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  1. #2281
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    I have to confess... I've been having pretty depressed thoughts. I don't know when they started: they crept in gradually enough that I didn't notice. Until today I found myself thinking about the meaninglessness of life, and how there was no point to anything.

    Even though last week I was on a love high, I've been exhausted since Friday... YG wanted to go out for dinner on Saturday night but I couldnt budge. I havent had the energy to work out since Thursday, and today I was pretty redundant work-wise. My head was pounding so badly that I had to do a headstand for 15 mins.

    And this time it's not diet, it's not hormones. It's purely stress and my inability to cope with it. The only way I am capable of coping is by shutting myself off from life... breaking up with people, not seeing people. I dont really want to break up with YG but I dont know if I can cope with the anxiety any more.
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

  2. #2282
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    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post
    I have to confess... I've been having pretty depressed thoughts. I don't know when they started: they crept in gradually enough that I didn't notice. Until today I found myself thinking about the meaninglessness of life, and how there was no point to anything.

    Even though last week I was on a love high, I've been exhausted since Friday... YG wanted to go out for dinner on Saturday night but I couldnt budge. I havent had the energy to work out since Thursday, and today I was pretty redundant work-wise. My head was pounding so badly that I had to do a headstand for 15 mins.

    And this time it's not diet, it's not hormones. It's purely stress and my inability to cope with it. The only way I am capable of coping is by shutting myself off from life... breaking up with people, not seeing people. I dont really want to break up with YG but I dont know if I can cope with the anxiety any more.
    Did you read Mark's recent blog post on reacting to stress? I don't know if it would help you, but I hope it does.
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  3. #2283
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    I poked in for the article about protecting your kids- it's a good one.

    But while I'm here . . . Something I'm working on right now is being myself. Always. I'm still mostly failing (people-pleasing does nothing but fuck you up in your own head) but I have met a few people where I made myself say "fuck it- love it or leave it, I don't care. I'm being me." I've mostly gotten really good responses. Like, better than when I'm trying to people-please. The reason I'm mentioning that is maybe that's something you can do with YG. Your romantic relationship may or may not survive it, but if it doesn't, that's probably for the best, anyway, right?

    One more thought- don't make too many big decisions if you're dealing with depression. Withdraw, introvert, whatever you need to do to get back on track, but try not to base decisions on mental processes that you know aren't really yours.
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  4. #2284
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    Quote Originally Posted by RichMahogany View Post
    Did you read Mark's recent blog post on reacting to stress? I don't know if it would help you, but I hope it does.
    Thanks Rich... I appreciate that. Reading it now

    Btw, this just popped up on my FB feed.. and I thought of you Fancy - Ron Burgundy Minifig by miniBIGS

    Quote Originally Posted by drssgchic View Post
    I poked in for the article about protecting your kids- it's a good one.

    But while I'm here . . . Something I'm working on right now is being myself. Always. I'm still mostly failing (people-pleasing does nothing but fuck you up in your own head) but I have met a few people where I made myself say "fuck it- love it or leave it, I don't care. I'm being me." I've mostly gotten really good responses. Like, better than when I'm trying to people-please. The reason I'm mentioning that is maybe that's something you can do with YG. Your romantic relationship may or may not survive it, but if it doesn't, that's probably for the best, anyway, right?

    One more thought- don't make too many big decisions if you're dealing with depression. Withdraw, introvert, whatever you need to do to get back on track, but try not to base decisions on mental processes that you know aren't really yours.
    Hey drssgchic, thanks for stopping in You're completely right. In my case I let fear dominate me and shape my interactions with men I am romantically involved with. On the surface there's nothing wrong, but on a subliminal level they can feel it as I begin to self-censor my personality. Thanks so much for the insight.

