Passion Through Primal page 2

[CiKi90]

Log for Saturday, 2-16.

Basics
Sleep: full 8 hours, woke up a little earlier than normal, but I felt great and energized!
Supplements: (morning) GNC Women's Energy & Metabolism, Zinc (2), Digest Gold (2) L-Glutamine (2), (evening) Miralax, Aloe(1), Fiber (4), L-Glutamine (2), Magnesium (2)
WOD: Walked around the Auto Show at the convention center for a few hours... I'm going to count this as a slow movement day.
Diet: (b) 6oz. So Delicious unsweetened coconut milk + coffee + stevia.
(L) 1 grilled portobello mushroom w/ egg inside, organic cheddar cheese slice on top, a roasted tomato, and 2 strips nitrite free bacon.
(D) 200g grilled chicken breast w/walnut oil, 200g steamed broccoli with 2 slices organic cheddar cheese. as a little "dessert" I had a teaspoon of coconut oil and a teaspoon of honey, and a cup of hot tea.
Snacks consisted of a few roasted & salted pistachios (maybe 10?), a Slenderize Fuze, Perrier, Dandelion Root Green tea. Maybe a little spoonful of almond butter.

Thoughts: Saturday was great. I kept busy, stayed in a positive mood, and noticed that because I did not compulsively eat the night before, in secret, in abundance, whatever ... and when I did begin to get peckish again, I brushed my teeth and went to bed... All of this resulted in me waking up feeling refreshed! I think that whenever I eat until I'm overly full during the night, my body doesn't get a full night's sleep; it's too busy trying to digest whatever snacks I threw together and ate hastily while standing over the kitchen counter. I just have to keep reminding myself of the positivity I feel whenever I eat regularly, when I am hungry, and don't push myself too much. Don't get me wrong ... my dinner was HUGE! and I was sooo full afterward. But that's exactly what I need, I think, for me to not want to binge. Trying to limit myself to little 300 calorie dinners while simultaneously trying NOT to binge just isn't going to work for me. I only eat twice a day, usually, so 300 calories just will not cut it, and I have to push my disordered thoughts about calories out of my mind when preparing my meals.

What am I proud of today?
(1) I did not obsessively count calories, and only added it up at the end of the day. (2) I did not binge, even though I had a flicker of the thought in the back of my head. (3) I enjoyed myself despite my day not really going as planned. I wasn't so rigid about everything. (4) I have gone 2 full days without consuming any grains! I am focusing only on not eating grains at the moment, instead of being concerned about no grains AND no sugar AND no dairy all at once. Baby steps! (5) I realized that while out and about, I could honestly focus on the cars, and the event around me. A few months ago, I would have only been able to focus on the people around me, what they were eating, how they looked, and if I was "better" or "worse" than them. I am proud to say that I did not have a single thought like this while out, which is a big change.

I am so grateful that I am leading a totally different life. I fell down, far, but I feel as if I am slowly getting back up. I may trip from time to time, but as long as I am trying, I can rest assured that I will never fall that hard again. It's just simply not worth it. I know I am always writing about this, but I really want to solidify the thought that anorexia is NOT a way of life. Exercising, eating, THRIVING, playing, and loving -- THAT is a way of life.

Let's point out some changes that I've made recently that I think have benefited me:
1: taking 3-4 L-Glutamine throughout the day 2: taking Zinc in the morning and Magnesium at night 3:the Magnesium helps me get to sleep earlier, so that helps 4: detaching myself slowly from counting calories, and considering calories to be more arbitrary than before 5: not TRYING to reach a macro goal, but just eating when I am hungry, and trying to make it a bigger meal than what I used to make. 6: just loosening up about things in general, going with the flow.being happy wherever I am.

I know I can continue to be healthy. When I am healthy, I am happy. When I am happy, I do not need emotional crutches. I can stand strong and not allow any negativity or adversity to sway me.

