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Thread: Help- I seem hell-bent on destroying myself page

  1. #1
    campanella's Avatar
    campanella is offline Senior Member
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    Help- I seem hell-bent on destroying myself

    Primal Fuel
    When I was 10 years old I would sneak and hord candy from everywhere possible and devour it in secret even if I knew my parents wouldn't mind me eating it in their presence. From my earliest school days I was nervous in school and could never eat lunch, but finally became embarrassed about it enough to force myself to eat a piece of white bread every day at lunch. When I got home at 3 pm I would eat a lot more white bread and sugary treats. Then, the sugar cravings started taking over and I would have every bit of sugar available to me in school- a commercial donut everytime it was a friend's birthday, candy from other kids, etc. then lie about it to get more sugar at home. It was like a drug addiction and it continued for a long time with me stuck in the balance of craving sugar but at the same time despising eating in front of people at school.
    I started running cross country and that kept me at a small weight even for the junk I ate. Eventually I found primal and felt like I'd found heaven when I freed myself from the junk I used to feed myself.
    But maybe all was not as simple as appeared, because thinking back, I would eat cups and cups of sweet potatoes until I felt bloated and sick but still not content. And I would eat three meals but when my mom left the kitchen I would run in and sneak several slices of cheese even if I didn't feel hungry, I just felt a frightening drive to stuff myself.
    I stopped running around the same time I went primal and I think I gained about 5 lbs more than was good for me. My mom noticed and blamed the fat I was eating, as well as the portion size, and sometime around there a terrible spiral began where I swore to stop the battle I felt against my unnatural craving to eat, counted every calorie and rarely ate more than 900 calories a day, paranoid of non primal food.That continued most of last summer and I lost about 10 lbs, starving like hell. I came to my senses at a doctor visit in november when they said it was concerning that I lost weight since last year, and my mom started commenting that all my clothes suddenly seemed huge on me and she thought I might not be getting enough starch---

    Problem 2 begins. I started binging on a daily basis. Binging on buttered potatoes and meat and cheese fruit and chocolate, but binging until I was stuffed at almost every meal. My weight skyrocketed almost instantly and I gained 20 lbs in a month and a half, and now I have to stop, or even lose a few, but I can't stop binging. And the binging is getting worse- today I already ate a 4-cup jar of beef stew, a whole bar of chocolate and 2 cups of sugary yogurt- the binges are even getting farther away from primal.
    It is like an obsession. I've been trying to stave off the binging nonstop now. I realized I could stop it somewhat by eating apples every time I wanted to binge, but I ate 4 apples or more a day until I was bloated on apples and my gums bled from the acidity but now I buy high cacao chocolate bars, keep them in my desk and open one and eat until all 500 calories worth are gone.
    Something, somewhere went terribly wrong. This is not how its supposed to be.

    I'm sort of in shock with myself that I just gorged like I did. I can barely waddle but when I finish typing this I'll head out for a 2 mile walk in the park. It's the best I can do, it's the only thing. I wouldn't be so upset if I didn't feel helpless against this. Will it be a lifelong battle? It doesn't matter how good or satiating or satisfying the food is, I crave volume and I feel unfulfilled and desperate unless I am almost sickly full.

    Experiences? Thoughts and suggestions? I am a teen girl

  2. #2
    campanella's Avatar
    campanella is offline Senior Member
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    Another tidbit to mention-
    seemingly the only time I don't have this craving, overcoming necessity for too much food is when I spend a lot of time with other people and feel elated from that. I almost feel like there is some deeper problem here. For example I eat way too much chocolate as a stimulant, and I overeat I suppose because I crave the feeling of over-provision for and having done everything that possibly can be done, if I can explain that.
    It just scares me that food is the medium I use for this

  3. #3
    Derpamix's Avatar
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    Stress triggers this behavior. Stemming from obsessing about food, your image, etc. Seeing as it seems habitual by your last post, pick up another hobby, walk a lot, read, spend more time with friends. Just relax.

    If you binge, don't immediately beat yourself up over it. Just say oh well, and move on. It happens. You'll find if you think of it this way, you'll eventually feel less inclined to binge and eventually break the habit and forget about it.

    My two cents anyway.
    Time is passing so quickly. Right now, I feel like complaining to Einstein. Whether time is slow or fast depends on perception. Relativity theory is so romantic. And so sad.

