Passion Through Primal: Cierra's Journal page

[CiKi90]

For a while now, I have been keeping an analog journal on and off. It helps me wind down at night and relax, and reflect on my day in a positive way. I always try to write things that I am thankful for. Overall, it is very beneficial to my mood.
However, it does not help me stay accountable for my venture into the primal lifestyle. I think starting a public journal in this forum will keep me a little more focused than I have been starting out with PB.

Now, to introduce myself. I am a 22 year old part time student current,y living in Pennsylvania. I moved here 4 years ago, after I graduated high school. Currently, I am taking the semester off for health reasons. I figured that a degree wouldn't do me any good if I was too sick to do anything with it.

For my entire life, I have suffered on and off from IBS. Doctors have prescribed me countless medications, I've had tests run and no one seems to know what's wrong with me. Doctors say that I am not allergic to any foods, but I don't really believe that to be true. So, in my search for food allergies, I started eliminating foods while doing research. Eventually, that led to a nearly vegan diet, with lots of oatmeal and tofu... Then, my fear of foods developed into anorexia, unfortunately. My phobia of foods and their effects on my body only escalated after an injury that prevented me from exercising for a few months. I'd been very athletic my whole life, and the idea of taking it easy just freaked me out. I believed I would get chubby over the course of my recovery, which led to full blown anorexia nervosa.

This lasted for nearly a year. I lost my mind -- and nearly 30 unnecessary pounds. I was weak, depressed, and in pain all the time. It turns out that when you don't nourish your body, eventually you just lose passion for everything. Lucky for me, though, I sought professional help. After an evaluation, and a few tests, my therapist revealed to me that at 85 pounds and 5% body fat, I was at severe risk of organ failure, osteoporosis, and cardiac arrest. This is not news that any 22 year old wants to hear... So I was determined to change.

That was in late November 2012. After consistently working to improve my body, today I am getting stronger every day. My fear of foods is completely gone, and I have changed my diet (well, working at changing it) 180 degrees. If I told myself a year ago that I would be able to eat bacon and eggs (the WHOLE egg) with avocado,I would not have believed myself. But I am doing it, this plan is working!

Today, standing proudly at 5'3, I am a healthy(er) 106 pounds and 11% body fat. I still have a bit of work to do but have recovered physically in record time, compared to others who have suffered from an eating disorder.
Today, I have the ability to run a 6 minute mile, and lift weights 2-3 times a week, when just a few months ago, I could hardly walk and do normal daily tasks.

Today, I am getting back in touch with the Earth. I have a passion to LIVE, a desire to be happy. And as I've discovered through my journey, being healthy is what makes me happy.

[CiKi90]

Entry for Wednesday, February 6th, 2013:

Sleep: I slept a whopping 11 full, uninterrupted hours! I must have needed it. It felt so good, and I woke up in an excellent mood, refreshed and ready for anything!

Supplements: I am taking GNC brand Women's Energy & Metabolism vitamin pack. I checked the ingredient list on my Acai Berry Extract supplement from VitaminWorld. WHY do they have to put soybean oil in my pills?! Guess. That's $40 down the drain. I also have magnesium and zinc that I should be taking, but did not take it today. In the evenings, I take aloe Vera, Miralax, and fiber supplements for my IBS. Hopefully, I won't have to take these one day and can just be all natural! Also, before each meal, I take 1-2 Digest Gold digestive enzymes, depending on how big my meal is.

Diet:
Breakfast: 2 organic eggs, 3 slices center-cut bacon, a grilled portobello mushroom, and several grilled cherry tomatoes with a cup of coffee + 1 cup almond coconut milk and some liquid stevia.
Lunch: still pretty full from breakfast, so I just had 1/2 avocado and some blueberries.
Post-workout: a smoothie made of coconut milk, Isopure Zero Carb chocolate protein powder, a frozen banana, some peanut butter (I know, bad!) a few cherries, and some almonds. Unfortunately, I figured out that the Isopure does NOT agreee with my stomach, and I guess I'll have to give it away...
Dinner: Homemade Beef and Broccoli made with sesame oil, organic beef, rice vinegar, coconut flour, arrowroot powder, butter, and vegetable broth. Had about 2oz beef and 1 head of broccoli, plus half a head of cauliflower "rice" fried in butter and onions. Garnished with sesame seeds... Delicious!

WOD: I ran a 6 minute mile, yay! Also, I did 2 sets of each exercise, with 10 reps and then 8: shoulder press (15lbs), calf raises (70lbs), glutes (60lbs), back extension (100lbs), leg extension (60lbs), tricep pull (50lbs), hip abduction (100lbs).
Felt really good about myself, strong and motivated. Proud of my strong body.

