Any gentle/attached parents around? Need advice? page 2

[Ayla2010]

Yeah I guess, thank you for that.
I do have a bunch of books I read when he was smaller, so time to read them again now.
At least I got all the questions out of my head and on to paper, so I won't leave anything out.

[meeshar]

I feel you, my almost 5yo has been getting into trouble at school and making up stories about what really happened. She's experimenting, this is the first time she's been away from us for extended periods of time (no daycare, just some morning out/gym childcare) and the idea that she has some control over what we know went on during the day is intoxicating. I'm not sure if this would work for you, but one thing that almost always works for us is just to threaten to ask the teacher what happened - no actual asking required. When she's had a bad behavior day we talk about it in the car in the parking lot at school, and if she starts sounding fantastical or accusing other kids, I tell her that if her teacher tells me she's lying, she will be grounded, and start to get back out of the car. 9 times out of 10 this works--she confesses immediately. I hate to constantly question her truthfulness, but to be honest this age is all about storytelling and testing limits. I don't punish her when she tells the truth, but I do make sure that she realizes it was wrong to lie--for example she got in trouble for pulling a boy's hair and tried to claim that he hit her and hurt her. The story kept getting more and more dramatic (red flag!) until I pulled the "ask the teacher" card, and she confessed that he hadn't done anything. At that point, I told her that hitting and hurting other kids can get them suspended or expelled from school, and that her lying could have gotten that kid in BIG trouble. She is doing much better now, but the troublemaking, testing, and tall tale spinning did last about a month before she finally decided that it wasn't worth it anymore.

[PrimalWannabeGirl]

I'm not a teacher, and my kids are 21 and 22, but I practiced attachment parenting with both my sons.

Here's my .02 cents for what it is worth.

Kids at this age are venturing out into the wider world than the one of immediate family. Especially if they haven't gone to preschool or had a lot of socialization, these are brand-new challenges for them. It's our job as parents to TEACH THEM WHAT THEY NEED TO KNOW in order to thrive in that wider world.

Kids of that age need to understand clearly what is expected of them, what the rewards for good behavior are, and what the consequences for inappropriate behavior. They need it told to them simply, clearly, and with consistency.

We "gentle" parents sometimes err on the side of not being firm enough and consistent enough about limits, and we do our children a disservice when we aren't strong enough to be appropriately firm. If we are doing a lot of talking and delving and explaining, our kids sometimes get lost in all the verbiage.

So my suggestion is to keep it very simple. Work with your child's teacher to simply extinquish the inappropriate behaviors. See if she'll agree to let you know very simply each day if your child had a hitting incident. Say clearly and simply to your child that hitting is not allowed, and that any day that there is no hitting, your child will earn a treat, say a half-hour of playtime with you, or an extra bedtime story. Any day that has a hitting report, no TV at all. Soon your child will learn that his actions have consequences. Keep it simple----no elaborate explanations. Just that you are helping him to remember and learn what is expected of him.

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY for setting firm limits. Firm limits are kind. Children need them. "Talking problems out" often is not sufficient to teach, they need to learn that actions have consequences. Don't be afraid to be a firm parent. Your child will feel safer, and learn self-control. Good luck!

Pea

[Primal123]

Well, it is possible the other kids are hitting your son and he is retaliating in kind. Perhaps, suggest to him that he tell the teacher when the other kids hit him. It's possible that the teacher has gotten the idea that your son is the aggressor when in fact he is not. I have seen this happen in the past with kids I have worked with. If the initial impression by the teacher was negative it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. I agree with canio for a scheduled appointment. Good luck. Attachment parenting and gentle discipline definitely does not end in toddlerhood. We can teach without becoming "the enforcer."

[Mr.Perfidy]

We try to talk through everything, we don't use punishments or rewards. But we do have boundaries, and he knows them. But hitting is one thing we are having a problem with. Hitting his brother when he does something to make him angry. We do talk about how you need to express anger with words, and we model that, we don't hit our children. We empathise with him about his frustration, and clarify what it is he needs.

there isn't like a mean uncle figure to just smack him in the face once when this happens?

I do not understand the theory behind not hitting children- daily and shit, for the hell of it, I understand why this is bad, but where in nature do you not see hurt and aggression as a means of instruction? If he doesn't learn now, he is going to be trying to talk out a problem with a knife-wielding subhuman with no critical thought, empathy, or language skills.

Obviously "modelling" non-aggression isn't working if he is hitting his brother when he is displeased. Sounds like he just needs to learn that violence is not some abstract and confusing mommy-speak concept, but rather, an actual stinging blow on his fat spoiled cheek.

[Mud Flinger]

Can you volunteer in his classroom? I have always found teachers to be super helpful when they know that you are on their side. They will tell you both the good and bad things and may give your kid the benefit of the doubt just because you have been there with them. Plus your kid sees how much you value education. Offer to help at recess time, lunch time or in the class room. Come early or stay after to help clean the room or get supplies ready. Until you see it for yourself, you may just be guessing.

[canio6]

Obviously "modelling" non-aggression isn't working if he is hitting his brother when he is displeased. Sounds like he just needs to learn that violence is not some abstract and confusing mommy-speak concept, but rather, an actual stinging blow on his fat spoiled cheek.

It took longer for this to come up than expected. That said, I figure this will go over as well as suggesting a vegan eat meat or a member of the NOW vote for Santorum. This should have more carnage than Shark Week.

[Mr.Perfidy]

LOL

[cori93437]

It took longer for this to come up than expected. That said, I figure this will go over as well as suggesting a vegan eat meat or a member of the NOW vote for Santorum. This should have more carnage than Shark Week.

Nah.
I just figure he's kind of mentally deficient.
I've read some of his other posts.
Seriously not playing with a full deck... in a way that is sad at the very least.

[Mr.Perfidy]

By that do you mean that my assertion is incorrect, and that in the world of nature, hurt is not the foundation of all curriculums? You should read more Jack London.

I don't mean like, "Hey- radically alter and abolish your entire philosophy of child-rearing." One smack once, so that he understands with parts of his brain deeper than the feeble reasoning one what exactly violence is and that it entails more than mommy's displeasure.