I'm in that same periphery too. I find that I always end up in the same place, as the second in command or confidant to the person in charge. I've gone in both directions in the past, either being the lead or the follower but neither makes me happy. Being the one in charge is more responsibility than I like but being a follower means I'm just taking orders. But being the 2nd alpha means I'm not taking on all of the responsibility but I still have power to make change and influence things. It's a good fit for me and my bosses. They have someone who is capable of taking charge but also capable of listening and taking direction, plus I'm a good person for them to confide in. My current job is like that - I'm the go-to person for my boss but also act as a team lead to the others in my group.What's occurring to me is that I'm mistaking my role. I'm not a follower, but I'm not a leader either. I'm somewhere on the periphery. I think I undervalue the body of work I have created. Perhaps I need to gather myself together, then attach to an organisation who will support me (ie. believe in me, get me regular work). Or something
I don't have enough of a creative outlet though, and I think that's just my own fears of failing at something that really means something to me. I work in IT as a project manager now - hard to imagine, but 10 years ago, I was a graphic designer. I love writing but haven't been able to make myself just get in there and start a book. I'm good at the tech stuff and it pays well but it isn't soul-satisfying. Meanwhile, time keeps flying by so I have to get over my fears or risk never doing something I always thought would be 'my' thing.
Career-wise, I'm determined to stop sabotaging myself. I did some research on the firm I'm interviewing with tomorrow, and I truly believe that it is a good fit for me. And I hope that shows during the interview...
Other than that, it is somewhat out of my control...
Regarding love--you are absolutely right that it does not make you happier and that you will always grasp for more. Sometimes the grasping makes it more difficult to be happy. And now I understand why I spend long stretches of time in an emotionally numb state. Sometimes it is easier to go about life when you are not absorbed in this whole love thing.
I think happiness is an attitude, and it can be so hard to maintain the right attitude when you're in love.
And, yes, all of life is a journey--that's all there is in the end, the journey. But it's so, SO easy to lose sight of that...It can be so hard, we're taught to always chase on thing or another...like a horse chasing the carrot---I used to say that we're always chasing some greater carrot, and people would laugh, somewhat uncomfortably. Hah!
And it's true...it can be so hard sometimes...Change is a terrifying thing--for me, anyway.
As always, <3!
Hippo Birdies two ewes and a mini moa!
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
My Latest Journal
Had such a lovely day. Only downside was that we ate Vietnamese food and I forgot to tell them "no msg". Anytime I eat msg I cannot sleep. It's 5am here in London and I'm still awake...
On the upside, I did read this interesting article about msg! Remedies
"I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.
In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."
- Ray Peat
Aw happy belated birthday!!
Hey yb, haven't been here in awhile-- happy belated b-day!!
(I started this post a few days ago, but kept getting pulled away by my daughter, or husband, or work.....)
I loved reading all your reflections.. it's inspiring to me reading about people who follow their heart. I just work and live because at the point where I could've followed my heart, I didn't, and just chose the 'safe' way. It takes a lot of courage to go your own way.
Don't be scared of fruits! They are not in the same category as muffins or cakes or ice cream. I had a long history of eating disorders, both restricting and binging, and going low carb did not resolve that. Eating high carb did though. I am careful not to eat high fat + high carb together because it's very easy to overeat. When I used to binge on foods, it was always on ice cream, nuts, cake... never just fruit or rice or potatoes.
My experience has shown me that if I just eat fruit, I won't overeat. I would buy a watermelon for dinner and only eat 1/3 of it because I'm full and have no desire for more. I suggest you to experiment with this.
I eat 300-400g carbs daily, and no weight gain, no cravings, better energy.