[CiKi90]

Sunday, 2-17

Basics:
Sleep: slept on and off, had a horrible nightmare, woke up several times. blehhh
Supplements: GNC vitapack, 2 Zinc, 2 Digest Gold, 1 l-glutamine... evening: 8g BCAA before WOD, 2 l-glutamine, 3 aloe vera, 4 fiber, 2 Miralax, 2 Magnesium, 2 Digest Gold.
WOD: 5 minute 0.80 mi. elliptical run. "pull" day, 2 sets each, 10, then 8. Raised the weights on abductions, lat pulls, and bicep curls! took about 40 mins.
Diet: Needed to go grocery shopping :/
(b): 60g shredded sweet potato, 60 g onions sauteed in coconut oil, with 2 slices prosciutto. 1/2 cup flax milk + protein.
(d): sushi! shared salmon and tuna maki, had tuna, uni, hamachi, and salmon sushi, plus seaweed salad and a pear compote.
But....I was still hungry (sigh.) So, I went to the kitchen, where I had several tsp of coconut oil, some honey, and a cup of tea with a bit of flax milk. But ugh! Stillllll hungry. I waited. I tried to feel sleepy. I tried to talk myself out of it. But no. So I ended up eating 2 english muffins with butter and sugar (so embarrassed...) some mashed chickpeas with bananas and peanut butter, and a few cherries.
Tonight's overconsumption was brought to me by a number of factors in my life: Lack of sleep, not taking enough l-glutamine, not eating much (unintentionally) the past couple days, eating too many carbs and not having enough protein before my work out today. I was also irritated by video game playing and restless waiting around all day on the day that was SUPPOSED to be our own little Valentine's day.

It's okay though. I think I'm naturally doing this "calorie cycling" thing all by myself, without really trying. Some days I eat less than 1,000 calories just because I'm not hungry. Other days, I feel like I could eat 3,500. I just need to make sure that I have delicious things around the house for when these times strike. Except I'm afraid to have tooooo many delicious things around the house at all times because I dont want to just be eating "cause it tastes good." I have a dilemma, though, because if I don't buy the delicious good-for-me-things that I might overeat, I just end up overeating on my boyfriend's snacks! Which is even WORSE! Agh, I don't know. This is horrible. I'm still hungry. Stupid, bottomless pit. It's not even like I'm bored... But I am tired, and irritated. Upset at my boyfriend for stupid little things like not shaving his face before dinner, or wearing a nice button-down, or playing video games at least 5 hours today, or his friend saying he'd get to our house by 12 and getting here at 3... Waiting around just kills me.

All in all, today was an iffy day. There were some very good things about it: working out, eating sushi. But also bad things: waiting around, feeling insatiably hungry, irritable, tired, etc.
And, since I had almost nothing in the house to eat except things containing gluten, I will inevitably wake up feeling like shit tomorrow! Hopefully, it won't be too bad. Maybe I can do some yoga and run 5k, to even out my anxiety and icky feelings.
Here's to learning from yesterday, living today, and hoping for tomorrow.

Gosh, I sure do have a lot of "yesterdays" to learn from. You'd think I'd catch on by now.

[CiKi90]

Monday 2-18

Basics:
sleep: went to bed late, slept 8 hours, woke up refreshed.
supplements: GNC pack, 2 l-glutamine, 2 zinc, 2 digest gold. evening: 2 magnesium, 3 aloe, 4 fiber, 2 miralax, 2 digest gold, 2 l-glutamine.
WOD: 30 mins of yoga at home, about an hour of walking around indoors. light exercise.
diet: b: xyience mango-guava energy drink
l: Panera Bread's Power Steak Lettuce Wrap Salad, 1 neuro bliss drink
d: 6oz. grilled swordfish steak, green salad w/ bell pepper, tomatoes, celery, EVOO, and a baked sweet potato w/ kerrygold, cinnamon, a tsp of sugar, and ginger.
s: some pistachios, a spoonful of almond butter before bed.

Slightly upset stomach from the night before, but it quickly went away when I was distracted with the busy day.
Pros: went shopping, got out of the house, had a nice lunch, ate mostly primal foods (Except the beverage choices), played Monopoly with friends, relaxed, did yoga, journaled, made a new friend.
Cons: Bobby was sick/irritated most of the day, my libido was down (probably because of the binge the night before containing gluten...), didn't find any necessary things while out shopping, consumed sugar (about 3-4tsp).

