Similar to Yoyo I would say resentment vs. jealousy.
Stop eating liver if you don't like it!
Similar to Yoyo I would say resentment vs. jealousy.
Stop eating liver if you don't like it!
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
Sounds like you could just be jealous he seems more interested in his "boring" hobbies than he is in you.
Anyway, now that I'm home, I can elaborate more. You sound weak sometimes, and I don't believe you are. Most of the time on here your journal entries are the same thing, you seem sad, because you seem really stuck and not content with the way things are. I've seen too many people, women in particular, who are unrelenting in their ability to get stuck in a situation, relationship in this incident, where mostly everything doesn't go the way they'd like it to. This could be a few things, one of them being a manifestation of all your frustrations with everything else being attached to the person you see the most, or that you just aren't compatible with them in the first place. It's sad to see, because it always happens to younger people who still have a lot of life left to live, and usually with older people who are already jaded and have given up on fixing their problem. His problem, as you touched on, is that he's a contradiction of being both controlling and neglecting at the same time.
You can claim that he says sweet things until you're blue in the face, but when you write mostly complaints about him, this seems insincere and mostly like a cop out.
You only get one life to live, unless you believe in that reincarnation stuff, but in that case, you could end up as something undesirable due to your unfinished business in this body. Anyway, you need to either get out and live, even if you think you might be unhappy for a while, or make some compromises with him. None of that "I'm afraid" bullshit, it's easy to hide behind that. The worst part is still here, so what are you really afraid of? Finding out what you already know about him? Losing your complacency(are you really complacent in the first place?) or that things could get worse? They can always get worse, but they can always get better too. If you choose to compromise with him, assuming he can be compromised with, changes needed to be made where he can give you your desired and rightful freedom to do what you want, and vice versa for him too. Only when things are balanced as such can a monogamous relationship even work. And, no, trying to bolster your libido to give him sex isn't going to fix that, or make him more interested in you. He'll hump you like a dog for about 4 minutes, before he either falls asleep, or goes and drinks a soda and watches more DBGT.
Sorry if this sounds mean, but I felt like it could possibly help you, because I don't believe you're like most people who will let advice from truly empathetic people go in one ear and out the other.
Last edited by Derpamix; 07-04-2013 at 10:17 AM.
Tired eyes, like our tired lives
Well, to everyone who replied, and voiced concern:
Thank you for helping me, again. It seems like the people who frequent my journal can always give reliable advice and keep me from twisting the truth for my benefit. So, I am going to be honest with myself regarding the whole thing. Am I attracted to him anymore? Sometimes. But sometimes not. I see him less and less through rose-tinted glasses, the way that I used to. I remember the first couple of years we were together, and I believed he was so strong, and knew everything, and was everything that I thought I was missing in my life. He was a social butterfly, while I kept to myself. He helped me with a lot of things, and made me feel better about myself. He showed me a different way of life, and I really enjoyed it for a long time. Now, though, I think I am growing up. I see that he's doing the exact same thing he was doing 4 years ago... which is the exact same thing he was doing ten years before that. He never changes, and he's always going to act like a 19 year old dude -- which is why I got along with him two years ago, but I am no longer content these days.
I just ... I really don't know what to do. It's not like I'm necessarily afraid to break up with him, it's just that I do not know how to go about it without a job, or without money. He doesn't want me to have a job, my parents certainly don't have money to lend me, I have no credit, and really, just no way of getting money before I make a move. I don't think that compromise is an option, either, because I do so so so much for him, all the time. Seriously, I don't think that I could dedicate any more of my attention to him to make him happier. And yet, he always complains about me not doing enough for him. So, I'm sure that from his perspective, a compromise would be irrational since I'm not doing anything right, anyway. I just don't think he realizes what he actually has, and how much I really do for him. I don't know, I guess today I am just really fed up with him because we got in an argument -- well, not really an argument, he just started yelling at me for something and I ignored it until he calmed down. I know I shouldn't be bad-mouthing him in this way on my journal, because it's really mean for me to be putting my business out there for people to believe that he's a bad guy when he can't defend himself at all, but I don't know what else to do. His birthday is coming up, and we're supposed to do something special, and I'm supposed to treat him especially nice. Then I think we have two more vacations lined up before the summer is over, and then I might go back to see my family in my hometown. Sigh.
Thursday, July 4
2am-9am-10am-11:30am ... There was a parade and fireworks all morning, ugh!
Well, since I added a new one, I guess I'll list 'em all out now:
Vit D: 3000IU
Digest Spectrum: 2
Magnesium Citrate: 960mg
Aloe Vera: 2 caps
Fenugreek Extract: 1.5g orally, plus a few drops mixed into lotion, massaged into chesticles for 15 mins each time. It smells weird! My bf said it smells like Indian food, and calls me Hindi Tits. racist lol
Hookah: 1 peach-vanilla hookah, gave me a headache
Gelatin: 1 envelope
Fitness Blender video for ~40mins. Wasn't really that hard, actually. :/
B: coffee/almond milk/stevia. 1env. gelatin w/ juice of 1 lime, sugar, monkfruit.
