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Thread: Any gentle/attached parents around? Need advice? page 5

  1. #41
    Leida's Avatar
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    FWIW, my daughter went through the 'addicted to the TV' period, when she watched the Little Mermaid for a few hours in a row (she was 4; now she is 6). We kept offering other entertainment options, and now she is much more into games, books, crafts etc and doesn't watch TV unless it's the TV night. We do not have cable TV, so we do either Netflix or DVDs, which has a beginning and end point. So, in case of the TV, you are on the right track, and it will be a distant memory once other cooler things to do are there and he can do it well. We still have regular tears over checkers because she still can't win. But games that are left more to the chance (go fishing, dominoes, snakes and ladders etc) are always a hit. And now that she can read herself, it's a big boon. Well, unless she is reading mom's novel. Lol.

    Hitting, luckily we did not have it since age 3, so I can't give any age-appropriate advice.
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  2. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by magicmerl View Post
    She's not saying she wants no advice. She's saying she doesn't want to have an arguement with people who disagree with her approach.

    Those are two quite different things.
    If you read her literally, she's saying she not interested in any advice from people who follow different practices, regardless of what that advice would be.

    As in, if you had raised your kids in a Gentle/Attached Parenting way, and thought it was awful and caused your kids to become Catholic priests or something, you could argue with her all you wanted and she would be interested. If, on the other hand, you raised your kids using Tough Luck Parenting, but thought in hindsight that Gentle/Attached Parenting would've been great, she's not interested.

  3. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by Him View Post
    If you read her literally, she's saying she not interested in any advice from people who follow different practices, regardless of what that advice would be.

    As in, if you had raised your kids in a Gentle/Attached Parenting way, and thought it was awful and caused your kids to become Catholic priests or something, you could argue with her all you wanted and she would be interested. If, on the other hand, you raised your kids using Tough Luck Parenting, but thought in hindsight that Gentle/Attached Parenting would've been great, she's not interested.
    That wasn't what I got from her replies at all...
    What I got was that any sort of gentle advice was welcome... just no "spank them" type advice because that's not going to happen and that is not how she is going to parent her children.
    Which is just an honest boundary for her to be setting out really.
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  4. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by cori93437 View Post
    That wasn't what I got from her replies at all...
    I'm just going by this, "Oh and other people can parent how they want but I was after advice from those who parent the same way not interested in other advice"

    It doesn't say what type of advice she wanted (as in, argument would be fine), but it does say she "just" wants advice from those who follow the same school.

  5. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by Him View Post
    I'm just going by this, "Oh and other people can parent how they want but I was after advice from those who parent the same way not interested in other advice"

    It doesn't say what type of advice she wanted (as in, argument would be fine), but it does say she "just" wants advice from those who follow the same school.
    In all fairness the title of the thread does ask specifically for advice from other gentle/attachment parents... that pretty much sets up the conversation from the start, doesn't it?

    Her responses throughout the thread are just to reiterate that point.
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  6. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by cori93437 View Post
    In all fairness the title of the thread does ask specifically for advice from other gentle/attachment parents... that pretty much sets up the conversation from the start, doesn't it?
    Exactly. So why re-characterize it in some other way?

  7. #47
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    Hey, Ayla2010, I feel for you. It's heartbreaking to see your little one having a hard time. What is your son like in general? I ask because even thought my son was in daycare from 3 months, it was a very warm family environment until two and then a small, progressive preschool from 2-4. Even with all that "socialization", he was ill-prepared for public kindergarten. It wasn't really a bad public school, just more diverse behavior-wise than he was accustomed to. He was small, kind of pretty and very sweet-natured. I think he figured out very quickly that a more macho style was going to present more effectively. We had some issues with aggression and gravitating towards "bad" boys. I don't know if his 1st grade class was better or if he had a better handle on managing the boys, but things got much better that year. He was a model child until 16 and then it was a "bad" girl, lol. But at 21 he seems to be finding his way again. You have a lot of exciting years ahead of you!