More pros than cons. No grains yesterday, yay! No compulsive over-eating, either. I had a slight urge, but thankfully, I was satisfied with just eating a spoon of nut butter and going off to bed. Hopefully I can keep up the good work and not give in to my emotionally driven urges.

For example: Right now, I definitely want to go and finish off the almond butter.... I want to mix it with sugar and just stand over the counter, eating it with a spoon. It'd add up to about 700 calories with the sugar mixed in. Maybe, I'd even impulsively grab my boyfriend's very last english muffin and swipe it on there. It would taste really good for a moment, but then it'd be gone. I'd tell myself that I can't buy any more nut butter for at least another two grocery trips because I'll just eat it all again too quickly. Later in the day, I'd feel guilty for polishing off the jar. I'd try to work it off in the gym, forcing myself to do extra reps and thinking about the "bad" indulgence I'd had. Inevitably, I'd get hungry later tonight, and try to fill up on an inadequate meal to make up for earlier.

Instead, I'm writing my feelings out in my journal, and finding out why I want to console myself with one of the very last things left in the kitchen at the moment. Why? Well, I am bummed that both of my friends who were going to go to a yoga class with me tonight can't make it. I am irritated that I can't go to the gym earlier because I can't drive. I am also irritated that I can't run errands on my own, that I don't have a car or the ability to go out on my own. I am upset that I have to sit in the house for 5+ hours while my boyfriend vegges out and watches Gundam. I am sour about him being needy first thing when I wake up, complaining to me, irritating me immediately. HE can clean the cat box on his own. HE can pick up the little mess the cats made while we were sleeping... but he doesn't. It's allllll my job. Usually I am not irritated by these things, but I am today. I just want to do things on my own. I don't want to wait for anyone else -- for a ride, for money, for the opportunity, for when he feels like it. I want to be busy, all the time, on my own. I want to have a packed schedule full of productive, fun, energizing things all day to keep me occupied with life. Certainly, I can choose to do this at home. There's plenty of things to do at home: cleaning, preparing/organizing things, doing artwork/crafts, video games, yoga, laundry, body weight exercises, painting my nails, etc. I guess it's just the fact that I can't do what I want, when I want, how I want. Things could be SO much easier if I could just have my own car/transportation. He could sit on his ass all day long, while I ran all the errands, went to the gym, came home and made dinner. We would never run out of things we need; I would always be willing to get out of the house and drive with the exception of horrible weather. I'd always go get his unhealthy cigarettes and sodas for him. Who am I trying to kid? This is never going to happen. It makes me angry.

Right now, I want to compulsively over-eat bad things because I am sad, irritated, and angry at the fact that I am limited in my ability to go out and do errands. I feel oppressed, and want more control over my own life. Eating something sugary is not going to fix this. What is going to fix this? Nothing, for now. I don't need a job. I don't need a car. I don't need to run errands by myself. I don't need to be independent. That is discouraging, but maybe I can fix it in other ways.... For now, I guess I can just console myself with cleaning/exercising/hobbies around the house. That, at least, is exponentially more productive than making myself feel bad by eating things I don't need to eat, when I am not hungry. Hopefully I can keep a level head throughout the day, and just take it one day at a time, without too much focus on tomorrow.
At this moment, I am strong, I will stay positive, and keep calm in this moment. There is just no time for negativity today.

[CiKi90]

Tuesday, feb 19th:

Basics:
sleep: fair. Had a nightmare though
supplements: AM: GNC, 2 zinc, 2 l-glutamine, 2 digest gold. PM: 10g BCAA, 2l-glutamine, 4 fiber, 2 aloe, 2 Miralax, 2 magnesium.
WOD: ran 1 mile in 7:48. Did the "push" day, felt strong. I did extra reps on every set. Maybe I can up the weights soon!
diet: food at home was sparse in the AM...went grocery shopping in the afternoon, thank gods.
B: a smoothie with coffee, carton coconut milk, 1/2 frozen banana, frozen cherries. Later: 50-60g chickpeas mixed with almond butter (I don't know)
D: part rotisserie chicken breast, chicken leg. A carrot, 50g avocado, a tomato, some strawberries, and 3 small squares 88% dark chocolate. I also had another spoonful of almond butter mixed with organic sugar free maple syrup, and a slenderize Fuze. Not the primal-est of days, but not god-awful.