  4. #4
    EagleRiverDee's Avatar
    EagleRiverDee is online now Senior Member
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    You might have an eating disorder, but you might also have a vitamin/mineral deficiency that your body is trying to compensate for by giving you cravings which cause you to binge.

    Your first step is to tell your parents what you just told us, and ask them to take you to a doctor for bloodwork to check to see if you have a medical cause for this, I think. If you can't tell your parents, perhaps you could speak with your school nurse.
    High Weight: 225
    Weight at start of Primal: 189
    Current Weight: 174
    Goal Weight: 130

    Primal Start Date: 11/26/2012

  5. #5
    qqemokitty's Avatar
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    It is good that you recognize this as a problem while you are young.

    I too developed secret eating and binging habits as a teen. Sneaking food and lying about it, eating 2 lunches and 2 dinners a day, taking 2 desserts, stashing chips under my bed and having 99 cent burgers on the drive home from school etc etc.

    These terrible habits have persisted through adult hood and at my highest weight, I was 347 lbs. Trust me when I tell you that you DO NOT want to go down this road. The longer you continue, the harder it will be to stop.

    Tell your parents, tell a counselor, call a hotline. Do anything to make this not a secret you are bearing alone anymore.

    Don't hate yourself when the binges do happen. Forgive yourself and try to be strong the next time.

    Drink lots of water.

  6. #6
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    Hey Campanella <3

    There's a current thread on disordered eating which you might find useful. http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread74909.html

    I'm in recovery from an ED at the moment, and I feel like I'm making really good progress, but it's still early days. Do check out the thread and share what's going on with you - there are lots of people with eating disorders who come to primal hoping it will help them, and they understand.

    Hugs!
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

  7. #7
    Zach's Avatar
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    I would agree with getting some comprehensive blood testing done as well as seeing a counselor. You could very well have a major deficiency that your body is trying to correct, or you could have an eating disorder or both.

    Also as Derp said, you need to quit the viscous circle of binging, blaming yourself then exercising. Its very common and only gets worse. Break the cycle by trying to eat intuitively, really listen to what your body wants and eat without any embarrassment or regret. Dont punish yourself afterwords with exercise or starvation. Try to find something else that makes you happy that you can focus on and get more exercise for fun.

  8. #8
    Louisa655's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by campanella View Post
    When I was 10 years old I would sneak and hord candy from everywhere possible and devour it in secret even if I knew my parents wouldn't mind me eating it in their presence. From my earliest school days I was nervous in school and could never eat lunch, but finally became embarrassed about it enough to force myself to eat a piece of white bread every day at lunch. When I got home at 3 pm I would eat a lot more white bread and sugary treats. Then, the sugar cravings started taking over and I would have every bit of sugar available to me in school- a commercial donut everytime it was a friend's birthday, candy from other kids, etc. then lie about it to get more sugar at home. It was like a drug addiction and it continued for a long time with me stuck in the balance of craving sugar but at the same time despising eating in front of people at school.
    I started running cross country and that kept me at a small weight even for the junk I ate. Eventually I found primal and felt like I'd found heaven when I freed myself from the junk I used to feed myself.
    But maybe all was not as simple as appeared, because thinking back, I would eat cups and cups of sweet potatoes until I felt bloated and sick but still not content. And I would eat three meals but when my mom left the kitchen I would run in and sneak several slices of cheese even if I didn't feel hungry, I just felt a frightening drive to stuff myself.
    I stopped running around the same time I went primal and I think I gained about 5 lbs more than was good for me. My mom noticed and blamed the fat I was eating, as well as the portion size, and sometime around there a terrible spiral began where I swore to stop the battle I felt against my unnatural craving to eat, counted every calorie and rarely ate more than 900 calories a day, paranoid of non primal food.That continued most of last summer and I lost about 10 lbs, starving like hell. I came to my senses at a doctor visit in november when they said it was concerning that I lost weight since last year, and my mom started commenting that all my clothes suddenly seemed huge on me and she thought I might not be getting enough starch---

