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Thread: This is not a lobe song page 107

  1. #1061
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    I think as parents we can only do the best we can with the knowledge and skills we have. If we are open and honest people who are willing to learn, grow, and acknowledge when we screw up, then our children have less of a chance of having major issues to deal with. However I think all children have some issue(s) from their childhood that they need to work through as an adult.

    I had a horrible childhood. I was the family scapegoat and blamed for everything.

    When I had children I vowed not to do what was done to me. I succeeded for the most part. My ex also had a bad childhood. So, our children did not get to adulthood unscathed.

    I have had years of therapy. My children have also had that opportunity. I have repeatedly apologized for my part in their issues- something I wished my parents could have done.

    They know I have their best interest at heart. They can (and have) come to me and tell me anything.

    They have said recently that while they hated some of the rules they had to do as kids/teens-- be home for dinner most of the time, help clean, do yard work,etc.-- as adults they can now see the value.

    I also think children, as adults, have some responsibility for the relationship they have with their parents. While I know first hand how hard, or impossible, it is to discuss problems we have with our parents, they can not do better if they don't know there is a problem.

    Again, my first hand experience has taught me that speaking up may not change anything but it can be emotionally freeing.It also helps with being able to set and keep boundaries.

  2. #1062
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    Yoyo, I honestly believe that your experiences will help shape you into a great parent. My mom was treated poorly by her parents and often neglected. Like Marcadav, she vowed to be nothing like her mother and she kept her vow. She has been a pillar of strength for me and, knowing you, you will be the same for your children. You are too self aware and knowing to repeat your parents' mistakes.

  3. #1063
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    Quote Originally Posted by marcadav View Post
    I think as parents we can only do the best we can with the knowledge and skills we have. If we are open and honest people who are willing to learn, grow, and acknowledge when we screw up, then our children have less of a chance of having major issues to deal with. However I think all children have some issue(s) from their childhood that they need to work through as an adult.

    I had a horrible childhood. I was the family scapegoat and blamed for everything.

    When I had children I vowed not to do what was done to me. I succeeded for the most part. My ex also had a bad childhood. So, our children did not get to adulthood unscathed.

    I have had years of therapy. My children have also had that opportunity. I have repeatedly apologized for my part in their issues- something I wished my parents could have done.

    They know I have their best interest at heart. They can (and have) come to me and tell me anything.

    They have said recently that while they hated some of the rules they had to do as kids/teens-- be home for dinner most of the time, help clean, do yard work,etc.-- as adults they can now see the value.

    I also think children, as adults, have some responsibility for the relationship they have with their parents. While I know first hand how hard, or impossible, it is to discuss problems we have with our parents, they can not do better if they don't know there is a problem.

    Again, my first hand experience has taught me that speaking up may not change anything but it can be emotionally freeing.It also helps with being able to set and keep boundaries.
    Marcadav, thanks for your input - it's great to get a parent's perspective.

    I think the key with successful upbringing is fair, reasonable boundaries. Kids should know there's a line that can't be crossed, and parents should allow their kids a certain amount of autonomy. I think even household chores can be taken in their stride if the kids have a delegated time to do them: the annoying part is just being expected to do things at the whim of the parents.

    I totally agree that, once you get to a certain age, the relationship is two way. Initially kids are parasites on the parents, but hopefully by adulthood that evolves into symbiosis. Unfortunately it often doesn't, and parents then use what they've given the kids in the past as an excuse to be parasites back on them.

    Personal maturity is essential for any healthy relationship though, and it sounds like you have this. I've tried to talk to my mum countless times through the years, and its never worked. But then again, successful communication is often about timing. I could try talking to her when she's in a good mood...

    Quote Originally Posted by ombat View Post
    Yoyo, I honestly believe that your experiences will help shape you into a great parent. My mom was treated poorly by her parents and often neglected. Like Marcadav, she vowed to be nothing like her mother and she kept her vow. She has been a pillar of strength for me and, knowing you, you will be the same for your children. You are too self aware and knowing to repeat your parents' mistakes.
    Well, thank you We'll see what happens though... at this rate haven't kids doesn't appear to be an option anyway.
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

  4. #1064
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    In case anyone missed it on Ombat's journal, here's a pic from our real-life meet up



    Is that what I think it is...?



    Luckily we were in a sushi bar. Japanese people tend to have whacky senses of humour so they didn't even think we were odd...
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

  5. #1065
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    Lovely picture. Too bad I can't see your faces, but it's understandable. Lemme guess, you are in the red sweater? WTF, it must have been really chilly.

    Re. parenting. I've had similar experience with my mom, altho she has never hit me in the later teenage years of my childhood.
    I've always felt closer to my dad. Now me and my mom are pretty much estranged. The fact that I live some distance away also adds to it. You know how some women have that "friendship" with their moms, I've never had that and many times I've found myself missing out when I've wanted to share something very personal with someone.

    Now I have a boy of my own and don't plan on having more children, so there it is. No mother-daughter experience for me in the future either.