I noticed that taking a full dose (10g) of BCAA definitely helped my workout and fueled me to work harder. I had yet another day of no binging, although I did eat quite a bit for dinner! It wasn't out of control or emotionally driven, though, so that was good. Throughout the day I had urges to eat almond butter and sugar, and I did indulge in some almond butter, but I didn't finish off the whole container! There is still some I the freezer, lol. I did, however, cave in and purchase some PB2, which is totally not primal, but I love it so much in my smoothies, mixed in with yogurt, and pumpkin purées that I figure it can't be worse than digging into my boyfriends stash of Peter Pan peanut butter-- that stuff has a horrible ingredient list. I also bought some not-so-primal sugar free maple syrup. It has malitol in it, and maple flavoring, but that's about it. I used to buy Cary's sugar free syrup, which tastes awful and has a disgusting ingredient list, and is about the same price as this stuff. I know, it's a crutch, but as I am currently just trying to focus on not eating grains, I am allowing some iffy things until I completely have no cravings for bread. I'm doing well... I did take a sample of pound cake at whole foods, but hey... Who can resist free all-butter pound cake?! I'm sure a lot of the die-hard cavemen out there could have easily passed it up, but I'm just starting out! On a positive note, I successfully sliced up a baguette without eating a crumb, made southern biscuit kolaches for bob and josh without nibbling away at leftovers, and (unrelated to avoiding grains) only ate 3 small squares of an 88% chocolate bar without going back for the rest, later! Every little positive decision I make toward eating more primally, mindfully, and intuitively will get me that much closer to a healthy lifestyle!

[CiKi90]

Wednesday feb 20th:

Basics
sleep: went to bed earlier than usual, woke up reaaalllly early, and couldn't go back to bed for a few hours. Had another odd dream. I felt well rested, though.
supplements: Note to self: NEVER take these on an empty stomach again!!!!!!! AM: 2 zinc, 1000mg vitamin c, GNC, 1 l-glutamine, 1 digest gold. Got extremely sick after taking all of this on an empty stomach, wanted to dieeeeee!!!!!
PM: 2 aloe Vera, 2 l-glutamine, 2 Miralax, 3 magnesium, 2 digest gold. 4 fiber.
diet: b: only consumed half my coffee before I got sick from the vitamins.... Ugh.
L: BAS with diced chicken leg meat, avocado, green pepper, carrot, red onion, grape tomatoes, lemon juice and 1 tsp walnut oil. After I had a couple strawberries and a nibble of Brie.
D: (planned) homemade buffalo stew: chunks of buffalo met, purple potatoes, carrots, celery, onions, mushrooms, cooked in chili powder, cayenne pepper, diced tomatoes, tomato sauce, garlic, and Kerrygold butter. Threw some rotisserie chicken bones in there for flavor since I didn't have any broth.
Edit: after dinner I had like 1/4 cup almond butter, mixed with sugar free maple syrup, PB2, and pumpkin purée. And 3 88% dark chocolate squares.... And a cup of hot tea with unsweetened carton coconut milk. Sweet tooth got me tonight. :/

Being nauseous from supplements today really messed up my whole day. I woke up in such a good meal, feeling great. I had planned to go to the gym for a sprinting session, but after laying on the couch in pain for nearly an hour, I think I'll have to skip it for today and just try to get 2 cardio sessions in another time. I feel that weight lifting, right now, is more important than sprinting. Tomorrow is a yoga class, then Friday may be a sprinting day. Saturday or Sunday, then, can be a weight lifting day. I have no idea what my social life is going to look like for the rest of the week, except for the yoga class and hookah on Thursday. I never know about parties until the last second, anyway, not that they're any fun anymore. None of my friends come out anymore, and I haven't seen some of them in months! It's nearly I possible for anyone to commit to anything anymore, and it's discouraging to even try these days. Ahh well... I'll just be content over here with the few friends I have left, make delicious meals for them, work out, play games, and have fun.