    I can understand your reluctance to take away TV as a "punishment". Punishment should be the last resort of a parent who can't be more clever, IMO. Do you think he grasps the whole TV is pretend thing? That people watch things that are exciting, scary or naughty, even though they would never do what they see? If he gets that, you could frame it as TV is too much for you tonight if you couldn't be angry in your head and still control your behavior today.

    I guess I was lucky that the Simpsons was only on at 9pm when my son was little. I think that show is brilliant. I probably would have let him watch it because we never restricted TV at all. But if you think about Homer/Bart vs. Marge/Lisa, an overwhelming message in almost every show is that boys/men are stupid and can't be trusted to manage anything. I would be nervous about a steady diet of the Simpsons for any little boy. On the other hand, I know a lot of people think SpongeBob is a really stupid show and I loved that my son loved him. He is a devoted caretaker of his pet snail, Gary. He is a devoted and patient friend to the apparently mentally challenged, Patrick. He is a patient and affectionate neighbor to that pissy bitch, Squidward. And he's a reliable and respectful employee to the impossible Mr. Crabs. I love me some SpongeBob! My husband loves TV in general, so my kids are surely ruined!
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  8. #48
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    Why does "action and consequence" have to equal "reward and punishment"?

    A consequence is not a punishment if you declare it up front and give them the opportunity to do the right thing and avoid the consequence. You explain, tell, model, guide them in what behaviors are acceptable, and let them know *firmly* what the consequence will be if they do or don't behave appropriately. And then you follow through.

    For gods sake, follow through. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to scream "just get to 3 already! I want to see that spanking you promised!"

    There's a mom at school with 4 kids under 6 who hollered across the playground "quit dragging your sister around by the hair or your getting a spanking!!!" Then turned to the circle of moms and said, "Oh I wouldn't really spank them. They don't even know what it means." 1. No relevant consequence. 2. No intention of follow through. Tell me how that teaches them appropriate behavior.
    Last edited by Sandra in BC; 02-11-2013 at 05:34 PM.
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  9. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by cori93437 View Post
    That wasn't what I got from her replies at all...
    What I got was that any sort of gentle advice was welcome... just no "spank them" type advice because that's not going to happen and that is not how she is going to parent her children.
    Which is just an honest boundary for her to be setting out really.
    Yes this.
    This is something new we are dealing with, its the second week of school. I know emotions may be high all over the place for all of them.
    I am just letting people know I don't want advice to punish. People who follow this method (I only named it so people would know what I meant, I don't normally call it anything). It has worked for us so far, and yes of course if it stops working I will re-think things. I still have not spoken to the teacher as she was late this morning, AGAIN!, so I will do it this afternoon.
    Children of this age are still learning their emotions. If he is hitting, its not to be malicious.

    Quote Originally Posted by NZ primal Gwamma View Post
    okay - so Gwamma is doing some thinking................IMO
    it is possibly irrelevent as to what disciplining methods a Parent uses (smacking, gentle etc... ) to teach our children about cause and effect, about actions and consequences. But it is our role as the Parent to pass on that actions have consequences and some of them are worse than others.
    These teaching have to be age appropriate.
    No point is saying to a new born baby - if you run across the road you might end up looking like that road kill.
    However a three year old child will understand that this could be a consequence of this action. ( if you stop and show him the roadkill)
    A new born baby learns that if it is hungry it cries - the consequence being it will be fed.
    Older children know that if you kill somebody and get caught - you will probably end up in jail.
    So as a parent we need to be able to pass on this wisdom without the child losing that ability to learn by its own mistakes.
    And we need to keep it age appropriate simple.
    What works for one family doesn't neccessarily work for another. What works for one child doesn't neccessarily work for another

    ..............sorry just the musing of an old Gwamma..............
    Yes thats right G. It has worked for us so far, and I will change if I need to. This is a new issue and we are working through it. If I need another approach then I will look into it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sandra in BC View Post
    Got to be careful going there...I know a lot of parents who call themselves 'attachment' parents who are doing nothing of the sort.

