Time for some honest Johnston.
I can feel myself relapsing. I'm getting obsessed with working out, losing fat, planning crash diets. Friday I took photos of myself, noticed my body comp had improved in just a few weeks, and promptly got blind drunk, binged, and spent all weekend in bed with a hangover, eating, creating a profile on bodybuilders.com, typing questions about my workout regime.
I'm driving myself crazy trying to figure out what I need to do to lose weight / why I need to eat the amount I do / why I keep self sabotaging.
I don't know what I'm going to do yet. On one hand, I sprinted this morning, and haven't eaten today, but I've thrown out my measuring tape. I'm sick of living my life by those numbers, but I'm incapable of loving my body with this extra fat. I touch my arm and feel it's softness; I look in the mirror and see flab. I want to stop trying to control, but I can't stop hating what I look like.
Cyclical thoughts running through my head:
- A crash diet will make me lose weight
- But I will put the weight back on straight away
- But any time I got borderline anorexic was through starving myself, and when I regained a little weight, I stayed pretty thin
- I'm the heaviest I've ever been
- Will I eventually always end up back at this weight?
- Why do I need to eat so much? I'm clearly not burning it all off. Is eating so much a sign of metabolic disfunction?
- And I'm scared. Because things actually are going well in my life right now! Why can't I allow myself to be happy?
Sorry for the bluuuueeaghahgh. I know many people are obsessed with their weight, and are on starvation diets / crash diets, but for me it leads to an ED. Don't know what to do, but I'm thinking that this whole N=1 has been an ultimate failure, because either this is a metabolic problem, or else I still haven't dealt with the psychological problem.
I just made a consultation appointment about fillers for my wrinkles...
Thanks, well, you've seen what I just wrote That site probably isn't too good for me right now. Too many skinny bodies that I feel butch in comparison to...
Originally Posted by CiKi90
It was eight years... basically started having them after a really, really stressful period in my life where I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. For a period of about three months I had them every single night. I thought I was going to lose it. At the time I genuinely thought that I was being attacked by some malevolent force, but now I think the nightmares were a symptom of post-traumatic stress, but not just from that period in my adult life: also from my childhood, because at that time I started remembering things I had repressed.
Originally Posted by ombat
Last edited by YogaBare; 07-22-2013 at 05:43 AM.
"I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.
In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."
- Ray Peat