Edit: I'm a little disappointed that I finished off the almond butter... But now I can't be tempted with the rest of it, since its gone. Also, I counted calories loosely, and I think I'm under 1600, so no damage done...maybe I ate more than I thought, though! So knows. Ah well... I'm active, recovering, and relearning how to nourish my body. I am thankful that I am not under or over weight. I am physically healthy, just need to get the mentality to match.

[CiKi90]

Thursday feb 21st (only one month till spring!!!!!!!)

Basics
sleep: slept 10 full hours! Had dreams again. That didn't really happen during my hungry days. Guess my creativity is flowing again.
supplements: too scared to take all my vitamins today from yesterday's nausea... So AM just consisted of 2 l-glutamine, and digest gold.
diet: hungry today....
B: carton unsweetened almond milk & coffee, Xyience energy drink. 2 or 3 Chicken & Waffle Lays potto chips (had to try the newest flavor. Read the label, and handed the bag back to the bf immediately. But... They were tasty, I hate to admit that.)
L: 1 Fuji apple, 100g chicken, 20g blue cheese, 5g walnut oil, red onion, salad greens.
S: canned puréed pumpkin, PB2, a few pistachios, 2 squares 88% dark chocolate. A nibble of brie off my bf's plate.
D: (planned) the rest of the buffalo stew. Soooo yummy, I wish I had more!

I haven't weighed myself in a week or so. That's what's on my mind at the moment, along with the way things used to be.... The way I'd freak out over eating this amount in a day, let alone a few hours. I don't really freak about quantities anymore. I remember, once, I cried for two hours and exercised for an hour straight because I ate 5 thin mint cookies. That was the only thing i ate for the day, I was so upset with myself for "losing control." Yeah, thin mint cookies are by no means healthy, but I think it was something like 250-300 calories. I can eat that nowadays without batting an eyelash! I never thought I'd be able to do that. I never imagined I'd eat a stew that I created myself, with potatoes, butter, and big chunks of meat, without having a conniption. Another time, not too long ago, I remember crying in a restaurant because I could see the oil only chicken breast. I was shaking and crying, so distraught over oil on my food. I hastily dabbed at it with my napkin and tried not to make a scene. I tried to calculate in my head how many ounces were on the plate.... I don't even know how I could so blatantly become terrified and phobic of gaining weight. I look back at my former self, and I am sad for her. I want her to enjoy herself, to be able to listen/engage in a conversation while there was food around, to not fear drinking liquids because the number on the scale may go up, to not worry about the way she looks from every visible angle, and wonder if people thought i was too fat or too skinny. I know, I am being very reflective about my past, but I feel that it's okay to be that way. As long as I am not "reminiscing" about the good ol days when I was deathly thin and miserable, and instead noticing how much better I am in every way, reflecting can be a positive thing.
There were so many times I remember myself wishing that I could be one of those people that could "eat whatever they want without gaining weight," and guess what? My wish came true. I am one of those people. I do eat whatever I want. Today I had cheese, chocolate, fatty oil, dark meat chicken, and a whole entire apple. I feel awesome about it, too. And if I want more cheese, or chocolate, or fatty chicken, or another apple.... I will most certainly have one. I can enjoy it, and be assured that this fuel is going toward my day... Allowing me to be a strong weight-lifter, a fast runner, a balanced yogi, a passionate lover, a creative artist, a talented chef, or even a lazy couch potato. I am not forced by my limited, restricted diet to worry about fainting in the shower, falling down the stairs, getting tired on a short walk, being cold in 75 degree weather, or taking a nap when I needed to be productive. I can do anything now that I am fueling my body with the highest quality fuel available!

