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  1. #2291
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    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post
    After an anxiety-filled day, I have come to a conclusion.

    I know the kind of relationship I want, but in reality, I'm not ready for it.

    I lose myself in relationships... (my own fault), and I'm letting it happen again with YG. I'm losing sight of what I wanted to begin with; I'm repressing my personality and trying not to rock the boat, because I've gotten caught up in this idea of what a relationship should be, but it's not what I really want. I dont want the label; I dont want the companionship. If I'm to be in a relationship with someone it's because I want open and honest communication that fosters personal growth. The way I'm behaving right now is contrary to that goal.

    He pushed for us to see each other more, but I dont think we were ready for it. It's like prematurely trying to force a label on something...

    I would be very sad if he wasnt in my life any more, because I do really care about him, but I need to take a step back again. There's no point in me continuing this way. I need to be able to communicate with him openly - like we did when we were friends, but I feel blocked by both of our expectations and projections.

    Normally having these kind of feelings I would break up with the guy (blame him), but I see what's happening this time. I'm not strong enough in myself to be in a relationship without losing sight of who I am.

    I have a feeling that he is actually on the same page, and I think if we can talk about this it might pave the way for a more honest relationship. This one is exhausting me too much... it cant be right.
    This is some great insight. I think it may be a good idea for you to take a step back and take things more slowly. But a relationship is a two-way street, and perhaps the two of you can find a way to help each other overcome your respective problems. Again, I agree that you should talk about it with him...

    In general, I think that if issues can't be resolved through communication, then the relationship may not work out long term. But I have a good feeling about YG, and I think there's a good chance that you guys will be able to talk through it.

    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post
    I have to confess... I've been having pretty depressed thoughts. I don't know when they started: they crept in gradually enough that I didn't notice. Until today I found myself thinking about the meaninglessness of life, and how there was no point to anything.

    Even though last week I was on a love high, I've been exhausted since Friday... YG wanted to go out for dinner on Saturday night but I couldnt budge. I havent had the energy to work out since Thursday, and today I was pretty redundant work-wise. My head was pounding so badly that I had to do a headstand for 15 mins.

    And this time it's not diet, it's not hormones. It's purely stress and my inability to cope with it. The only way I am capable of coping is by shutting myself off from life... breaking up with people, not seeing people. I dont really want to break up with YG but I dont know if I can cope with the anxiety any more.
    That is hard. I hope you're feeling better now.

    This past weekend was really bad for me too. I was feeling really depressed. Pretty sure I haven't felt that bad in years. It's not the acute sadness from the breakup/move, but more like a general sense of depresssion that used to be the norm for me. I'm afraid of relapse too.

    Well, what works for me is to work out really hard. If all I can think about is cranking out the next rep, then I'm not thinking about the meaning of life. And that really helps. It gives my mind a break, shuts up the chatter. And then later on I can deal with all of it better. Not sure if it would work for you though.

    Also, I don't think you sound pathetic at all. No part of your journal sounds pathetic. Only really judgmental people would feel compelled to judge you. It takes a lot of courage and self-awareness to write about one's feelings honestly. And there is strength and beauty in that kind of honesty. If anything, it's admirable.

  2. #2292
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    My parents and grandparents consistently got after me for "worrying." If I talked about anything other than idle chatter, I was worrying. I learned to bottle it up. I eventually found friends that were willing to talk other than hype and chatter, that were willing to talk over the deep (and sometimes/ a lot of times dark) stuff running through my/ our heads. I found a husband willing and able to bounce back and forth on the two with me.
    I was well trained to put forward a happy, personable face, and disregard what I thought or felt. It screwed me up pretty bad. I think too many folks our age were trained that way.
    I can't say slipping into anxiety or depression now and again are "regression." Even with all my forward movement in those departments, I still will have my down moments/ days. Those are my cue to sit/ feel/ think and analyze, figure out what I'm not acknowledging that needs to come forward. There are days where all I want is to curl up n the couch and cry my brains out. I make myself do whatever is on the docket for that day, and then I let myself do it. Usually, that lets out whatever demon is plaguing me.
    Re: pathetic- no, you aren't. It takes a certain bravery to face your past and your demons, and a larger still dose to do it online. I respect you for that. You've faced down demons I couldn't imagine even looking in the eye. I applaud and admire you for that.
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  3. #2293
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nivanthe View Post
    Hm, not with other people... I've always been fine with being myself. In the case of my BF it just evolved into walking on eggshells due to some of the difficulties of being long distance for so long. I didn't want to say or do anything that would create waves.

    Details aside, it degraded earlier this year to the point where i *wanted* to break it off with him because it was probably best, and so I was just saying things (that I'd had on my mind for quite some time) point blank which took him extremely off guard. He hadn't expected me to approach the topic with the strength that I was showing -- he expected basically a ball of emotion and tears.