    And as attached as I am to my kids, I wouldn't align myself with any parenting label, because no matter how closely you follow it, you'll only be noticed for the exceptions.

    There are lots of effective and loving parents here who don't call themselves 'attachment' that might have some good advice to offer.
    I only labelled it this, so I didnt get smacking advice or anything like that, thats all.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mud Flinger View Post
    I think what some people are trying to tell you is that the way you parent may be part if the problem. Saying that you want no other advice is like saying you want no advice. Please be open minded when reading the inputs here as there may be something that may work better for your kids.

    *edit: And I don't mean beating them!
    No, I don't believe it is part of the problem. The problem I have right now is not knowing the full story, due to the teacher just saying there was incidences. She hasn't actually said he hit another kid specifically, but she said the group of them were warned about keeping hands to themselves. So I guess I have actually assumed. I will know more this afternoon.

    Quote Originally Posted by magicmerl View Post
    She's not saying she wants no advice. She's saying she doesn't want to have an arguement with people who disagree with her approach.

    Those are two quite different things.
    Yes this. I am not interested in fighting. I am worn out about things the last few days, my diabetes diagnoses, and the school, and just the stress of being away from my son all day. I just wanted people who do things similar to me, to give me ideas I might have missed. Look for all I know my son is telling the truth and he is being annoyed. But I will find out later.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr.Perfidy View Post
    So to recap for anyone not interested in reading 5 pages...

    the woman's kid is accused by his teacher of hitting other kids. The kid denies this except for one particular child that hits him first? Is that correct?
    Informing the situation is that the poster's child in question hits his own brother around the house when he is angered.

    lol what if the teacher is just maliciously lying, and continues to do so even after you express your anger with words?

    I imagine that you will pursue some form of violence against them (lawsuit, criminal prosecution, etc)
    What are you on about?

  10. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sandra in BC View Post
    Why does "action and consequence" have to equal "reward and punishment"?

    A consequence is not a punishment if you declare it up front and give them the opportunity to do the right thing and avoid the consequence. You explain, tell, model, guide them in what behaviors are acceptable, and let them know *firmly* what the consequence will be if they do or don't behave appropriately. And then you follow through.

    For gods sake, follow through. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to scream "just get to 3 already! I want to see that spanking you promised!"

    There's a mom at school with 4 kids under 6 who hollered across the playground "quit dragging your sister around by the hair or your getting a spanking!!!" Then turned to the circle of moms and said, "Oh I wouldn't really spank them. They don't even know what it means." 1. No relevant consequence. 2. No intention of follow through. Tell me how that teaches them appropriate behavior.
    Yes this is what we do. We have always explained its not OK to hit ANYONE, if they do something to make you angry, you tell them what they are doing, and ask them to stop. If they hit you, its not OK to hit back. He needs to tell the teacher.

    I have found out from another mum today, that during lunch they are not under 100% supervision, there are teachers on duty, but they are allowed to play with the entire school, (up to year 6). So if things happen its likely to not be seen.

    If they keep doing something that they shouldn't be, then it requires distraction, usually when my oldest is really continually hurting his brother, its because his brother has taken something from him (he is 2.5 and doesn't understand sharing quite yet). So then we will talk about if there is something he doesn't want to share, then its OK, but we need to keep it away. At this age they are trying to learn their emotions, as it can be over whelming. Its not every day we have this happen, but it does happen occasionally, and is getting less frequent. There is always some emotion attached to it.
    Often its as simple as my oldest needing one on one time with me. Or even being hungry or tired. There is always a reason for "misbehaviour", its not just because they are "bad". Its up to me to work out what it is he needs and help him express that.

    Yes that is not going to work what that mother is doing, but I don't do that anyway.

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