[CiKi90]

Friday feb 22:

basics
sleep 9 hours.woke up menstrating, ugh.
supplements am: 2 Advil, 1 digest gold. Pm: 15g BCAA, 2 Miralax, 4 fiber, 3 aloe, 3 magnesium, 1 digest gold. Bought a new multi today.
wod pull day, felt horrible though. Ran 1 mile in 6:41. Did a few extra reps.
diet b: coconut milk and coffee, and a few strawberries.
L: 2 oz salmon wrapped in a nori sheet with carrot, cucumber, wasabi, and avocado. Salad w/ avocado, 2oz chicken, cherry tomatoes, a carrot, and a cucumber.
Not too hungry, but I may have dinner. Maybe I'll just go to bed? So worn out.

edit had a container of 2% Fage with a banana, pistachios, chia seeds, stevia, and sugar free maple syrup. Kinda wish I'd had chicken or a hot meal, though. There's always tomorrow!

I really hate being constantly on and off my period all the time nowadays. I don't even know what to do about it! I am certainly not going to take dopa-provera now that I've read the reviews on it.
Positives today: exercised through my painful cramps, got groceries for bobby, got new shampoo... Hard to look at the positives when I'm feeling so icky.
Bobby was in a bad mood most of the day. He was really irritated about driving me to the gym, but I really don't know any way to remedy that other than me getting some sort of transportation... I absolutely cannot just stay at home all day and do only at-home workouts. I was also annoyed at having to buy him all the bad groceries at the "normal" grocery store.... He was almost sucked in by those evil Girl Scouts, too! We got 3 different types of bread! English muffins, Italian bread, and sandwich bread. Plus frozen biscuits, and cold cereal. I made him pasta for dinner, too. His favorite. Still didn't seem to cheer him up. Ugh. How can I be in a good mood consistently if he's being so moody about random things?! Ah well. Time for Fashion Police, then bed, maybe. Goodnight

edit I am getting ready for bed now, trying to wind down. I want to try and recognize that while today was not the most exciting day, things weren't necessarily bad. A lot of people had genuinely awful days today, but I was not one of them. I must remember that no news is good news!
For the weekend, I am looking forward to going out to the outlet mall. I know we're going for bobby, but I am hoping to get some new bras, some candles, and maybe some workout clothes? I feel that I'm always asking him for things, but how am I supposed to get new things if I don't ask? He never just offers to get me new things, unless it is something that I absolutely do not need. He is an impulsive shopper, and I usually like to save my purchases for when I reaaalllly want or need something. If I only got things when he offered and never asked, I'd have a closet full of summer dresses, underwear, lingerie, and off-beat but still cute clothes. Impractical, to say the least. On top of shopping, I also want to go to the hookah bar on Saturday night, and get one more training or cardio session in at the gym on Sunday. It really depends on how I feel though.. As far as cooking goes for this weekend, I'm sure ill be making the tried-and-true favorite of Bobby's: fried chicken and buttery broccoli with tons of dinner rolls. Hah. I don't think he realizes how much hard work it is to bread and fry things. For me, though, I have plenty of meats to choose from: pork chops, chicken thighs, chicken breasts, shrimp, smoked salmon, tinned tuna, bacon, prosciutto, and eggs of course. I'm really giddy about trying out some new spices, and I'd love to make the chicken thighs and courgette with ras al hanout. I still need to use up the sweet potatoes too, though! Maybe s. potato hash? Bacon & eggs? Plenty of BAS, cos I'm stocked up on veg Ohhh, decisions! At least i know I'll have a full schedule this weekend. I'm looking forward to it!

[CiKi90]

