Any gentle/attached parents around? Need advice? page 11

[Zanna]

I'm curious how kids reared in completely non-punitive environments will respond when they are in their teens and navigating scenarios their parents can't control, like getting a job, dating, moving to secondary education, trying out for sports or maybe the arts. Situations like that certainly aren't non-punitive and they often aren't even fair. Things and people that hurt you are based on anything but what they might think as logical reasoning. How do you teach your kids to respond to 'real world' scenarios?

[drssgchic]

I'm curious how kids reared in completely non-punitive environments will respond when they are in their teens and navigating scenarios their parents can't control, like getting a job, dating, moving to secondary education, trying out for sports or maybe the arts. Situations like that certainly aren't non-punitive and they often aren't even fair. Things and people that hurt you are based on anything but what they might think as logical reasoning. How do you teach your kids to respond to 'real world' scenarios?

I was wondering about that, too. As much as I don't like how most schooling is set up, it DOES teach one that the world is not fair- and that's a valuable lesson.

[magicmerl]

I'm curious how kids reared in completely non-punitive environments will respond when they are in their teens and navigating scenarios their parents can't control, like getting a job, dating, moving to secondary education, trying out for sports or maybe the arts. Situations like that certainly aren't non-punitive and they often aren't even fair. Things and people that hurt you are based on anything but what they might think as logical reasoning. How do you teach your kids to respond to 'real world' scenarios?

Learning that life isn't fair and working our how we are going to respond to it is one of the key things that we learn growing up, whether raised in a 'non-punitive environment' or not.

Life isn't fair. So what?

[drssgchic]

Maybe "life isn't fair" wasn't quite the right wording. Life- read, 90% of the world as it is now- is punitive.

[cori93437]

I was wondering about that, too. As much as I don't like how most schooling is set up, it DOES teach one that the world is not fair- and that's a valuable lesson.

Many children raised in the most CW ways, including spanking, don't handle the whole "life ain't fair" bit very well at all... mostly because of inconsistent and permissive parenting.

Just because parenting is not CW that does not mean that a child will not be able to understand how the world works.

[Ayla2010]

I'm curious how kids reared in completely non-punitive environments will respond when they are in their teens and navigating scenarios their parents can't control, like getting a job, dating, moving to secondary education, trying out for sports or maybe the arts. Situations like that certainly aren't non-punitive and they often aren't even fair. Things and people that hurt you are based on anything but what they might think as logical reasoning. How do you teach your kids to respond to 'real world' scenarios?

Real life things like that have to be experienced and they learn from that.
It's up to us to let them know all the possible things that could happen and let them make their own choices.
I knew nothing as I was only told no all the time and I needed to try all these "forbidden" things to see what the big deal was.
You know like safe sex including how women's cycles work, or the dangers of smoking.
No matter how you are raised you have to experience things that are part of life.

[magicmerl]

Maybe "life isn't fair" wasn't quite the right wording. Life- read, 90% of the world as it is now- is punitive.

It really really isn't.

I go to work, where I am a software developer. If my workplace was 'punitive' or 'competitive' then I would seek out a better one.

Being a competitive dick is a far less successful strategy than being a cooperative relational networker in real life.

It's just that schooling and sports are built around a competitive model. Which is totally irrelevant to most people in their real lives.

[drssgchic]

All good points. Thanks.

[Ayla2010]

Him,

Yes, DS is more likely to "behave" with me because of calm, clear boundaries. DH tends to be less so -- partly due to his personality type and partly due how he relates in general (old patterns, family stuff, etc). So, this stuff -- and DS hitting -- is a lot harder on him than it is on me. DH often laments "but he doesn't listen/behave for me." And part of it is because DH can be wildly inconsistent AND gets frustrated in the process.

It's the inconsistency that can cause a lot of problems. And, DS has a new-found thing with this hitting. It gets a lot of reaction. Less reaction means less problem, too. So, always a good idea to remain calm.

Yes we found this too. I wasn't always able to stay calm, but now am much better with it.

Yes ZB normal public school. Steiner is about 45 mins each way, and I didn't know how I was going to manage that 5 days per week. Plus its very expensive unfortunately, it is worth it, but I didn't want to add stress to our family by trying to fit that in. It is more important I stay home with our children too. Homeschooling will have to work, even if we have to go further for the groups if we kept having problems. I don't think we will though. My son loves school, and he has made friends already.

[zoebird]

If the schooling works, there's no need to change it. Just that it could be confusing at this ate.

Also, having been raised non-punative myself (though in punishment/rewards education), you actually learn how little that process works and -- in my opinion -- you act more in accordance to values/morals/logic/intuition/insight then rules and on how to "game the system."

Most of my counterparts are ethical people, strive to do well, but will absolutely game every system as soon as they understand the rules. I, on the other hand, completely ignore the rules -- nor do I derrive any meaning from them -- and can think creatively and outside of the box, which gets me ahead in nearly *any* environment. I also have a lot of self reliance and self confidence, so I can take right authority properly (understanding my place in the system), while also being able to consciously and conscientiously affect change in the environment to create a more positive outcome (in terms of profitability, in terms of group dynamics, etc) -- because I'm not trying to 'game' the system to get ahead.

And it works really well.

More self confidence. That's the "problem."