Today wasn't too shabby, health-wise. I know I have to work on not trying to be perfect, because that will just add stress to my life.


newborn – we are tender and weak
in death – we are rigid and stiff
living plants are supple and yielding
dead branches are dry and brittle
so the hard and unyielding belong to death
and the soft and pliant belong to life
an inflexible army does not triumph
an unbending tree breaks in the wind
thus the rigid and inflexible will surely fail
while the soft and flowing will prevail

[CiKi90]

February 7th:

Today started out okay, diet-wise. But lack of sleep and restlessness gave way to some very non Primal eating. This evening was horrible. I feel very guilty, especially since I am already at an okay weight for my height. I wouldn't hate it if I gained a couple more pounds, but feeling out of control like this just has to stop. I don't know what I'm doing wrong!

sleep: horrible night, got maybe 4-5 hours max. My recently spayed cat kept me up all night with her meowing. I feel sympathy for her, she must be in pain, but still, I need to sleep!

supplements: GNC Energy and Metabolism vitamin pack, aloe Vera caps, Miralax, and fiber pills in the evening, as usual. Thought a out purchasing L-glutamine for my sugar cravings, but I haven't done enough research to make the decision.

Diet:
Breakfast: 1/2 banana, cocoa powder, sesame seeds. Coffee with 1 cup almond coconut milk, unsweetened.
lunch: 1/3 avocado, 2 eggs, 3 slices bacon, grilled cherry tomatoes and a portobello mushroom.
Snack: 1 cup Fage 2% with blueberries, almonds, and pistachios. Also a random carrot. After that I sipped Kombucha ginger-ade digestive drink with probiotics.
Dinner: a can of sardines (shared with the cat) over a BAS-- spinach, carrots, celery, tomatoes, green olives, olive oil, and fresh green beans.

Then the shitstorm thAt is my bingeing occurred.... I had coconut flour, cocoa powder, sugar, coconut milk, Cheerios(!) and dinner rolls (!) a blood orange, SOOO much peanut butter (!!!) ugh. I know this is going to give me he'll tomorrow. I KNOW my system can't handle wheat and all that sugar, and yet I still do it. Is my body still afraid of being starved? I'm so confused, I'm trying so hard, but at night it's like I forget all my hard work. I have such good intentions... Ugh.

WOD 20 minutes of yoga after breakfast, 25 minutes of yoga before dinner. Wimpy day. :/

I feel so defeated. Why do I do this to myself? I used to be so strict on myself and would never stray from my "rules." Now that I'm trying to do my body some good, it's like I'm a bottomless pit! I can only trust that my body is eating reactive,y because it still needs all these calories, and im not just being a greedy binge eater. Bah. Here's to hoping to,or row brings a stronger will to be healthy and happy.

[CiKi90]

I woke up today feeling terrible. Bloated, depressed, guilty, just down on myself. My binge last night ended horribly with dinner rolls and sugary peanut butter, until I finally went to bed at nearly 4am. I know I was incredibly tired, and I should have realized it and gone to bed instead of just eating, and sting, and eating. I don't want this pendulum that is my eating disorder to swing from one extreme to the other. I cannot let this happen! I have to restart. Again. Today is a new day, and I am thankful for that. Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.
Here are my short-term goals, just for today:
1. HIIT cardio at the gym
2. Appreciation for modern day conveniences/ not taking advantages or a using the tools given to make my life easier
3. Meditation at night, relaxation
4. No counting calories, just cook and eat my planned dinner (oven roasted skin-on chicken breast with whichever veggies, and a salad)
5. Positive affirmations in the mirror, no negativity toward myself.
6. Remember how I feel after overeating/ bingeing, learn from it, meditate on it, try my hardest to not repeat my mistakes.

Binge eating is most certainly abusing the convenience of food. It is readily available to me, and I should utilize it appropriately, but not at the level I have been. I also have to recognize that sugar, grains, gluten, wheat, etc. are not food/fuel for my body. I am going to try to associate these things with nonfood items in my brain, so I will not be tempted with them. I don't eat cat litter/plastic/cardboard/dirt/dryer lint.... And all of these things will be equally beneficial to my body in my quest for health.

sleep: horrible. Sick, bloated sleep, stomach churning all night.
supplements: GNC energy & metabolism. If anyone is reading this, can you suggest beneficial supplements? Are zinc and magnesium good? What about L-Glutamine for sugar cravings?
diet: b-fast: coffee, with unsweetened coconut milk
Lunch: planning a 1 egg veggie omelet with 2 egg whites cooked in butter.
Post-workout: planning a smoothie with egg whites, a frozen banana, unsweetened coconut milk, and kale. Maybe a teaspoon of coconut oil? I'm disappointed that I had to give up my protein powder.
Dinner: planning on a chicken breast with cauliflower mash and roasted green beans, with a salad (spinach, celery, avocado, red onion, bell peppers, olives and walnut oil+lemon juice dressing)
After dinner ill drink some dandelion root tea, I heard it helps with bloating. Oh, and I'll have a Kombucha digestive drink, too.