Saturday feb 23
basics
sleep I slept horribly. Awful gas pains, pms cramps, bloating, and outside noise kept me up for most of the night.
supplements still iffy on taking my AM meds from the empty stomach vitamin episode. AM was 1 l-glutamine, 2 simethicone, 2 advil, and a digest gold. PM was 3 aloe, 3 magnesium, 4 fiber, 2 Miralax, 2 more Advil, and 2 l-glutamine.
WOD didn't go to the gym today, my period was too painful. I hate it! I did walk around at the outdoor outlet mall for a couple hours, though. Hopefully I'll feel good enough tomorrow to at least get some yoga in, if not, the gym!
diet B: iced dandelion tea
L: 3 squares 99% Lindt cacao. Bitter! My bf got a bar of Lindt milk chocolate with raspberry filling. I tried it.... Burned my throat!
D: green salad w/cucumber, red onion, 1/2 avocado, grilled mango and cherry tomatoes, and greens with EVOO, grilled shrimp and smoked salmon on top. After I had a pot of 2% Fage with honey mixed in.
Afterward I had an odd concoction of mashed chickpeas (not primal, I know!) 1/2 banana, some honey, and spices to help with pms: cinnamon, turmeric, and a pinch of saffron. Weird, I know, but I think it's helping already. Also, the odd taste/texture left me satisfied, I don't really want more, no real urge to binge.

Overall, today was emotionally pretty good. Physically, I feel like crap. My body hurts so bad, and I'm not even supposed to be menstruating, also, my excessive use of sugar free maple syrup the night before left my stomach killing me all night and most of the day today. I used to have that stuff all the time, but I'm so sensitive now! I guess that's what outs the mal in malitol: it's so bad! No better than aspartame, I guess. No more for me! From a primal perspective, I guess today wasn't terrible, either. I had no grains at all, but I did have dairy, and milk chocolate. I had honey, but that's ok in moderation.... And I had chickpeas. But those were the last of them, so no more is left. Now I can't be tempted with them, even though I love them!

I have a lot of things to get done tomorrow, and I'll be happy if I get them all finished. In order from most important to least:
1. Do some type of exercise
2. Clean at least 1 room of the house
3. Laundry
4. Make chicken thighs and courgette with ras al hanout

Emotionally/mentally, I would like to:
1. Meditate in the evening for 20 mins
2. Remember to appreciate my meal and show gratitude
3. No negativity toward my body, even with feeling icky because of pms
4. Put my energy toward something creative, like drawing.

Trying to recover to a healthy state of mind and a healthy body is really difficult when I'm a,ways on my period. It makes me emotionally unstable, does whacky things to my body (water weight) and doesn't allow for the "stress relief" that helped me get through a lot of bad nights. It is tolling on my relationship, though he's been so patient with me. I really do appreciate that he's stuck by me when I was so sick, and is still diligently loving and caring for me, being my rock through these hard ( but not the hardest) times.

This week, I've gone over maintenance only 2 times, and had a moderate deficit the other times. While I am worried about gaining more/too much weight, I feel that if I kept exercising, it won't be a problem and my body will settle at an ideal place. Right now, I guess I just feel worse than usual because of water weight and bloating. I wouldn't dare weigh myself right now, though. I'll wait until I am thoroughly and completely finished menstruating for an update on that. Last time I checked, I was 107lbs and 11% body fat. Ideally, this is where I want to stay... But realistically, I cannot maintain such a low bf%. I guess going from 4% to 11% in a matter of months will just feel odd no matter what. Maybe one day I'll get used to it, and be happy and confident with the Primal body I should have. But this, this is still a process. The least I can do is try to stay positive along the way.

[CiKi90]

Sunday, feb 24th
basics
sleep meditated before bed, slept really well most of the night. bob kept waking me for no reason though, outside noises were disturbing. didn't want to wake up, felt fatigued after 8 hours so i slept 1 more hour.
supplements slacking on the multis. gotta get back in the habit! AM: 1 l-glutamine, 2 advil. PM: 2 l-glutamine, 3 aloe, 2 miralax, 3 magnesium, 4 fiber. I also scooped up some tumeric in a capsule and took it, maybe it'll help me be healthier. i dunno.
WOD absolutely nothing, so fatigued from TOM. at least I got some housework done though...
diet B: flax milk and coffee with stevia
D: 1 pan seared pork chop with red wine sauce, 1/2 apple and 1/2 onion, frozen boiled spinach and 1/2 baked sweet potato.
S: 1 string cheese, 2/3 banana, Slenderize Fuze, Neuro Bliss, 3 squares 99% dark choc.