    We met up again and it had been the best visit so far. Since then i've been "myself" again, and saying what's on my mind, not sugarcoating anything, and it's working out for me, and him.
    It's interesting that you say that, because I had a realisation earlier that this is part of my pattern in relationships. I walk on egg shells because I think the guy is withdrawing and I dont want to "scare him off", and then I reach complete exasperation and break up with him. The only reason I've had a five year relationship is because the guy literally wouldnt take accept any break-up attempts

    It's easier for me to break up with someone and be alone than to express how I feel.

    Quote Originally Posted by Nivanthe View Post
    The few other close friends I have I can also talk to about deeper things and I don't get blown off.
    I am blessed because I have a lot of friends I can have real heart-to-heart conversations with.

    But relationships are a different matter...

    I actually wrote you a huge repsonse and then I realised that I didnt want to dump it all on you, so it's below for whoever to respond to


    Quote Originally Posted by Graycat View Post
    Hi Yoga, I've been a little quiet lately, but wanted to try and send some good vibes your way.


    That's just huge! Acknowledging what you've overcome is also a great thing, as so often people take good things for granted. A good analogy would be for instance, when we have dealt with long term illness or pain, and after we've been healed we hardly notice the lack of pain anymore. So, yeah, you have quite a few things to be happy about.


    I understand that. I sometimes write personal things, and then for a while feel like I've put myself "out there, on the spot". What are people going to think of me etc, but at the end of the day I find it: a) helpful and b) I really don't care what people would think of me. I'm just being myself and being honest with myself. I'd rather do that then be a fake liar, so I can please people.

    As to your relationship and the anxiety, I don't know if I could offer much insightful input. Bear in mind that I haven't been in a new relationship in quite some time.

    The thing is that every time we get involved with someone intimately, depending on the intensity of that relationship and the personalities of the people involved in it, we give up a little bit (or more than a little bit) of who we are, and our independence. I suppose I'm not really that romantic type of a person, so I don't believe that two people make one whole entity, or IOW two halves of a whole. IDK, maybe such analogy exists somewhere, for some, it just hasn't been my reality.

    I think it's up to you how much, if any of who you are you are willing to compromise. I understand the spontaneous reaction -- you building a wall around yourself. I think it's common for people who have been single and independent for a long time to be doing that. The reasons for that could be many, fear of losing ourselves and our true identity, fear of possibly making a mistake, uncertainty about the future....
    There are just too many fears and what ifs, but at the end of the day we humans are sociable creatures and no matter what we tell ourselves we are wired to seek other people.

    I think you should just be yourself and be direct and even blunt when communicating. If it turns out that YG doesn't like or accept that, then so be it. Walking on eggshells as you put it doesn't look like the better alternative to me.

    I'm sure you'll figure things out soon. In the meantime you have many things to be thankful for and they should greatly offset any anxiety.

    All the best <3
    Aw Gray, I blab so much on here, and you are so supportive - I really dont expect you to always chime in. I completely appreciate it when you do, but I must get so boring. At least my issues evolve - I can say that about myself I do feel like I'm making progress all the time.

    Me losing my identity is more to do with "people pleasing" than anything else. I dont believe in an amorphous union with another person - I had that before, and this time I want my own life, shared with someone. The independence thing isnt an issue so far, but I hope that the compromises in my future are about small things...

    I appreciate you always <3
    Last edited by YogaBare; 11-05-2013 at 03:11 PM.
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

  4. #2294
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    Any readers who are better at "open and direct communication" please chime in

    When it comes to relationships there's this idea ingrained into women that they shouldnt talk about the relationship to the man because he'll get "scared off".

    But it feel really wrong to me not to talk about the relationship and how it makes us feel. It's such a huge thing - why deny it? Are you supposed to give this impresssion that you dont need to talk about anything and it's all a walk in the park? From everything I've observed and been told over the last few weeks - falling in love is bitter-sweet, and for both parties it's a mix of agony and ecstasy. (Though I honestly dont remember it being like this before).

    Example: YG told me that it made him very paranoid when I didnt want to see him more often than twice a week - but he didnt tell me that at the time. Instead he tortured himself over-thinking everything, until finally he snapped and withdrew from me and I had to guess what was going on. It would have been so much easier if we'd just talked about how things were going, and whether we were happy.

    What I really want to talk to him about is power and control struggles in the relationship. Not an easy topic.

    I didnt realise it, but up til now I had all the "power" and "control". (I didnt perceive it like this because I was a nervous wreck). He would withdraw occasionally, but in defence I would withdraw even more, and he'd come running back to me. Then he suddenly pulled back... A LOT. I suspected what the issue was (he felt out of control with the pace of the relationship / wanted to see me more) and gave him space.