Edit: I did not have the smoothie after my workout. Later, I had lamb curry at a restaurant, and just a couple bites of rice. Hours later, though, I broke down and had a couple of dinner rolls at home. I have no willpower! Maybe I can get the BF to go caveman with me for a while until I am a little more comfortable around the unsafe foods.

WOD planned: HIIT elliptical cardio
Edit: couldn't make it to the gym, so instead I did 10 1-minute "sprint" things using theorist two steps on my staircase army house. I also did 10 minutes of sun salutations, and 35 push ups. I wonder if that's enough :/ I hope so!

This plan is do-able. Before each meal, I vow to thank the Earth for what it has provided for me, and not take anymore or less than what I need. After each meal, I will reflect on how the food is nourishing my body and fueling me to live my life as passionately as possible. I will focus on the feeling of satiety, and gracefully nourish myself again when the true urge strikes me.

[CiKi90]

February 9th:

sleep stayed out late last night, didn't get to bed until 4am! Woke up around 11. I slept really well though, and I even had a dream, which hasn't happened in a long time. It was such a peaceful dream too

supplements GNC women's vitamin pack, digestive enzymes. Went shopping for a new protein supplement, and am considering taking BCAA before my workouts. I haven't done enough research on it yet, though! However, it does have l-glutamine in it, which i heard helps with sugar cravings. I desperately need that!

diet: b-fast was just coffee with almond-coconut milk, sweetened with stevia.
Dinner was at home, a roasted skin-on chicken breast, with buttery cauliflower mash, and a green salad with walnut oil dressing.
Later, I'll probably have dandelion root hot tea.

WOD: not going to the gym today, I am so sore! I am going to a party tonight, though, and I'm sure ill dance my butt off! Cardio + Friends + Fun = one happy cave girl

thoughts Slowing down to be grateful for the time I have and modern day conveniences really help make life seem just a little bit better. Reminding myself to not "abuse" technology really helps me to avoid going through life, taking advantage of the simple things.
Another thing I am trying to instill into my mind is that things that are not healthy for me (bread, sugar, cereal, grains, etc) are just simply not foods. I am trying to associate carby, sugary things that I crave with items like chemical cleaners, cat food, nail polish. Just not food! It kinda works with more practice, mind will win over matter.

[CiKi90]

Oh, Gods, today was horrible. I think I the chicken I made last night was doing a funky chicken dance in my belly. On top of that, my boyfriend was NOT in a good mood at all. We fought as I ran back and forth to the bathroom for hours. Of course, this morning ordeal didn't really put a positive spin on my Sunday afternoon. I ate sugar, and carbs, and carbs, and sugar, after coming out of the bathroom for the final time. By that point, I hadn't eaten in 24 hours and danced my ass off the night before.

Ugh. How many re-do's can I have? Unlimited? This has to stop. I don't understand why I put myself through eating bad things for me that just aren't worth it, and having multiple excuses for myself as to why it's okay to do it. Today's excuse was, "Oh, I was so sick all day and hardly ate anything yesterday, I can just have this sugary cereal, and almonds, and sugary coffee, and sugary sugar with sugar and carbs..." Ugh, what is wrong with me? This is so hard. I'm hoping that once I get some BCAA's and some L-Glutamine, I won't be defeated so easily anymore. I know, I shouldn't rely on anything as a "crutch," but this is getting so hard. I'm so embarrassed, I've begun to dip into my boyfriend's designated snacks. I ate his last dinner roll, AND finished off his partially-hydrogenated creamy peanut butter. And I have horrible, itchy skin from it, too. I'm breaking out from reactively eating all this sugar and bad shit. I didn't even get to do the things I wanted to do today, either, since I was just fighting, eating, crying, and running to the bathroom the whole day. I didn't get to do yoga, I didn't get to go buy (proper!) meat and other things at the grocery store, and I didn't get to tidy the house. Today was just a flop. I'm having a hard time finding the positives in today.