Today was miserable. My TOM is awful, I was in a bad mood all day. I was stuck in the house, feeling sorry for myself, whining and just being shitty in general. I got laundry done, and I cleaned up the bathroom & kitchen a little bit. I was really sour when Bob wanted me to go to the Mexican restaurant with him and Brian, because I wanted to make dinner for us. I need to learn how to be more lenient and flexible with my eating. I have to admit, I could have easily ordered something off the menu from that place, but my fear of the meat being of questionable quality stopped me. I was also aware that if I started eating there, then I'd be tempted with non-Primal things like tortillas. Not horrible, but not the best either. Maybe when I"m feeling more confident I'll try their barbacoa or lengua taco, without the tortilla, and maybe some guac salad on the side. Sounds legit, but I was just being stubborn. I did make some art, also. I got a lot of things done except working out, which was the most important thing for me. But when I feel this awful it's hard to convince myself to do much of anything. I'm just glad that I didn't laze about the entire day and stuff my face. I am afraid, however, that my intuitive eating is leading me down a path to restrict a little bit. I feel full now, after just having a little bit of banana and coconut oil, and I"m not sure how many calories I've had today, but I'm pretty sure it's under 1200 calories. Maybe I'll get extra hungry in a few days and be glad that I've been in a deficit. I don't know. I just need to trust that my body doesn't physically want food right now, and when it does, it'll let me know.

[CiKi90]

Thursday feb 28

basics
sleep magnesium supplements + 4 mile run + big dinner = awesome sleep. 10 hours, no trouble falling back asleep after migrating to the bedroom from falling asleep on the couch.
supplements raw food multi for women, l-glutamine, PM will consist of aloe caps, 3 magnesium, 4-5 fiber, 2 Miralax, and more l-glutamine.
WOD yesterday I ran 4mi. Today I have plenty of options: yoga at home, yoga class with lacy, short weight lifting routine at gym, or nothing! So far I did a very easy Pilates routine with resistance bands.
diet green tea powder w/ a little cows milk and flax milk. Shared a Fuji apple with bobby, then had a couple almonds and a carrot.

accomplishments for February:
I have gone without gluten or grains for exactly two weeks now! Yay! The rice ball cookies are very tempting but I don't want to break my streak. I have also kept up with exercise, even working out during PMS, at least 3 times a week, even more sometimes. My bingeing habits have seemed to die down a lot. I still snack at night but have not felt that uncontrollable urge for a short while now. I have been going over maintenance calories less and less, and actually care about calories less and less as time passes. I never thought that I'd be bothered by counting calories, but as I make sure that I am eating nutritious foods, it seems like a waste of time. I don't feel the need to get to a certain (low) number of calories, and feel pretty confident that if I overeat, the nutrients are going toward repair, or being used for energy at the gym, or I will simply feel like eating less at my next meal. I am learning that everything will even out if you give your body the right tools to work with.

Goals for March!
short term goals:
1.) continue the grain free streak!
2.) gratuity for food/animal fuel
3.) strength training 3-4x week (body weight included)
4.) cardio 2-3x week
5.) sex every day
long term goals:
1.) reduce/eliminate sugar AND stevia
2.) eliminate peanut butter
3.) reduce dairy consumption
4.) run 10-12 miles a week
5.) remember that this month is dedicated to getting the ideal body for spring and summer! Florida trip is just 32 days away!
6.) increase all major muscle strength training up to body weight (100lbs at least) and increase minor muscle groups by 10lbs by the end of march.

I've got to keep my focus on staying strict about my new lifestyle. A perfect month would be to do some type of workout every day, eating about 1400 calories a day, sitting down to be creative at least twice a week, cooking delicious Paleo meals most of the time and only eating on the go or at restaurants 2 or 3 times, meditating every night, and going out more/watching tv less.
I've got a lot on my plate for this month, but if I take this one step at a time, then it won't seem overwhelming. I just have to realize that giving up something I enjoy (junk food, sweets, being lazy) will result in a much better life and healthy, happy me. Eventually, all the things I want to do that are bad for me will become less and less appealing, and the healthy thing will become the enjoyable thing!