Any gentle/attached parents around? Need advice? page 9

[Tribal Rob]

how do you handle the fact that in your home, there is no reward pursuit or punishment fear, but at school, "he has to follow the rules?" Has he asked about this at all? I am very interested in emergent awareness of subtle threats and such especially from the perspective of someone without such influence at home.

I've not had chance to read the whole thread yet, but will if I get time. To answer this point - this one of the HUGE reasons we don't send the kids to school, it would be so difficult for our 4 year old, who is a 'free spirit' to deal with the rules of school, it would break her or the teacher in short order. She can't comprend the need for strict rules in classroom setting, they don't have the ability to see others needs at this young age so we feel it's unfair to force her into an environment she can't understand.

[Ayla2010]

My son does the right thing at home, because he wants to, not due to fear or expecting a reward.
At school, he thinks its a bit of fun to have a bumble bee on a chart they move forward for particular things, when they reach the end they get time on the ipad. He gets some time on it today.
The teachers didn't seem to think it was a problem or would confuse him. Home is different, and it should have a fairly large impact on how he reacts to rewards and punishments at school. Its not over the top on rewards.
He knows school is different, and they have their rules there, just as we have boundaries at home.
At school they consider wrestling not a safe game, and have to protect everyone. At home if he was to play with his brother like that, and his brother was happy to do so, I wouldn't intervene.
Another rule at school is no hat no play (unless under a covered area). We think vitamin D is important, so when with us, or before school he knows its OK not to wear his hat so he can get vitamin D. He has not asked why school is different, and he has been doing pretty well doing what the teacher asks.
I think for the wrestling and being warned 3 times for it, is because one of the other boys is the ring leader, and encourages it. So I can only remind my son about the school rules and the next stage in discipline if it continues. But the teacher is keeping an eye on the 3 of them. If there is one child who is continuing to encourage this behaviour, then I will pursue it, as I imagine the parents will be dealing with it differently to me.
I do believe home, and the rest of the world can be kept separate. School has rules that get warnings if broken, then punishment. Home we have boundaries, and if those aren't met the results aren't a punishment but natural consequences.
For example if he was busy doing something, and I went and asked him to get ready as we were leaving for school soon, and he continually kept playing and not getting ready to leave. I would remind him that he will not have enough time to play at the park, and that he may be disappointed if we run out of time. And yes if he didn't want to get ready but keep playing, then fine, he chose to miss the park. But that would be my last warning, as I will not let him get to school late, and I am driving, so after that I would say we are going.

Maybe not the best example, but its something I could think of right now. I don't have a real example right now.

[Mr.Perfidy]

Mussolini said that kids should not be in school and away from their mothers until they were at least 8. lol makes these contemporaries look like fascists...

[Ayla2010]

I've not had chance to read the whole thread yet, but will if I get time. To answer this point - this one of the HUGE reasons we don't send the kids to school, it would be so difficult for our 4 year old, who is a 'free spirit' to deal with the rules of school, it would break her or the teacher in short order. She can't comprend the need for strict rules in classroom setting, they don't have the ability to see others needs at this young age so we feel it's unfair to force her into an environment she can't understand.

This is why I liked Steiner, their rules were not crazy and they did not use reward systems. He went to pre-school there, but it was too far to go every day, and very expensive, and id have two there eventually. So I had to choose the next best school.
But homeschooling is at the back of my mind, if i could find more groups.
He did not go to pre-school last year, but I think was quite bored, as we didn't hang out with enough other kids. He is very social and outgoing.

[Ayla2010]

Mussolini said that kids should not be in school and away from their mothers until they were at least 8. lol makes these contemporaries look like fascists...

That makes more sense.
Here you must start school by 6 unless homeschooling of course.

[Mr.Perfidy]

Ayla your response raises an interesting question...

what happens when he says, "But I don't want to go to school."

[Ayla2010]

Then we don't go. I will not force that.
But I will talk through with him, what is making him not want to go, and I can guarantee there will be something he needs or is worried about and we can work through that and come up with a solution. And if it was something we couldn't resolve then I guess we would stay home. If he gets sick, he would not be going though, he knows that is not negotiable. I am not one of those parents who lets her sick child make others sick.
But my son loves school and the chances of him not wanting to go are unlikely, we never had a day like that when he went to preschool.

Satisfied? Time to get to school now anyway.

[Mr.Perfidy]

haha I don't want your kid to get beat and shit, don't say, "satisfied?!" like I was hoping you'd say, "Well then I'll swat his ass!"

I kinda don't believe you though and am confident that australia sucks on par'ish with america regarding the State's assumed ownership of everyone's children. If that isn't true, awesome, but I don't think the Anglo-sphere has any kind of family reliance kind of attitudes left in its law.

[Ayla2010]

Why would I lie?
Seriously what are you getting out of this?
What do you want from me?
All I wanted was advice for a rare issue we don't have problems often I don't care if you believe that of not.
I am just a mum trying to do the best for my family without giving them issues for
a nasty upbringing like I had.

[Ayla2010]

I do not own my children. I am there to guide them not control them.