Sunday, June 16
I had a dream that I was on trial for something. I don't remember what it was, but it was very dark in there, like the lights were turned off and it was night time, but maybe there were candles. Maybe I was part of the jury? The dream has faded in my mind a lot by now, but I just remember a lot of arguing, and someone offering me 100 year old Scotch. They poured it out like soy sauce into a shot glass I told them I didn't drink alcohol and they got really offended, and knocked it everywhere. The judge was laughing the whole time. Makes no sense now, oh well.
Continuing to take 2 instead of 3 aloe veras. I haven't taken my fish oil in a while, I'm afraid that it's rancid and I'm just eating gross old fish oil for no reason lol.
Super lazy Sunday. It's raining out and I'm rather tired.
Update: ~1 mi walk around the city. Hardly exercise, though lol.
B: Coffee, cartoned coconut milk, stevia, 1 envelope gelatin, 1 tsp sugar.
L: Grilled Mahi Mahi fillet with a bunch of homemade salsa containing: 1/2 small avocado, 3/4c roasted tomatoes, 1 small mango, a bit of red onion, cilantro, lemon juice, chili powder, roasted garlic, salt. It was delicious, and my boyfriend said that it looked like something you'd get in a restaurant. But .. it tasted much better than restaurant food lol.
S: 1 small banana, 1 tsp sugar, couple bites frozen yogurt.
D: 1 can skipjack tuna with mustard and spices, wrapped in cabbage leaves. side of cantaloupe, cucumber, and prosciutto.
S: pancakes made from 1 small banana, 1 egg, 1 egg white, 2tbs sugar, vanilla, 2tbs coconut flour. Sauce made from canned coconut milk, 1/2tsp butter, and sugar, heated and thickened. 1 cup frozen yogurt on top. glass of warm cartoned coconut milk on the side. Oh, it was glorious, and I am stuffed.
Cravings: sugar, fat. I think my fat intake has been slightly low lately, so maybe I should increase it to help my libido/stress? Does it work that way?
Calories: 1630. (It seemed like I had more, though. Seems like plenty for a lazy day, anyway.)
Thoughts for Food:
I haven't thought about just how "Primal" my eating habits have been, lately, until Mango decided to do her 100% Primal willpower challenge. Right now, I have just been trying to focus on getting my social life straightened out without stressing about if I'm following the 80/20 rule, or if I'm closer to 70/30 or even 50/50. To reduce my obsession about how healthy I've been eating, though, I made it a personal little "rule" that I could eat whatever I wanted on the weekend, and try to stick to a gluten-free, abstained-from-grain (mostly, except rice here and there) diet Monday-Friday. I've also been trying to increase my caloric intake a bit, but it's been kind of hard, honestly. It sounds really easy to do, and when I was recovering from starvation, boy, was it easy to just eat and eat. But, now, I'm finding that eating over net 1500 calories induces a lot of anxiety for me. That may have to do with everything else going on in my life, though. I'm not really sure. If it is connected (which it probably is) I suppose I should try to rip this bandaid off real quick, instead of peeling tiny bits off day by day.
Hair: neeeed a different shampoo. What brand do y'all use?
Skin: Improving, Maybe? At least I don't think it's getting any worse.
Nails: Wanna paint them today, but they're so fragile. WTF
Body: Fine. Used my big fancy Brookstone massager today for a little bit, so I should be feeling great and ready for a hard workout tomorrow.
Digestion: Still a little uncomfortable to deal with. If it's still the same tomorrow, I'll experiment with reducing magnesium supplements, too.
Energy: Well, since I don't need to do anything, I'm naturally feeling pretty low in energy. Maybe I should do some hand-stands or something.
Other: Noticeable decreased libido
Love: I've been pulling away from him a lot lately. I brushed off being intimate last night, and didn't really want to be around him very much. It's really sad, but I was even a little disappointed when he didn't go out to a party he'd been planning to go to, just so I could have some time by myself. For some reason, I can't stop focusing on the negativities of the relationship right now, and all the pressure I'm feeling (mostly from myself) to make things work. Not to mention, I'm feeling pressure from his family to get married and have children ASAP. But ... if I don't even know if he and I want the same things in life, how could I possibly be willing to even think about marriage and children -- two things that I have never desired for myself.
Family: I spoke to my dad today, of course, since it was Father's Day. He was in a pretty good mood, except that he said that my sister has been bothering him a lot lately. I told him about everything I've been dealing with, and explained why I was hesitant to come and visit. He said that he really, honestly understood why I have chosen to avoid contact with her, but he was sorry that it had to be that way. He then admitted that if he could choose to stop talking to her, too, that he would. I feel so terrible that our family has tried to help her so much with her life, to no avail. I asked if she'd gotten any better, and that I was planning on writing her a letter, and he said that it was probably not a good idea to start things back up with her because her mental health has declined since I've been in contact with her. I was really hoping that they would've said she was doing so much better, and I can't help but to think that if I would have kept listening to her and trying to help her, that maybe she wouldn't have gotten worse. My boyfriend brought it to my attention, though, that I have been acting "the way I used to" when I was talking with her, i.e. sick, depressed, slightly insane, and distant. Anyway, my parents said that they would talk with each other, and try to talk with my sister, to work things through so that I could come and visit them. I explained that I wasn't trying to make things difficult and that I really do want to see them, but at this point in my life, it's just really hard.
Friends: Got to spend time with people yesterday, and it was great. I finally got one of my friends' numbers that I haven't talked to in ages, so hopefully we can chill together more frequently. We have a lot of the same views on things, except that she's really bubbly and super talkative, and I ... am not. I'm hoping that if I'm around her a bit more often, some of that will rub off on me, and maybe give me some breathing room between my SO and me, too.
I'm sure I'll have more to ramble about later, as it's still pretty early in the evening. But, for now ... ^__^