Well, I'm back... sooner than expected! I feel like a bit of an idiot, but this journal is an outlet for me, and I clearly need it.
Firstly: thank you. I'm really, really touched that you guys wrote such thoughtful responses, and took the time to read my stupid wailing. Every reply really, really touched my heart.
Secondly, I decided not to relapse. Well, I rescued the measuring tape from the bin, I didn't eat yesterday, or today, but I've come through slaughter and realised how stupid this is. I'm having a nectarine now, and I will eat tomorrow.
Thirdly, I've realised that, relapsing is impossible, because in truth, I hadn't recovered. My behaviours changed, and I was allowing myself to eat but, give or take a few weeks, my thoughts were consistently obsessive and neurotic, and my mood is influenced by what I see in the mirror. And sadly, the best thing I think when I see myself is "Oh. I don't look that bad..."
Having done this N=1, I can see this is not a nutritional problem. Sure, the years of chronic deprivation and yo-yo diets didn't do me any favours, but it was actually reading the ED thread on Bodybuilder.com (thank Ci!) that made me see the light. All these people, allowing ED to tear their minds and bodies apart. Maybe it's nutritional, maybe it's hormonal, but where does it really start?
I have rage issues, and I hate myself, and I project this onto every aspect of my life. Nothing works out, everything becomes a source of pain and frustration, no one is good enough, especially not me. The stress generated from this perpetual cycle haunts me at every turn, keeps me up at night, and I turn to what soothes me: food. As we know from Ray Peat, sugar lowers stress, and most food lowers mine.
The problem is that anything stresses me. The act of living upsets me. I have such beautiful ideals, but not-so-deep-down, I am angry, petty, and pissed off. I believe that I'm a despicable person, not worthy of love, not worth more than a body which can be used, possessed, disposed of. All the treasures inside my heart turn to dust as soon as I allow them to breathe life.
There's a great quote from Game of Thrones where it's said: "there's a beast in every man and it stirs when you put a sword in his hand." Luckily I have not turned to raping and pillaging, but I know the savage beast, and the only thing that soothes that soothes it for me is a tub of cottage cheese, or a pineapple, or whatever else I'm stuffing my face with at the time Very occasionally I will unleash my wrath upon someone I know, but usually I box it inside. I used to cry every time I went for therapy, and bad then it felt like the pain had no beginning, no end, that it was a vortex woven into my soul, and nothing could extricate me.
I'm glad to say I'm not in such a bad way anymore. But still, there is the relentless self hatred that colours everything in my life.
I don't really know where to go from here. I am aware that modifying behaviours isn't going to help me. How do you generate enough self love to accept yourself, and enough respect to allow yourself to give yourself what you need? I know none of us have these answers, or else we would all be enlightened, and probably every one struggles with these thoughts on occasion. Fortunately they are not my default setting anymore (since taking the progesterone really) but I do feel them creeping in on a daily basis.
Weirdly, it does make me feel better to vocalise here that most of the time I feel like a petty bitch, tortured by the guilt of y own inadequacies.
I'm really sorry for the heavy load again, and I completely understand if no one replies (particualry since I didn't even respond properly to your other, lovely responses - I will!). I'm hoping that no one too judgemental has drifted in, because no one really needs to read these inane things that I need to write out.
"I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.
In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."
- Ray Peat