Rasputina, this is so weird that you started this thread. I'm just implementing a slightly different, but very similar realisation. Last week I gave myself a death sentence - thinking: if this is my last year of life, how will I spend it?
All of a sudden I realised what was important to me, and that life is too finite to spend it doing things that don't make me happy and beating myself up for not being the kind of person I think I should be. If I only had one year to live I wouldnt give a shit anymore - I would do exactly what I want, without hurting anyone.
And it's weird, cos' since that realisation I feel such relief. It's like the pressure of being alive lifted from me. I am going to die and so there's really no point in worrying about "what I'm doing with my life". Most people don't "do anything" with theirs! I'm going to smell the fucking roses, I'm going to celebrate who I am in all my imperfectness, and I'm not going to stress about outcomes that may never occur.
I'm really sorry to hear about your family btw. I lost two young friends in 2012, both very suddenly and tragically (one, 33, to liver cancer, which she was diagnosed with and then died 10 days later; and one, 29, who was murdered) and I know how earth rocking it is. But it seems that you are coming through it with resilience. That's the beauty of the human spirit. “People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”
“I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country..."
― Bill Hicks
"Sometimes eating the wrong food with the right attitude is a better choice than eating the right food with the wrong attitude... That’s how powerful the mind and the heart can be in the healing process."
- Chris Kresser