

    Other than that, it is somewhat out of my control...

    Regarding love--you are absolutely right that it does not make you happier and that you will always grasp for more. Sometimes the grasping makes it more difficult to be happy. And now I understand why I spend long stretches of time in an emotionally numb state. Sometimes it is easier to go about life when you are not absorbed in this whole love thing.

    I think happiness is an attitude, and it can be so hard to maintain the right attitude when you're in love.

    And, yes, all of life is a journey--that's all there is in the end, the journey. But it's so, SO easy to lose sight of that...It can be so hard, we're taught to always chase on thing or another...like a horse chasing the carrot---I used to say that we're always chasing some greater carrot, and people would laugh, somewhat uncomfortably. Hah!


    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post
    It's pretty tricky to see the difference between "going with the flow" (positive) and "being the dead fish that swims with the stream" I think when you go with teh flow, you're open to change, because life is change. It requires constant readjustments - mentally, physically, spiritually. I'm trying... but it's hard when you dont have the answers.
    Completely agree!

    And it's true...it can be so hard sometimes...Change is a terrifying thing--for me, anyway.

    As always, <3!

  4. #2324
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  5. #2325
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    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    Hippo Birdies two ewes and a mini moa!
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  6. #2326
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    Quote Originally Posted by Graycat View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by naiadknight View Post
    Hippo Birdies two ewes and a mini moa!
    Thanks guys!

    Had such a lovely day. Only downside was that we ate Vietnamese food and I forgot to tell them "no msg". Anytime I eat msg I cannot sleep. It's 5am here in London and I'm still awake...

    On the upside, I did read this interesting article about msg! Remedies
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

  7. #2327
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    Aw happy belated birthday!!

  8. #2328
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    Hey yb, haven't been here in awhile-- happy belated b-day!!

    (I started this post a few days ago, but kept getting pulled away by my daughter, or husband, or work.....)

    I loved reading all your reflections.. it's inspiring to me reading about people who follow their heart. I just work and live because at the point where I could've followed my heart, I didn't, and just chose the 'safe' way. It takes a lot of courage to go your own way.

  9. #2329
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    Quote Originally Posted by moon7 View Post
    Oh, the reason I am scared of fruits is that I binge on them when I am in my binging mode. That's the only reason I am afraid of them. I just have to change my whole thought process and start eating fruits every day in normal quantities so I don't have to eat 10 bananas a day when I binge. I am working on adding more carbs in. But I over-eate already this morning. I had a binge on almond muffins and now I just want to eat more carbs. I am scared that I will keep on bining on carbs everyday if I eat them everyday. How do I eat them in normal quantiy? Will this come with time? Do I just let myself have a party with carbs? The problem is I am trying to lose weight at the same time and heal myself from binging.
    Hi moon7--

    Don't be scared of fruits! They are not in the same category as muffins or cakes or ice cream. I had a long history of eating disorders, both restricting and binging, and going low carb did not resolve that. Eating high carb did though. I am careful not to eat high fat + high carb together because it's very easy to overeat. When I used to binge on foods, it was always on ice cream, nuts, cake... never just fruit or rice or potatoes.

    My experience has shown me that if I just eat fruit, I won't overeat. I would buy a watermelon for dinner and only eat 1/3 of it because I'm full and have no desire for more. I suggest you to experiment with this.

    I eat 300-400g carbs daily, and no weight gain, no cravings, better energy.

  10. #2330
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    Happy birfday!
    Time is passing so quickly. Right now, I feel like complaining to Einstein. Whether time is slow or fast depends on perception. Relativity theory is so romantic. And so sad.

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