    When he came back we decided to see more of each other. And things have been good... except that the withdrawal freaked the shit out of me, and I spent last week seeing him at the drop-of-a-hat, and being hyper-vigilent not to say or do anything that would suffocate him.

    This is putting me into a mental state of "lack" - so subliminally, it's reinforcing the feeling that I want something from him.

    His behaviour towards me has changed - a little: he is being slightly more flippant, more casual. He's not being an asshole - today he's actually being really sweet. It's just that he feels confident and in control now.

    Problem is that when this happened in the past (it always happened like this), I would keep being a walk-over until the guy actually started mistreating me, then I would snap and break up with them. So, when I saw the beginnings of this behaviour, I started to imagine ending it.

    But then I realised that breaking up with someone is actually just me trying to get control back... To use the beautufl Leonard Cohen quote: "All I ever learned from love, was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you".

    To break the pattern I needed to give up the idea of control.

    So I gave up the fear that he's going to dump me. I released it, and I released him. I want him to be free. If he's trying to feel in control it's because he feels controlled / out of control. If he wants to walk away, he can - I want him to be with me because he wants to be with me, not because I'm repressing myself.

    I just want him to know that I dont want either of us to feel trapped by this relationship because then it will just become like every other relationship we've been in, and if that's the case he may as well go out with someone who wants him to have "a career", and I may as well go out with an atheist (no offence to any atheist readers. I've just dated too many.. and it never works out )

    In other news, today my dreams came true and YG wore his hair in a top knot... swoon I'm a lucky woman.
    Last edited by YogaBare; 11-05-2013 at 03:25 PM.
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

  5. #2295
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    I loved this post. Not much to add because I agree with all of your revelation. Glad you saw just in time what it was (control issue on both sides).

    Control is such a big issue for me too. I don't fall for anyone because I don't want to let my emotions take reign of my brain....




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  6. #2296
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    Quote Originally Posted by turquoisepassion View Post
    I loved this post. Not much to add because I agree with all of your revelation. Glad you saw just in time what it was (control issue on both sides).

    Control is such a big issue for me too. I don't fall for anyone because I don't want to let my emotions take reign of my brain....
    I'm glad it resonated Maybe I should send YG the link? haha

    I feel you, and I dont think you're alone in that. Many people block their feelings until they feel safe, and often they misjudge what is "safe" and this blocks them up even more...

    Quote Originally Posted by diene View Post
    This is some great insight. I think it may be a good idea for you to take a step back and take things more slowly. But a relationship is a two-way street, and perhaps the two of you can find a way to help each other overcome your respective problems. Again, I agree that you should talk about it with him...

    In general, I think that if issues can't be resolved through communication, then the relationship may not work out long term. But I have a good feeling about YG, and I think there's a good chance that you guys will be able to talk through it.

    That is hard. I hope you're feeling better now.

    This past weekend was really bad for me too. I was feeling really depressed. Pretty sure I haven't felt that bad in years. It's not the acute sadness from the breakup/move, but more like a general sense of depresssion that used to be the norm for me. I'm afraid of relapse too.

    Well, what works for me is to work out really hard. If all I can think about is cranking out the next rep, then I'm not thinking about the meaning of life. And that really helps. It gives my mind a break, shuts up the chatter. And then later on I can deal with all of it better. Not sure if it would work for you though.

    Also, I don't think you sound pathetic at all. No part of your journal sounds pathetic. Only really judgmental people would feel compelled to judge you. It takes a lot of courage and self-awareness to write about one's feelings honestly. And there is strength and beauty in that kind of honesty. If anything, it's admirable.
    Thanks for the support Di. It was great chatting with you on FB the other night and you gave me the insight then that I should be direct with YG.

    I'm really sorry you were feeling so sad! I do not think you're relapsing - I think you're going through a really tough time and it's natural to feel blue. You'd be a robot if you could leave a five year relationship/life and feel fine about it.

    I was pretty depressed today... Amongst other things I feel really frustrated with my career (long story) and it wasnt helped by the fact that no students came to my yoga class But then I had a pretty good afternoon and I feel better. And weirdly, just spending the evening writing in my online journal with my online friends makes me feel pretty good I still cannot get over how much this journal helps me process stuff.

