I'm starting a journal to hold myself accountable as I commit to a month of conscious healing behavior. I've swung back and forth with my weight and disordered eating for too many years, and now, at my highest weight in ages, am miserable. Not only because of the undeniable physical changes, but because of the mental weakness and/or failing they embody.

I weighed 160 lbs on December 9th, and this morning, clocked in at a solid 181. This is not holiday bloat, but the result of a collapse back into debilitating, humiliating binging. I gained the bulk of those 20 lbs in December, and have see-sawed up and down 5 lbs all through January. Despite a setback over the weekend, I will hold myself accountable to the 'happy food rules' and low carb paleo eating plan that I know from experience make me feel amazing. I will keep my gaze up and utilize all of the support and resources available to me, and get 3 solid weeks of positive behavior and change under my belt.

My 'happy food rules' look a lot like a Whole 30, with a few EDNOS healing tactics added.

- measure and plan each meal
-eat only at the table
-mindfulness while eating
-some form of feel-good exercise every day

And I will take extra care to avoid triggers that never fail to send me off the deep end.
-no booze, at all, of any kind, ever.....ever!
-no dried fruit
-no nuts

I hope that maintaining this log of my journey will prove therapeutic and a bolstering source of strength and resolve. I'll be honest about my efforts and failings. I can make changes, and get back to feeling really good.

If you've read this far, good on you. I'll be back later.