I just don't feel very strong right now. I feel weak, and needy. My ancestors would be ashamed! If THEY ate some bad chicken, and got sick, they would simply just try and get over it, and be thankful it wasn't anything worse, and then move on with their day. Don't worry, be happy! Right? Easier said than done, Grok. I'm just.. losing focus by trying to do so many things at once! It's getting overwhelming, like trying to clean up a disaster of a room. You just have to take it piece by piece. But I'm looking at the whole room (my disastrous eating habits) and I don't even know where to start.

sleep 4am-10am. got sick, laid back down from 1-3.
supplements GNC energy and metabolism, zinc, magnesium. digestive enzymes. Considering l-glutamine + BCAAs, and fish oil.
diet throughout the day, i had 1/2 cup coffee with unsweetened coconut milk. made me sick, couldn't finish it.
hours later I became starving... since we haven't been grocery shopping in a while, I made a STRANGE concoction of pureed avocado with a bit of sugar, flaxmeal, coconut milk, coconut flour, almonds, and (wtf) cheerios. I contribute this to the days of anorexia, when I would eat foods that didn't seem like food at all. It's embarrassing to admit, but I would just eat straight coffee grounds, or that nasty chemical spray butter on a slice of "lite bread," or just raw all-purpose flour mixed with sugar and water. I guess that part of me still lingers, because this pastelike, sweet substance satisfied me on some weird level. I hate it, I wish I could stop.
A few minutes ago, I had a string cheese, and I'm now drinking some unsweetened raspberry green tea that I made at home, iced, mixed with Pelligrino and lemon juice. tastes a bit like soda.
WOD Nothing. I hardly even got off the couch. My legs HURT from dancing so much last night, and my tummy is still making strange grumbles. =/

NOT A GOOD DAY. defeated. blah. I can't even muster up a positive note to leave on.

[CiKi90]

Today was so much better! I slept a full 12 hours, and woke up feeling pretty refreshed. The weather was GORGEOUS for the middle of February in the northeast, so I went outside! I got a bit of sunlight, and I was happy. Nothing really bothered me today. I kind of feel refreshed. I just needed to hit the reset button in my mind. Forget everything before this point, and just focus.

In order to be more serious about this new lifestyle, I took a few precautions and made some changes in the kitchen. For instance, the sugar bowl that we ONLY have for my boyfriends morning coffee and evening tea was getting used by me in some unhealthy ways. So, even though its not so great waste-wise, I bought packets of sugar like at a restaurant so that I won't be tempted to just "add a little" to whatever. I also moved the honey, my bf's peanut butter, and my own almond butter out of my regular line of sight in the kitchen. The honey is in the back of the cupboard, and the nut butters are in the fridge, behind other things.
Thankfully, I went grocery shopping today. I think I did really well! I got some ground beef, 6 chicken breasts (the bf doesn't like dark meat) some buffalo stew meat (seemed interesting) some nitrite free bacon, and some prosciutto. I also snagged some Kerrygold butter, omega-3 eggs, and some 2% Fage (the total had the same ingredient list, so it seemed ok to get 2%. Oh man, I didn't think I'd be able to taste a difference between the 0% and 2%, but I really do, I love it! Anyway, alllllll of this paired with various veggies and nondairy milks should definitely help me be prepared whenever I get hungry, instead of standing around scrounging for something quick.
In addition to the food, I got some unflavored BCAA, and some l-glutamine for my workouts. I took only 5g BCAA before, and 5g afterward. I'm so small, I felt like it'd be enough. Also, I wasn't sure if it'd make me feel weird or jittery, and I had to take it I the evening.
diet was the best it's been in a while! I think maybe I didn't eat enough calories, but I'm full...
B-fast was a big cup of coffee with whole milk and stevia
Lunch was a homemade sushi "roll" with mayo, avocado, smoked salmon, and greens. For "dessert" i had a Kit's organic Clif bar, which is almost exactly like a larabar! Then I had a cup of coconut milk, coconut water, and stevia mixed with 5g BCAA. That stuff tastes gross in water!
Then, for dinner, I had a roasted chicken breast (the skin was awesome!), green bean "fries" with Parmesan cheese, and a green salad with bell peppers, a hard boiled egg white, cherry tomatoes, 1/2 slice of bacon, and a little olive oil + lemon juice for dressing. Now I'm sipping some detox tea with a splash of coconut milk and vanilla stevia.

WOD consisted of walking a couple miles leisurely in the sun, running a 6 minute mile, and lifting weights for about 30 minutes.

I'm super tired, but happy! I'm feeling much more confident than yesterday... I know I can keep it up!

