Better living through primal
Hello fellow MDA journalers,
I have posted a bit before but now I think I really need a place to write things down and work them out. I am in a binge and purge hell right now, and have been here for 3 days. It is horrible and I feel so low about it. For the last month or so things had been going really well, I was losing weight and feeling fantastic. I was eating primally and in reasonable amounts. Then I fell off the wagon on Monday and still feel like I am reeling.
I have some big anxieties in my life right now. I am getting married in less than 2 months. I am graduating from school in 4 months and will be starting residency in mid-June. I will be starting to pay back student loans at that time. I want to get back in kick-ass shape. I want to have a better social life and be less awkward. I want to present myself better (hair, makeup, clothes, etc). I want to have a great career and marriage. I need to manage and improve how I treat food. I want to make a positive difference in the world. I want to learn more about healthcare policy. I want to become fluent in Spanish. I want to start swimming, yoga, lifting. I want to meditate. I want self-confidence and self-respect.
So there are so many things I want to do. I want instant gratification and I want to do all of these things at the same time. But the smart, proven way to change is to start small and slow. That way the change will stick. So, as much as that process goes against what I WANT to do, I know it is what I NEED to do, and what will actually work.
A little background--I am 25, female. In school right now, almost done. Engaged to a wonderful guy. He is brilliant and organized and successful in his career. Makes me want to be a better person in the worst way. He challenges me and I need to be challenged. Most of the time I don't know what he sees in me, though. I am very hard on myself and want to be an amazing wife and doctor. Pretty perfectionistic. With a long history of issues with food. That has got to change. I self-sabotage and make myself miserable with food, I think, in the hopes of controlling the other aspects of my life. For example, if I abuse food, then my school will go well, my fiance will still want to be with me, etc. But that's a sick way to live. I need to control my food so that I will be healthy and happy.
I know primal is 100% the right way for me to live and eat. I feel so great with I stick with it. Like I said earlier, for the past month things have been going well and I was pumped. Time to get back on that wagon.
Please, ANY feedback or advice is most welcome. Thank you in advance!
In the spirit of starting out small, with baby steps, I am going to attempt 3 goals at a time.
-100% primal eating with lots of cooking. I know I can do this, I was doing great with this just last week.
-Nerd fitness body weight workout daily, with stretching afterwards.
-5 minutes meditation in the morning.
I am going to work on these three goals for the next week, as well as write in here.
I was reading online yesterday about reasons food is abused. Stress, anxiety, fear, boredom, etc. Every example resonated with me. I realized, in a "well, duh" moment, that I need to think of things I can do instead of eat. I thought of a few: drink tea, go for a walk, call someone, paint my nails, stretch.
In addition, I was reading about the need to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. This really made sense to me. I have gotten so used to not challenging myself, and it is killing me. From my physical inactivity to my terrible diet, I am killing myself. I have got to start making myself uncomfortable. And be aware of the discomfort, and savor the discomfort. That pushing of my limits will result in growth and maturity, and really living my life.
So many things that inspire me. I need to not be afraid of going for what I want, and for what I know will make me feel fulfilled.
Welcome back Crunchyleaves.
You do realise that to be 100% primal means making allowance for up to 20% non primal?
What I'm trying to say is, please be more gentle on yourself. None of us will ever be perfect this side of eternity, but that's OK. You are a fabulously gifted person with wonderful ideals. Please don't let your frustrations with your own shortcomings (as you see them) rob you of the enjoyment and love that life holds for you.
Embrace life, yes, and may you learn to accept all the good along with the not so good.
Thank you Annie, I needed to hear that. I get so carried away/caught up with myself sometimes. Doesn't make anything better.
Today I was able to meditate first thing, had some tea. Ate 2 hard boiled eggs. I weighed myself and I have some serious water weight going on. Weight was 149.4. I know I will improve from here, and feel so much better.
I will do body weight exercises tonight, as well as stretch.
I am currently on an away rotation for school. One more week here and then I will be home! Living in a hotel is not so awesome and I can't wait to get home. I miss my roommate too. We have kept each other sane throughout the stresses of school. I am thinking of taking some yoga classes when I get back, too, just as an introduction. I have never taken a class before and am pretty nervous but excited about it. Also I will get back to volunteer dog walking. I live close to an awesome pet shop. They have shelter pets up for adoption and people volunteer to take the dogs out. I love it. I can't have pets in my current apartment, so this is the next best thing. When I move in a couple months I am for sure going to adopt 2 cats and I can't wait!!!
The weather is supposed to be pretty crappy here later on today, always fun. Luckily I haven't had to deal with any scary driving or anything up to this point this winter.
Friday! I will have to go in this weekend but I'm hoping it isn't too crazy.
Ate better yesterday. Didn't have many groceries so I ended up eating so many eggs, with a little summer sausage. I'm going to the store tonight for veggies, avocado, and ground beef.
Weight today was 146.3. Some improvement.
I am still trying to change how I think about saying this way--making it a whole new lifestyle and not just a diet. Last night I was feeling pretty meh about myself and managed to not go out and eat crap. I was more aware than usual of my thoughts about food. But then I thought of other things to do that did not involve eating. I am taking that as a win for myself. I need to build some momentum from here and take excellent care of myself.
Blah. So anxious today. I am fighting the urge to eat a bunch of crappy food. So far I have been successful, although I have eaten a bunch of food. I am trying so hard to re train myself and deal with stress in ways that don't involve eating, even if the food is healthy.
I ate a bunch of food at whole foods from the hot/salad bars: tilapia in tomato/artichoke sauce, tuna salad (not too primal), roasted tomato, roasted green beans, roasted carrots, hard boiled eggs, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds. Then had a bunch of shrimp (random), a bag of mixed nuts, and a diet root beer (sooooo not primal, ugh).
Was looking longingly at all sorts of sweet treats/junk/poison at the store. Was thisclose to saying fuck it. I have delicious looking sausage, eggs, and avocado to eat instead.
So frustrated. But hopefully at least I can have the satisfaction of not giving into my bad habits. Ugh. There is literally no reason why I should be feeling so low. I know that if I keep on fighting, that I will be so much better off. Isn't the first step supposed to be the hardest? Let's freaking hope so..
Ok so your root beer was not primal. But everything else was pretty close (and sounds delicious - I hope you enjoyed it). So, good for you, at least an 80% primal day.
Be patient. I believe as you learn to love the good primal food, your urge to eat the rubbish will diminish so that it won't even feel like a fight any more.