S: 200g watermelon
L: 1 small banana, 4 strawberries, 2 corn cake thins, 10 almonds, and a chunk of coconut meat accompanied with 1c greek yogurt and 15g cocoa powder + monkfruit.
D: 4.5 oz (raw) filet mignon, cooked to rare in a pan with a little butter. 120g roasted red potato wedges and 3 grilled mixed veg skewers (squash, tomato, and onion.)
S: 100g watermelon, 2 corn cake thins, more yogurt, maybe a chocolate froyo bar later? Idk! Also, sleepy tea with almond milk.
Drinks: coffee, almond milk, water, rosewater, perrier, lime juice, sleepy tea.
Cravings: I felt pretty hungry all day today, but I knew that I was going to make filet for dinner tonight, so I held back a bit. Sadly I think I could have polished off the entire (12oz raw) filet, but I had to share it with my bf, and I gave him the bigger portion.
Hair: great. Gonna do laser hair removal treatment #4 on my legs and underarms. Going to do treatment #2 on my tummy, and I might even start treatment #1 on my arms if I had enough juice left in the thingy.
Skin: No new zits, slowly improving skin. That fenugreek stuff is oily, though, and was really disgusting when I was exercising today, since it mixed with my sweat and made me feel like a slug! lol.
Body: I put on a button-down shirt that I haven't worn in ages, and it was kind of tight in the upper arms! That's kind of scary lol, I hope I don't look too big. However, I put my stats into this online deal that said that in order for me to be a swimsuit model (which is the lowest weight category) I should gain 3lbs of fat and 2lbs of muscle. That kind of shocked me o_O
Digestion: Pretty legit. Minimal bloating, but kind of a lot of gas today. I think it's probably because I snuck those cookies yesterday! Fuck you, gluten, why do you have to taste so goooood?
Energy: Average. Not really pumped, but not nodding off, either. I wanted to do a bit more exercise today, but it was too hot for a long outdoor walk, and of course the gym was closed today.
There are so many ups and downs going on in my relationship right now, it's driving me crazy and gives me a headache just to think about it. One minute, I'm thinking uuuuugh I just want to be alone and I don't even want to look at him! But the next minute, I'm like, awh, you're such a sweet guy and so nice, how could I want to leave? It's so weird how I'm waffling like this. Today, when we were smoking hookah at the bar, we were waiting for our friends to call us back to go walk down to see the fireworks, but no one ever called us or even texted us back, which made me really sad... He asked me what I wanted to do since no one was answering, and I was just like, "I want to make new friends and hang out with different people, who are actually nice, and motivated to do fun things and don't fucking flake out on us every single time." And so that turned into the discussion of me becoming a personal trainer. He didn't seem opposed to it or annoyed, this time, but maybe it's because I was so bummed out about our horrible friends. Anyway, we just ended up going home by ourselves instead of seeing the show. It ended up raining right in the middle of it anyway, so we would've been stuck in the rain walking all the way back to the car. Whatever! My dinner was excellent and now we're going to start watching Venture Bros.
Question of the Day:
Where did you meet the group of friends that you hang out with the most? Have you had the same friends for a very long time, or did you have to recently make new friends for some reason?
It could also be that your just stuck in a rut (because of the very valid reasons you listed above). if he were to compromise a little and change his behaviour to be more like how you'd like, would he then be the man you want to be with?
If not, I go back to my first comment.
If yes, I'd still make a start on your exit strategy, but have an own and honest discussing about your feeling of the being in and the things that you would like to change, without giving any ultimatums of you leaving if they don't etc. and see what happens. If he had no interest in trying to make things better v you're better off without him.
Just my 2 cents :-)
If you're interested in my (very) occasional updates on how I'm working out and what I'm eating click here.
I had hookah for the first time the other night! Surprising, I know. That shit tastes real good.
My answer to your QOTD is kind of unusual so I'll share: at a tea shop. Yes, it's like a bar, but they serve tea instead of alcohol (although they always have alcohol there, they just don't sell it...). So I have many friends from school, but a lot of my friends are locals, adults, party harder than my college friends. It's weird.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
Well, there's really only two things I can think of, in regards to your situation:
1) Because you don't have an "exit strategy" you're trying to trick yourself into thinking the relationship (or your SO) isn't that bad, just so you don't have to accept the reality of how little you like the situation you're in.
2) Since you're stuck in a rut, and can't really find a way to break out of your routine, and he's part of your routine, you're kind of shutting down towards him. I'm not sure if I explained that properly, lol.
