Entry Twenty One: Eating like Prey
1am - 7am.
Went to bed last night thinking of breakfast. That's not a good sign for me - it usually means I'm depriving myself. I only ate 2k cals yest...
"only ate 2k cals yest"? That's one thing I never thought I'd say
Better, but seeing the hint of dermatitis on my knuckles. To rectify it, I ate a tablespoon of coconut oil... from a SPOON! Ha. The high carbers are probably freaking at that, but I actually love the taste! And it makes a big difference to my skin.
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Snack (berries and coconut milk): 11.15am
Snack (banana): 12pm
Lunch (broth): 2pm
Snack (Orange): 4.30pm
Snack (cucumber): 5.30pm
Second day of grazing. So far, I love it. It's so nice to snack and not feel guilty; to eat and not feel like I've got to stuff myself to get me through to my next eating window.
I think I'm getting a lot more sensitive to the rhythms of my body. The last two days I've been very satisfied with small portions of food; then tonight I ate a lot. I made an amazing (if I do say so myself!) Thai yellow curry with prawns, and I ate a huuuge portion of it. I'm starting to understand that my body wants different things at different times. Tonight it needed a huge meal, but tomorrow it won't (or it might!).
And at the end of the day:
On average I think my calories are dropping. I actually stepped on the scale today and I'm down a kilo (2.2 lbs) since last week.
I've also been exercising more and more each day, and over the last few days I feel a buoyancy in my body that I haven't felt for ages. Usually when I'm in good shape I'm constantly bending, kicking, stretching. Without being too hippie about it, I really experience my body. I've been doing that over the last few days, but I havent felt that kind of freedom in my body since last July, when I started to relapse. I thought it was cos' I had put on fat, but now I'm thinking that it's something else. Stress? Inflammation? Who knows...
Actually, I feel remarkably unstressed at the moment. It's the regular sleep, the regular eating, being at home... but mostly I think it's the journalling. I've never talked about this issue at length before, and I think putting it into words, riding through this experiment, and most especially getting support from so many amazing people is helping me so much.
I'm actually a bit scared about going back to London on Tuesday. While I do feel relaxed, I also feel pathetically fragile. I started crying talking to a friend yesterday, for no reason at all, and I'm pretty firey. I can fly off the handle quite easily, and then I hate myself for it. It's safe here. Safe and isolated. That's not really life though, is it?
Sometimes you live by healing, but sometimes you heal by living.