    Problem 2 begins. I started binging on a daily basis. Binging on buttered potatoes and meat and cheese fruit and chocolate, but binging until I was stuffed at almost every meal. My weight skyrocketed almost instantly and I gained 20 lbs in a month and a half, and now I have to stop, or even lose a few, but I can't stop binging. And the binging is getting worse- today I already ate a 4-cup jar of beef stew, a whole bar of chocolate and 2 cups of sugary yogurt- the binges are even getting farther away from primal.
    It is like an obsession. I've been trying to stave off the binging nonstop now. I realized I could stop it somewhat by eating apples every time I wanted to binge, but I ate 4 apples or more a day until I was bloated on apples and my gums bled from the acidity but now I buy high cacao chocolate bars, keep them in my desk and open one and eat until all 500 calories worth are gone.
    Something, somewhere went terribly wrong. This is not how its supposed to be.

    I'm sort of in shock with myself that I just gorged like I did. I can barely waddle but when I finish typing this I'll head out for a 2 mile walk in the park. It's the best I can do, it's the only thing. I wouldn't be so upset if I didn't feel helpless against this. Will it be a lifelong battle? It doesn't matter how good or satiating or satisfying the food is, I crave volume and I feel unfulfilled and desperate unless I am almost sickly full.

    Experiences? Thoughts and suggestions? I am a teen girl
    Get yee to a doctor/psychologist and figure out what your emotional problems are. Your actions speak of self-defeating and sabotage......get to the root of the emotional problems and you'll be able to tackle the presenting issue --- binging.
    ----------------------------------------
    F, 48, 5'10"
    Start Date: 25-06-12 @ 161lbs
    Goal Reached: 30-09-12 @ 143lb. Now bouncing between 145lb - 149lb. I'd like less bounce and more consistency :-)

    Started Cross Fit 20.12.12 ---- Can't wait to submit my success story on the 1st anniversary of starting primal.

  9. #9
    SeaHorse's Avatar
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    I had very much the same problem when I was the "sugar burner". Although I was older than you - got exposed to sugary foods after age of 25 -30. I remember I had my sweets stacked away at secret places, I ate at every meal time and between and always had the feeling that I have to find food and eat. I certainly knew that I have enough money to buy food, there are shops everywhere, canteens, caffees, restaurants, bars that serve food, that my mom is waiting me at home with freshly cooked fantastic dinner and that after I will get also supper and snacks, etc..... I kept sugar and wheat foods in my desk at work. I kept chocolate bars in my car. Candy in my handbag. I always had to be sure the supply is big enough. Trying to be sensible, to be "a good girl" did not help. I gave in, accepted it. It was easier psychologically, but the weight kept going up and I began to notice health problems that at the moment I thought were mechanical - because I had to carry around the big weight. Now I know that it was wheat induced inflammation. I found paleo first, then primal. Started with the book "Primal Blueprint". Read it through from lid to lid. It made sense for me. I understood that primal is not just eating fat. Its much more, including movement and play. I managed to switch over from sugar burner to fat burner. Did it slowly and gradually in about 2-3 months. Just one day discovered that I no longer like my oatmeal for breakfast, the other - that my chocolate cookie doesn't go well with my coffee any more. About 1/2 a year into primal cleaned the "wrong" foods away from my kitchen. Which will be more difficult for you, living with your parents if they are not primal. But then reading what you do eat and what you do for exercise and play, I don't think you are really primal, close to primal, yes, but not quite. Have you red the book or just the forum? Here in the forum you will find many people searching the right way for THEM, which may not be the right way for you. My advice - read the book first, if you think you didn't understand something - ask here but be prepared to get contradicting advice. In case of doubt - read the book again. Notice that it is not only about food, there are 10 aspects that makes primal. You should first switch your body to fat burning, not simply give it fat that it doesn't know what to do with (and stacks it away on your thighs) and it still wants sugar and wheat as the usual and comfortable, easy to use food.

  10. #10
    campanella's Avatar
    campanella is offline Senior Member
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    Thank you answerers. Louisa- I think you're right, but it's the stigma that deters me from that route. the stress would wreak more havoc than overeating does.

    Seahorse, I read Mark's blog but not the book. I'm a little unclear of the fat burning v. sugar burning scenario. Right now I eat a lot of fruit and potatoes every day, as a staple, as well as dairy, although not grains (and only recently have I started eating sugar again.) Is 150-200 g carbs per day impeding fat burning metabolism?

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