    Quote Originally Posted by naiadknight View Post
    My parents and grandparents consistently got after me for "worrying." If I talked about anything other than idle chatter, I was worrying. I learned to bottle it up. I eventually found friends that were willing to talk other than hype and chatter, that were willing to talk over the deep (and sometimes/ a lot of times dark) stuff running through my/ our heads. I found a husband willing and able to bounce back and forth on the two with me.
    I was well trained to put forward a happy, personable face, and disregard what I thought or felt. It screwed me up pretty bad. I think too many folks our age were trained that way.
    I can't say slipping into anxiety or depression now and again are "regression." Even with all my forward movement in those departments, I still will have my down moments/ days. Those are my cue to sit/ feel/ think and analyze, figure out what I'm not acknowledging that needs to come forward. There are days where all I want is to curl up n the couch and cry my brains out. I make myself do whatever is on the docket for that day, and then I let myself do it. Usually, that lets out whatever demon is plaguing me.
    Re: pathetic- no, you aren't. It takes a certain bravery to face your past and your demons, and a larger still dose to do it online. I respect you for that. You've faced down demons I couldn't imagine even looking in the eye. I applaud and admire you for that.
    Aw thank you Naia. I really appreciate you saying all that, and I'm really glad to have your presence in this journal

    Isnt it crazy how damaging those childhood remarks are? "girls dont get angry", "boys dont cry"... cue a Western world of neurotic women and repressed men. It's sad.

    And thanks - it's inspiring to hear you and Nameless talk about how you still get bad days and that these are "reflection" periods. I know the depression is more or less gone, but it alarms me that the echoes of despair can resonate so quickly...
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

  7. #2297
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    On that note of boys vs. girls with repression, Hulky and I had an interesting convo about this recently. I haven't really thought about before how damaging it can be to boys to be told not to express themselves, or that they can only express themselves in certain ways. It's not any worse or better than it is for girls, just different. You can/can't be like this/that. Everyone struggles to fit into their norms.

    In regards to your revelation post: What you wrote seems like a good thing to discuss with YG (can't tell if you did..?). I guess I am more bold now with my relationship defining discussions with Hulky since a) we got married and b) he is a very blunt & honest person so he appreciates the same back at him. I tend to repress myself out of fear that I've found that it's better to be angry and speak irrationally than to say nothing at all. That said, you obviously need to find out what "style" works for you and YG. I recently had to give up the idea of control for my marriage... It was very unpleasant. I realized I was being really selfish.

    It's funny that you mention the top knot. I am imagining Hulky with his hair like that and some scruff and it is HOT, but neither of us would be able to deal with the months (year+ more like) of letting his hair grow out . He just shaved his face this week and I am enjoying not fighting through his mustache/beard to his lips.
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  8. #2298
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    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post
    And thanks - it's inspiring to hear you and Nameless talk about how you still get bad days and that these are "reflection" periods. I know the depression is more or less gone, but it alarms me that the echoes of despair can resonate so quickly...
    Yeah, it never really stops surprising me!
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  9. #2299
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    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    In regards to your revelation post: What you wrote seems like a good thing to discuss with YG (can't tell if you did..?). I guess I am more bold now with my relationship defining discussions with Hulky since a) we got married and b) he is a very blunt & honest person so he appreciates the same back at him. I tend to repress myself out of fear that I've found that it's better to be angry and speak irrationally than to say nothing at all. That said, you obviously need to find out what "style" works for you and YG. I recently had to give up the idea of control for my marriage... It was very unpleasant. I realized I was being really selfish.

    It's funny that you mention the top knot. I am imagining Hulky with his hair like that and some scruff and it is HOT, but neither of us would be able to deal with the months (year+ more like) of letting his hair grow out . He just shaved his face this week and I am enjoying not fighting through his mustache/beard to his lips.
    How did you feel you were being selfish? If it's any consolation, most people are extremely selfish when it comes to love...
    Last edited by YogaBare; 12-22-2013 at 04:50 AM.
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

  10. #2300
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    Hulky doesn't look in mirrors much so he's pretty open to having his hair/facial hair anyway I want. Though he did have a mohawk for a bit a few years ago. That was fun. He had to style that himself because I didn't want to hurt him. He got really good at it, but I don't think either of us want to deal with the upkeep again . I still miss mine sometimes.

    I was being selfish because I was wanting a lot from him and not really giving him anything in return. This article kind of explains what I'm talking about Marriage Isn’t For You | Seth Adam Smith. Maintaining a loving & supportive relationship isn't easy and I was waiting for something to change without realizing that I had to do that. Nothing was particularly bad, but I wasn't being very supportive of Hulky in some ways and hadn't realized it. I started being a passive aggressive jerk about something on Friday, he fought with me to get me to calm down enough to actually tell him what was bothering me. He laid it out for me, I felt awful and cried (because that's how I respond to stress), got really depressed for a night, and then started to try and fix things. Things are better right now and I just hope I can keep it up. My fears of regression are tied up in a fear of losing him. I'm afraid that if I mess up, there won't be any way to make up for it because it's not just affecting me.
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