I have started and re-started this journal at least two dozen times. Everything I write sounds awkward and pretentious and silly. :P I've been lurking and kind of posting on these forums for, hmm, something like a year now? Of all the fitness forums I have tried, this is the one I return to, time and again, and feel pretty good about.

I keep trying to talk about myself and tell the story of why I am the way I am (fat and awkward) and why I have the problems I do (binging and emotional unavailability) but it just gets too cumbersome and no one wants to read all that and ultimately it does not matter.

What matters is now, and what I do going forward. I struggle, terribly, with binging. With being unable to resist toxic "foods" when they are in front of me. With self hate for said binging. Last year I lost some 50 pounds through eating primal, with an emphasis on ketosis and low carb. This was huge for me. For the first time in my adult life, I was under 300 pounds.

But I was also dangerously obsessed. I have an obsessive personality and I can get very mired down in the numbers and rules of things. Ultimately it was not sustainable. I get very stressed out by thinking about macros and not meeting them, or overshooting them. I also become obsessed with things like grass fed versus conventional, how this all fits in my limited budget, suddenly hating my food, and other ridiculous neurotic crap.

I keep telling myself it is OK to eat conventional meat and vegetables if when pastured and organic is too costly. But instead I blow tons of money shopping at whole foods or lazy acres or sprouts, and sometimes I don't even eat all the food! I am caught between shopping once a week and food going bad or getting boring, and the inability to shop every other day due to a very busy schedule and not having fresh food available means I succumb to fast food.

So I have poor money management skills, terrible binging habits, and weird habits revolving around cooking, eating, and food in general.

I also absolutely loathe physical activity. I like video games, books, movies, cuddling, sunbathing. Never in my life have I chosen a physical activity over a sedate one. I am cat-like, or perhaps even sloth-like.

Right now my big emotional struggle is whether or not it is okay for me to go back to eating mashed potatos with dinner because I miss them so freaking bad. Shockingly I do not miss bread, or pasta, or rice, or chow mein. I miss plain ol mashed potatoes but I keep banning myself from eating potatoes because OH GOD THE CARBS and I know low carb is the only way I lose weight.

But I am so freaking unhappy. I am struggling so freaking much. I really need help. :*(

Height: 5'9"
Age: 29
Gender: F

SW Jan 2012: 347
LW October 2012: 287
GW: 180
CW: 306