    Last edited by YogaBare; 11-05-2013 at 01:47 AM.
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

  5. #2285
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    namelesswonder is online now Senior Member
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    I've finally stopped thinking of bad days/weeks/period as regression... It took a long time. There is still the somewhat reflexive, "This again? When will I ever get better?!!" whenever I have a brain crash of any kind (anxiety, depression, or both), but now I know it's part of the process. A true regression would mean never improving, but you know you've improved in the past and that means you can do it again. I don't believe in allowing myself the choice to give up. No matter how much I need to wallow, I know I will eventually drag myself out of it.
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  6. #2286
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    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post
    I'm repressing my personality and trying not to rock the boat, because I've gotten caught up in this idea of what a relationship should be, but it's not what I really want.
    Quote Originally Posted by drssgchic View Post
    But while I'm here . . . Something I'm working on right now is being myself. Always. I'm still mostly failing (people-pleasing does nothing but fuck you up in your own head) but I have met a few people where I made myself say "fuck it- love it or leave it, I don't care. I'm being me." I've mostly gotten really good responses.
    I have the same success with my BF now that I am being more myself, and have reacquired my backbone Other friend-relationships as well, but the BF most notably.

    We were going through some bad times and close-to-breakups earlier this year, so I just said what was on my mind without fear of making him upset or saying something that would cause him to speed up the breakup with me; instead, I got the complete opposite response and it ended up helping out immensely.

    Bonus: It is me being me, not me being who I think he wants me to be. The real me is what got him interested, after all.
    Last edited by Nivanthe; 11-05-2013 at 07:36 AM.

  7. #2287
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    I like the quote you've posted. It has this Real Truth feel to it.

    As for withdrawal to cope with stress, I find it a completely human reaction. Despite being a social animal, solitude is a great healer too. I hope you can take some quiet meditative time to get through the turbulent period.
    My Journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread57916.html
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  8. #2288
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    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    I've finally stopped thinking of bad days/weeks/period as regression... It took a long time. There is still the somewhat reflexive, "This again? When will I ever get better?!!" whenever I have a brain crash of any kind (anxiety, depression, or both), but now I know it's part of the process. A true regression would mean never improving, but you know you've improved in the past and that means you can do it again. I don't believe in allowing myself the choice to give up. No matter how much I need to wallow, I know I will eventually drag myself out of it.
    You're right... And when I think of where I am now even compared to two months ago, the improvement is huge. I'm no longer afraid of regressing back to where I was last year. My crashes are much less frequent. I dont have an ED anymore. Even dealing with anxiety is progress because I didnt feel it before under all the depression. THe list goes on.

    Part of what makes this hard is writing all this stuff so publicly... thinking about who might be judging me / thinking I'm pathetic. But writing it publicly is also what makes me get clarity, and move on.

    Thanks for your support... as always <3

    Quote Originally Posted by Nivanthe View Post
    I have the same success with my BF now that I am being more myself, and have reacquired my backbone Other friend-relationships as well, but the BF most notably.

    We were going through some bad times and close-to-breakups earlier this year, so I just said what was on my mind without fear of making him upset or saying something that would cause him to speed up the breakup with me; instead, I got the complete opposite response and it ended up helping out immensely.

    Bonus: It is me being me, not me being who I think he wants me to be. The real me is what got him interested, after all.
    Thanks Nivanthe... that is really good to hear. Did you have difficulty in the past for being judged for who you were?

    This is all making me realise that I still have a big hang up about being judged for being "deep" when I was younger. Female friends used to tell me to stop being "heavy" if I wanted to talk about anything other than gossip or clothes. And I always ended up in relationships with men who would dismiss my reflections. YG is actually the only guy I've ever been with with whom I can talk about life. There's other parts of myself which I hold back from most people (and completely hold back from the forum) and I need to be able to share with my partner, but I'm afraid (and also have no idea how to bring them up...)

    Quote Originally Posted by Leida View Post
    I like the quote you've posted. It has this Real Truth feel to it.

    As for withdrawal to cope with stress, I find it a completely human reaction. Despite being a social animal, solitude is a great healer too. I hope you can take some quiet meditative time to get through the turbulent period.
    Aw Leida, thank you. Your kind words really touched my heart. I appreciate them.

    And yes, the quote is pertinent for me today too.
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

  9. #2289
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    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post
    Thanks Nivanthe... that is really good to hear. Did you have difficulty in the past for being judged for who you were?
    Hm, not with other people... I've always been fine with being myself. In the case of my BF it just evolved into walking on eggshells due to some of the difficulties of being long distance for so long. I didn't want to say or do anything that would create waves.

