First off I love the title of your post! I'm also a big guy - current weight around 300 lb. I find that between 3 and 5 hours of low intensity cardio spread over three to four days together with a day of heavy lifting (as long as it takes to do two sets of everything with a small break between them) and a day of sprinting (yes I know us Clydesdales don't move fast) works well for a workout routine. I based mine on the outline from Mark's e-fitness book. With sprinting the key is not speed but all out effort. I do 20 seconds all out then 10 seconds at a slower pace - repeating for 4 minutes then take a two minute break and do the whole thing again - it really kicks your butt. Usually I do my sprints on a bike as it is less wear and tear on my joints. Cardio for me is usually a long bike ride or a walk/hike and heavy lifting is all body weight - I figure for me; how much heavier can it get at 300lbs , right?
Best of luck on your journey! Welcome to MDA.
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"Das Beste oder nichts" - Gottlieb Wilhelm Daimler