[CiKi90]

2/15. Friday

Basics:
Sleep: 8 full hours
Supplements: (morning) GNC Women's Energy & Metabolism, Zinc, 2 L-Glutamine, Digest Gold
(evening) 15-20g BCAA, 2 L-Glutamine, 2 Magnesium, 4 Fiber supplements, 3 Aloe Vera caps, Miralax, Digest Gold.
WOD: 5.4 miles on the elliptical, changing the resistance at various intervals. 45 mins.
Diet: (B) Almond Coconut Milk, coffee, stevia.
(L) 1 can sardines, mayonnaise, bell pepper wrapped in nori. A smoothie with BCAA, coconut milk, kale, 75g banana, a few frozen cherries, stevia.
(D) Chili: 3oz. 93% organic ground beef, 1/2 red pepper, 1/2 green pepper, 1/4 onion, 1 portobello mushroom, SPICY chili seasoning. Garlic, salt, pepper. 1 Slenderize Fuze with BCAA. (later) 1 teaspoon honey + 1 teaspoon coconut oil.

The binge the night before contained gluten. Made me bloated ALL day today, and felt depressed as I woke up. I am kind of starting to think that avoiding grains is making my body even more sensitive to grain products/gluten... It also may be because my dr suggested doubling up my birth control pills for a couple days to "reset" my menstrual cycle. Either way, I just felt heavy, gross, depressed. I don't really need to gain any more weight, so the "reactive eating" binges just have to stop. However, I feel like if I DON'T binge, I usually don't eat enough calories. Maybe this will even out with time, as the binges disappear, and my eating habits become more stable. Why WOULD I be hungry today if I consumed more than 2,000 calories yesterday?
Anyway.
Yes, I slipped up yesterday, but I am learning forgiveness, self-love, and awareness of my emotions.
Today, I will forgive myself for the negativity toward my own body and thoughts and focus my energy on self love. This morning, I was depressed because of the sugary, glutenous (gluttonous) binge the night before. My SO made it completely better though, and the day ended up being positive. I am now happy and appreciate my body for being strong and healthy enough to run nearly 6 miles. I recognize that my mind is just as strong, if not stronger, than my body. I have the power to lead a healthy lifestyle.

What am I grateful for today? (1) my SO, who has taken care of me through all of my issues, and did so much today to make me happy (2) The shelter from the cold that my house provides for me every day, along with all of the conveniences of modern day: television, endless info through the internet, instant communication with others, light, heat, endless supply of food, clean water, incessant entertainment... (3) the ability to exercise for leisure instead of using my strong body for survival and running out of necessity. I think of how I use working out as a hobby, but so many others run, literally, for their lives. (4) the stability in my life in comparison to my life, several months ago. My moods are more stable, my health is more stable, as is my relationship, my social life, and everything, in general. Being HEALTHY is so much more fruitful than being skinny. (5) looking better naked than I do in clothes (this was not the case 25lbs ago!) (6) getting EXCITED for things in life: video games, exercise, auto shows, fancy dinners, hookah, board games. Being depressed makes you really not care about this stuff, even if you once really loved it. I am so happy that I actually care, now.
(7) my cats, who are very loveable nowadays. (8) my badass Primal cooking skillz... makes eating Primal so much easier when you know how to put a meal together with almost anyyything! (9) my decisions about the communication between me and my family. Not talking to my sister was one of the healthiest things I could have decided to do for myself... And I appreciate my parents' willingness to support it. and finally.... (10) the stress-free way of life that I have become so adapted to. No job, no children, no school at the moment. I am very lucky to wake when I feel like, eat when I feel like, take a nap if I want, buy quality foods to nourish my body, exercise as much as I want/when I want, and enjoy the little things that overly busy people do not have the luxury of doing. I am seriously blessed with all the tools I need to lead an amazingly healthy, happy life!

[Hedonist2]

Hi Cierra. It's great you keep such a detailed journal, and learn from it. I really like your affirmation of what you are grateful for.

Do try not to beat yourself up. Just get back on track.

Peanut butter is my greatest weakness. Not great but per Mark not the worst thing.

Good luck!

[CiKi90]

Hi Cierra. It's great you keep such a detailed journal, and learn from it. I really like your affirmation of what you are grateful for.

Do try not to beat yourself up. Just get back on track.

Peanut butter is my greatest weakness. Not great but per Mark not the worst thing.

Good luck!

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I looked through your Ancestral Health Info link and found some interesting stuff. I never thought of linking my direct lineage/ancestry with my diet -- trying to eat as close to my ancestors instead of just generalizing it to a vague paleolithic diet makes a lot of sense! I just don't really know what I'd do because I'm such a mix of so many things, haha.