    Details aside, it degraded earlier this year to the point where i *wanted* to break it off with him because it was probably best, and so I was just saying things (that I'd had on my mind for quite some time) point blank which took him extremely off guard. He hadn't expected me to approach the topic with the strength that I was showing -- he expected basically a ball of emotion and tears.

    We met up again and it had been the best visit so far. Since then i've been "myself" again, and saying what's on my mind, not sugarcoating anything, and it's working out for me, and him.

    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post
    This is all making me realise that I still have a big hang up about being judged for being "deep" when I was younger. Female friends used to tell me to stop being "heavy" if I wanted to talk about anything other than gossip or clothes. And I always ended up in relationships with men who would dismiss my reflections. YG is actually the only guy I've ever been with with whom I can talk about life. There's other parts of myself which I hold back from most people (and completely hold back from the forum) and I need to be able to share with my partner, but I'm afraid (and also have no idea how to bring them up...)
    I started to tack this on to your first question, but it fits better here. I'm a "quality vs quantity" type of person when it comes to friends. (Not saying whether you are too or not, just speaking generally!)

    I had a more complicated childhood and upbringing than most I have met personally, so there are some that I just don't mesh well with, and instead prefer people with more... substance and maturity. That's one of the many things I love about my BF, he has also had difficulties and so he "gets it." The few other close friends I have I can also talk to about deeper things and I don't get blown off.

    If YG is easier to talk to, and he hasn't dismissed your thoughts previously, then maybe it's just past experiences that are holding you back from talking to him about those things. If you need to talk about [it], I'd go for it... that's part of what a partner is there for! Plus it will get those worries off of your chest. It might be what's weighing you down lately?

  10. #2290
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    Hi Yoga, I've been a little quiet lately, but wanted to try and send some good vibes your way.

    You're right... And when I think of where I am now even compared to two months ago, the improvement is huge. I'm no longer afraid of regressing back to where I was last year. My crashes are much less frequent. I dont have an ED anymore. Even dealing with anxiety is progress because I didnt feel it before under all the depression. THe list goes on.
    That's just huge! Acknowledging what you've overcome is also a great thing, as so often people take good things for granted. A good analogy would be for instance, when we have dealt with long term illness or pain, and after we've been healed we hardly notice the lack of pain anymore. So, yeah, you have quite a few things to be happy about.

    Part of what makes this hard is writing all this stuff so publicly... thinking about who might be judging me / thinking I'm pathetic. But writing it publicly is also what makes me get clarity, and move on.
    I understand that. I sometimes write personal things, and then for a while feel like I've put myself "out there, on the spot". What are people going to think of me etc, but at the end of the day I find it: a) helpful and b) I really don't care what people would think of me. I'm just being myself and being honest with myself. I'd rather do that then be a fake liar, so I can please people.

    As to your relationship and the anxiety, I don't know if I could offer much insightful input. Bear in mind that I haven't been in a new relationship in quite some time.

    The thing is that every time we get involved with someone intimately, depending on the intensity of that relationship and the personalities of the people involved in it, we give up a little bit (or more than a little bit) of who we are, and our independence. I suppose I'm not really that romantic type of a person, so I don't believe that two people make one whole entity, or IOW two halves of a whole. IDK, maybe such analogy exists somewhere, for some, it just hasn't been my reality.

    I think it's up to you how much, if any of who you are you are willing to compromise. I understand the spontaneous reaction -- you building a wall around yourself. I think it's common for people who have been single and independent for a long time to be doing that. The reasons for that could be many, fear of losing ourselves and our true identity, fear of possibly making a mistake, uncertainty about the future....
    There are just too many fears and what ifs, but at the end of the day we humans are sociable creatures and no matter what we tell ourselves we are wired to seek other people.

    I think you should just be yourself and be direct and even blunt when communicating. If it turns out that YG doesn't like or accept that, then so be it. Walking on eggshells as you put it doesn't look like the better alternative to me.

    I'm sure you'll figure things out soon. In the meantime you have many things to be thankful for and they should greatly offset any anxiety.

    All the best <3
    Last edited by Graycat; 11-05-2013 at 01:22 PM.

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