  6. #1066
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    Quote Originally Posted by Graycat View Post
    Lovely picture. Too bad I can't see your faces, but it's understandable. Lemme guess, you are in the red sweater? WTF, it must have been really chilly.

    Re. parenting. I've had similar experience with my mom, altho she has never hit me in the later teenage years of my childhood.
    I've always felt closer to my dad. Now me and my mom are pretty much estranged. The fact that I live some distance away also adds to it. You know how some women have that "friendship" with their moms, I've never had that and many times I've found myself missing out when I've wanted to share something very personal with someone.

    Now I have a boy of my own and don't plan on having more children, so there it is. No mother-daughter experience for me in the future either.
    lol, no I'm actually in the jean jacket! (Well, it's actually a dress ) Yeah, SF is chilly, man! There be wind a-blowin'.

    You're probably nothing like your mum, and more like your dad? I'm not really like either of them, but my dad is more relaxed, patient, and interesting to talk to, so we have a more natural relationship.

    I think women who have that friendship with their mothers are probably quite like them in interests and outlook. Personally I have nothing in common with my mum. The only times we really get on are when we're talking about food, health.... umm.! It's hard to be friends with people who are completely unlike you... Do you have siblings that you get on with?

    Not to worry - the mother-son relationship is special too! How you guys relate to each other will impact the kind of women he's drawn to.
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

  7. #1067
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    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post
    lol, no I'm actually in the jean jacket! (Well, it's actually a dress )
    Haha, so I failed there. Well, this will come out wrong anyway I say it so might as well. You both look hot.

    You're probably nothing like your mum, and more like your dad? I'm not really like either of them, but my dad is more relaxed, patient, and interesting to talk to, so we have a more natural relationship
    Yes kinda, sorta the same situation. My mom is smart but more so in a practical way. I could never talk with her on many subjects that interest me. I think I have inherited my natural inquisitiveness (is that even a word?) from my father. He is also the more intelligent of the two.

    Do you have siblings that you get on with?
    I have a younger sister. I dunno, sometimes I think it's me not them, but I have very, very hard time relating to people and communicating and interacting. Finding common ground and common interests. I think I feel most comfortable when I'm by myself.

  8. #1068
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    Quote Originally Posted by Graycat View Post
    Haha, so I failed there. Well, this will come out wrong anyway I say it so might as well. You both look hot.
    especially without the heads Thank you

    Yes kinda, sorta the same situation. My mom is smart but more so in a practical way. I could never talk with her on many subjects that interest me. I think I have inherited my natural inquisitiveness (is that even a word?) from my father. He is also the more intelligent of the two.
    Yeah, my dad is the funny, intelligent, open-minded one. My mum is the beautiful one who takes everything seriously and turns anything into an argument. Funny how that dichotomy exists so often in relationships.

    I have a younger sister. I dunno, sometimes I think it's me not them, but I have very, very hard time relating to people and communicating and interacting. Finding common ground and common interests. I think I feel most comfortable when I'm by myself.
    Well, I hear you. I get like that too. Is it shyness / anxiety in your case, or is it specific to the people that you're with? When I'm surrounded by people who are using a lot of words to say nothing at all (talking about clothes, drinking stories, or other people) it makes me want to scream! But I really pursue my interests, so I tend to meet people I can relate to quite frequently.
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

  9. #1069
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    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post
    In case anyone missed it on Ombat's journal, here's a pic from our real-life meet up



    Is that what I think it is...?



    Luckily we were in a sushi bar. Japanese people tend to have whacky senses of humour so they didn't even think we were odd...
    Y'all are too cute!

  10. #1070
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    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post
    I think women who have that friendship with their mothers are probably quite like them in interests and outlook.
    It's too bad when parents and children are nothing alike - it makes parenting a lot more difficult. My mom and I are similar in many ways - especially in how we approach bigger issues - and we are extremely close. We talk to each other almost daily either on the phone or through email or chat. But there is a fuzzy line between parent and friend and it's easy to mix up and confuse. My mom is a worryer by nature and I often feel like she's overstepping her bounds in terms of keeping tabs on me. For instance, we got into an argument a few months ago when I was going to take an all-day hike with a handful of friends. She wanted one of their numbers in case something happened or whatnot. It caught me off guard and reminded me of my years leading up to leaving for university when I would have to call her almost every hour that I was away from her else she'd freak out and believe me to be abducted / murdered / raped (hopefully in that order). I ended up getting unnecessarily short with her and she reminded me that "this is just what mothers do." But I digress...

    She and my sister have less in common / more superficial things in common (they both like sports, watch the same shows, etc.) and are still very close but not as much as we are. She'd rather spend extended amounts of time with me than my sister, we have much more meaningful conversations than she does with my sister, etc.

    Quote Originally Posted by Graycat View Post
    Haha, so I failed there. Well, this will come out wrong anyway I say it so might as well. You both look hot.
    I look much hotter without my face. I know T_T

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