Diene, Gray, Moluv, Girlhk, Turquoise: thanks so much for the positive comments Part of the reason I might delete is because I've told YG loads about the forum and my internet BFFs, and now we're spending more time together he's on my computer a lot so he knows the website is MDA. If he bothered to look on here he'd figure it out pretty quickly who I was! I wouldn't give a shit about him seeing my posts on the forum at large, but the journal is another matter... particularly that I've started talking about him so much in here..>!
Zach, you know I love you, and I know you're trying to be supportive, so I'm going to tell you: that is the worst thing you can say to someone who's been sexually abused. I'm not so sensitive anymore that I'm affected by what people on the internet say, but if ever someone you know in reality (a gf, or one of your children) comes to you and tells you something like that, telling them to get over it would be really damaging for them. I'm not saying this in annoyance: I know you're trying to help.
Thursday, 10th Oct
Firstly, thanks for asking about the presentation guys! It went really, really well. People were really moved by what I'd done, and one guy said it was life changing Prob be a few more months before I'm finished completely, but I'm hopeful that I've made something good.
Now, the other stuff (warning: probably tmi ahead )
I didn't realised how traumatised I was until yesterday. In the morning I started getting flashback to horrible things that happened to me: stuff I hadn't thought about in years. Luckily it only lasted a few hours.
Me and YG came back to my place afterwards. I wasn't planning to tell him anything, but as soon as things started getting heated I knew I couldn't go any further without being honest. I didn't say much, but he got the gist, and he was amazing. Told me that this was a new day, and he's a new guy who cares about me, and it's going to take time to rebuild trust, but that he could wait. He also said I could tell him anything I needed to, whenever I was ready.
We went to bed and it was so weird... Things would get passionate, and then suddenly I would realise that I'd left my body. I can recognise now that this happened to me in the past (not all the time, but many times), but I wouldn't have the space to explore it... I'd force myself to "go with the flow" when really it was the last thing I wanted. But because I felt no pressure at any time with YG (the man is a saint... seriously ), within a few hours I was able to relax, and we could be more intimate, and it was nice.
Also (and sorry if this is TMI), while I've always been a very generous lover, last night I recognised that in the past I was using my "skills" to try and make the guy like me more. Isn't that awful? But last night (maybe because I felt no pressure) the intimacy resulted from a genuine desire to share with someone. Which is what intimacy should be, right? It's not about what you get out of it as an individual (whether that's an orgasm or an attachment): it's about the shared experience.
And, idk... he seems to have already decided he's in this for the long haul. When he was leaving this morning he told me we'd work through it. Of course, people's minds can change, and there's no way of knowing how things will pan out, but right now, I feel very fortunate to be having this experience.
And guys, as always... thank you. Me and Diene were talking on FB the other day, saying how strange it is to have such close relationships with people we've never met. The level of support we give each other is like what people would give family, or BFFs. It's pretty amazing
Love you guys.
"I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.
In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."
- Ray Peat