Either way, really, you need to make a change. Get that personal trainer certification (you'd be amazing at that, by the way, and if you were in Montreal, I'd hire you ), or just get some sort of part-time job. I know you said he doesn't approve, or whatever. But he isn't your father, and you aren't a child. Why do you need his approval? You need to stand on your own two feet, so you aren't forced to lean on him.
I'm well aware of how crappy it feels to be stuck in a rut, and to want to be able to find yourself/be independent/grow up, and all that. And I also know how hard it is to actually make a change, but like Om told you before, what do you have to lose? You're not happy now, so even if the change you make isn't successful, what are you losing? At least give yourself a chance to get happier, you know?
QOTD: When I'm in Dubai, the group of friends I'm always with are my friends from school + high school (some of them I've been with since the 4th-6th grade, some the 9th - either way, a looong time) and one of my closest friends is someone I met in university. In Montreal, the people I hang out with are friends from university there. I've met lots of people from my building, but I don't really "hang out" with them. So I guess all my close friends are from an educational setting, lol. I'd really like to be one of those people that just makes friends on the street or in random places, buuut I dunno, lol.
Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.
Ci, it sounds like both of you guys are fed up with your lives. That's going to put a strain on any relationship. You probably both need to work on becoming more fulfilled within yourselves. Once you've done that, then it will be clear if the relationship is right or not.
And, I know what you're going to say - he's reluctant to change etc.: most people don't change their lives because of FEAR. THey make all manner of excuses, but it comes down to the dread of the unknown and the scariness of the worst possible things happening.
It sounds like he's coming round to the idea of you being a PT: keep encouraging him (gently) to find his dream and pursue it. And in the meantime, don't put your dream on hold because of him. Honestly, follow your heart and so many other things (friends included) fall into place.
"I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.
In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."
- Ray Peat
Yes, I'm slowly working on everything, taking small steps to chip away at the hindrances that are keeping me from living my life fully and passionately. There's only so much I can push myself to do at one time, though, before feeling overwhelmed. Today was a pretty good day, and I'm trying to make more days follow this suit. I love yous guys, you always really come through for me!
Friday, July 5
I think the newest addition is working, a little bit! Sadly I'm already tired of the smell and giving myself 15 minute massages 2x a day. I read that in combination with Fenugreek, Saw Palmetto is supposed to speed up the process and work together, but I did read a few negative things about the SP regarding skin damage and weight gain, soooo I'm apprehensive to try it. I wonder if it would cause damage if just used as an oil, though, instead of ingested orally?
Elliptical run. Shitty performance.
B: coffee/almond milk/stevia. Juice of 2 lemons, gelatin, sugar, stevia.
Post-WO: ~100g watermelon, a chunk of coconut meat.
L: 2 chicken sausages, 1 whole egg, 90g egg whites, 1 thin slice of provolone.
S: 2 rice cakes with tea and almond milk.
D: 8oz. 2% Greek yogurt, 1.5 tbs cocoa powder, 1 small banana, 10 almonds, 3 rice cakes.,sleepy tea with almond milk and sugar.
Drinks: coffee, water, almond milk, matcha, sexy tea, sleepy tea, a sip of coke.
Cravings: none, really. Maybe a hint of a craving for peanut butter, but... Whatever. So happy to report that the cookies were finished off today (by my bf, not me lol) and I only had about 6 out of the pack I think, and they were there to tempt me for days! I hate how he can buy sweets and things and just forget about them, but I can never forget once they're in the house! It's not fair, lol.
Hair: starting laser treatments tomorrow if I have the time. The hair on my head is still doing great, feeling strong and healthy.
Skin: that retin-a-micro stuff really makes my skin sensitive, but if it makes my zits go away and prevents wrinkles/sun damage, then I think I can handle it!
Body: I felt okay enough with myself today to indulge in my curiosity, so I weighed myself and used the electronic BodPod to measure my bodyfat percentage. The scale says I'm 111.5lbs, which is crazy because I feel so much heavier than that! I thought for sure it'd say something like 115-117. But, the scale doesn't lie! The BodPod had two settings, "normal" and "athletic." The normal calculation claimed that I'm 14.5% and the athletic one said 16.3%. I don't know which one is accurate, or if either of the, are. Again, I. Thought that it would say that I'm like 18-22% body fat...
Digestion: good. No bloating whatsoever! I read that the fenugreek would help with that, but I wasn't counting on it.
Energy: I was totally beat after my cardio today, but after some food and a shower, I perked right back up.
I am really tired right now, so I don't think I'm going to elaborate much. I'm tired of talking about my problems. I'm tired of thinking about them, writing about them, dealing with them. I know I can't ignore them, but having distractions helps. In other news, I became a member of a bodybuilding forum. Not that I wanna become a bodybuilder or anything, but it might give me some good ideas and advice toward my career and fitness goals.