Vent for a Crappy Past Few Days
I've had a really shitty past several days. It started Saturday evening and is still going strong. I realize that the only vaguely Primal thing in this post is a desperate desire for sugar and stress release, but I need to get it out.
Saturday evening I get a series of text messages from my mother. Woman still hasn't figured out that you don't pass on horrible news in a method of 160 characters or less. My uncle, who smokes likes a freight train and drinks like a fish, had a massivr stroke. He's in ICU. His entire left side isn't responding. This is the exact same thing that happened to his father at approximately the same age for the exact same reason. My grandfather smoked and drank himself to death via heart attacks and strokes. My uncle(s) ae doing the same thing, but one is trying to quit. The other is in ICU. Because he lived alone, he'll have to move in with someone until he gets his left side functioning again. My mother's family (this is her brother) is not close knit. I can count the relatives I've met on two hands. my other uncle has a ~2 yo son. It will fall to my mother to clean up the mess my uncle got himself into. Add that new member to an already stuffed and stressed house (my sister graduates HS this year, my grandmother has ovarian cancer that she has beat 7 or 8 times and she can no longer live alone, 7 cats, 5 dogs, and several other family problems).
Saturday morning, I go to get a patch on one of my tires for a slow leak. It just barely breaks the rules for a patch, so I've to get a whole new tire to replace one not even a year old. $100 for one of the least expensive tires they had. Highway fucking robbery. Figures.
Sunday, I had too much shit to do, as always. That I'm used to.
This morning, I was foolish enough to ignore my alarm. I woke up late and rushed out the door, already late to work. Not 40 ft from the parking lot of my job, I get into a wreck. My brand fucking new 2010 Hematite gray Corolla is undrivable until I get the body work done because some bitch sped up to make a light that wasn't going anywhere. It's not totaled, I'm not hurt, I have a lot to be thankful for, but the fact remains that I haven't even owned this car a YEAR! I'm irate. And to rub salt in the wound, the fucknig cops write me a ticket for "failure to yield ROW." So I have to show up to court because the cops just had to get their authority on when even DPS and the Smokies wouldn't write a ticket, figuring you were boned enough through the insurance. I'm kicking myself for ignoring that alarm.
My depression is trying to come back full force because we've had a (West TX) uncharacteristic weather incident: 2 full weeks of clouds and rain. I know it's a lack of Vit D, and so I just take a supplement, but the supplement doesn't work anywhere near as well as the sun. I'm starting to hear those suicidal thoughts again, and it scares me.
Add to that the stress of trying to simultaneously get two sets of plans out the door at work and trying not to rip the head off a mooching bitch of an aunt of my husband's that's taking advantage of his folks and feeling some of that old self hate come back, it hurts. I'm stressing, which I know isn't good. I've got so many emotions running through me right now that I can't pull them apart. I think I'm also still some what in shock from the wreck. I just... I just... Fuck, I dunno. It just feels like the universe seriously slipped me several fuck you red cards over the past few days..
Take a breath. Life can really suck sometimes, but it can also be a lot worse. Your uncle could have died and your tire could have blown out on the way to work and caused a bigger accident than the one you were in.
Go lift some weights or beat up a heavy bag. Accept that everything that just happened to you really sucks but you're going to keep moving forward. Take some time off work if you need to. Mainly, block out everyone else (bitchy aunts, family, etc) and focus on keeping yourself healthy and together.
I'm sorry to hear that you're facing so many challenges and feeling so alone right now. I don't have any advice, but I'm sending positive thoughts your way and hoping the sun shines for you soon!
When I get home from work, I'll wear myself out with the sledgehammer. I know it's not as bad as it could be, and I love how supportive my husband's been, but like I said, several "fuck you red cards...."
Awesome, you have a sledge hammer!!
(I might not be getting one of those to help me destress.)
Yep, his name is Fenrir. I'm probably just gonna take him out in the backyard and finish whaling on the remnants of the pigeon coop.
Have some internet ((((HUGS)))) it sounds like you need them.
Go easy on yourself for the next few days. You're undergoing a lot of stress right now. Talk to the people who care about you and tell them what they can do to help you keep your life together. (Hubby checks on you after the alarm? Coworkers spot check your work to make sure nothing's getting through? etc). When people are stressed that's when they get into a state where mistakes slide by and build up into more stress (eg; if you hadn't been late for work and worried about family you probably would have seen the idiot move the other driver was making in time to prevent an accident).
^^This isn't a weakness btw. It's human nature. This is in fact what my company teaches Marine pilots about.
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. Sounds like some quality time with Fenrir will help, but I hope that the stress in your life passes quickly!
I'm really sorry to hear about your bad news and the run of bad luck you just had. I'm concerned to see you mentioned suicidal thoughts. I gather this isn't the first time you've felt bad enough to have thoughts of killing yourself.
You know, suicidal thoughts really indicate a serious problem, one that needs real attention. Whether that turns out to be psychotherapy, antidepressants, both, or some other form of intervention doesn't matter so much as the fact that some attention is needed. Those thoughts are a signal that something is basically amiss.
Please don't try to white-knuckle it through a serious depression: please get some appropriate support, medicine, therapy, whatever, ok?
Please allow me to echo Sooze here: Suicidal thoughts are not to be ignored! I am so very sorry you're going through so much trauma simultaneously, and I'm sure that intellectually you know that each piece needs to be separated and dealt with on its own, but it's the suicidal thinking that's so worrisome. Please, get some professional help and don't ignore depression that serious.