This isn't candle, or food, or health related. But I wanted to write it while it's on my mind.
I was looking at pictures tonight, and came across a lot of pictures of people after their lives had been shattered. People who had lost the ones they loved, people who had lost their homes, people who had lost their lives. And the reactions of these people, and the people around them, hit me pretty hard. The juxtaposition of beauty and life within the horror of death and destruction is utterly amazing. Seeing people who have lost so much, but who continue to live and fight, it refreshes my hope in all of us.
I've been fighting for most of my life. As a kid, I didn't know why I had to fight, just that if I didn't I'd lose the life I had. I'd be taken away. And I'm still fighting. I've lost a lot, and it hurts. I want to scream, and sob, and break down. But I can't. It still hurts, almost a year after losing the life I had. But I know I'm not alone, and I don't need to fight alone.
So I'm just going to continue to quietly walk my path, and do what I can so that no one else ever has to suffer the way I did. And if I fail, and they do suffer, I'll do what I can to be there so they're never alone with it.
It's rather disheartening, I think, to realize that your trials and tribulations mean nothing to anyone but yourself. If someone cares, they care only so they can harvest the warm fuzzies associated with "caring". If it doesn't fit their agenda, or their schedule, they'll choose to ignore whatever it is you've experienced. They'll come back to you, certainly, if you're close, but it'll be when you fit their schedule once again.
This applies equally to what I felt last night and to my attempt at a small fast today. While last night had me sobbing, today had me reminding myself that, while it would be okay to eat, I wasn't going to do it until a specified time. I ended up eating an hour and a half early. I suppose I didn't stay hydrated enough for it to work out, but such is life.
Lights are on tonight. I'm out of candles. Waiting on the new ones to arrive. It feels weird, and I don't like this interruption of my routine.
New candles are here, finally! I need to keep on top of this better, and order my next box earlier, so I don't have to use artificial lighting again.
Week One of Cheat Day has worked out well. I had a single cheat night, and I've been resisting all other temptations. It's a nifty little willpower tool, knowing when you're allowed to do something. Hooray discipline!
This week's main challenge is figuring out some foods that I can cook and bring with me to larp. There's not many healthy options out in the area I play in, so I definitely want to bring something with me. The problem is that it's hard to cook on site, and I need stuff that I can just eat out of the fridge, or microwave and then eat. Thus, cook here, eat there. I'll probably bring some cashews, for quick energy, but determining some proper meal type foods to bring is a bit harder. I guess in part because I don't really eat meals that often. Regardless, I'm sure I'll figure it out and succeed at finally eating healthily at game!
Larped this weekend in the blizzard. Was really fun to run and fight in the snow, and game ended in a massive snowball fight between the 200+ players, and then the staff. Talk about getting in lots of consensual violence and play.
Ate pretty well all weekend, which is a first for me. No starvation, and no resorting to eating entire loaves of bread. I did up my carb intake due to the massively increased activity (walking at least 6 hours each day, in addition to the running and fighting). Got a little bit less sleep than I had wanted, but was able to function fine, and I'm all caught up on the sleep deficit now.
Overall, a rousing success of a weekend.
Last night turned into a cheat night. Got Chinese food. Didn't want to cook (someone I know died, and that puts a rather big damper on things). Today has been better. Soup for lunch, coffee for breakfast, and chicken for dinner.
Been getting back into my routine a bit. Candles at sunset, rather than an hour or two after, doing the dishes during the day, doing some cleaning, and cooking my own food again. It feels really good to get back into this pattern. I think it's even helping me to get back into the swing of things when I'm working. I've made more progress in the last few days than I have in the last few weeks.
The unfortunate thing is that I'm going away for the weekend again. x_x I'll do my best to get back into the swing of things when I'm back, though!
Hurray routines! I went back into it fully, and didn't watch tv or play games up until bed time. Instead I sat in the candlelight and got a bit depressed before moving on to learning something I'd wanted to for almost a year now. Once I started actually doing something, instead of moping about how I couldn't do anything, the night improved vastly. The sleep quality was great, and I went to bed at my actual bed time. And I looked forward to it, instead of seeing it as an interruption of the oh so important duties of conquering the world in CiV.
Woke up this morning feeling pleasantly refreshed and decided to go for a walk first thing (decision made due to yesterday's blog post). The walk was nice, though I think I need some sunglasses next time; the glare of the snow was obnoxious.
Signed up for the Primal meal plan. Did my first real shopping for it tonight. Hoping that adding more veggies to my diet will help, and having less crap around will definitely help.
Something I noticed while trying to do the eating plan: I have trouble eating enough. I usually skip breakfast and lunch, waiting until I absolutely can't stand it anymore before I start eating for the day (usually late afternoon or early evening).
The candlelight thing is still going well. It is far more pleasing to work by the orange glow, or read, or whatever, than by the harshness of artificial lighting. The difference between the types of light is pretty noticeable to me now: I can spend an entire evening in blue light (I prefer not to, but sometimes for social occasions or late work nights, it happens), but a few minutes after I turn off all the lights, and light up the candles, my brain starts to pump out the melatonin and I get drowsy. Considering I'm an insomniac, I find this to be absolutely wonderful. Sleepiness when I need it, when I should have it, rather than being awake until sunrise.
Improvised a meal from the meal plan last night. Went with diced tomatoes, ground bison, and onions with some spices, and moz cheese sprinkled on top. I need to fine tune the shopping list and stuff. I don't do breakfast, and I can cut out a big chunk of change by not buying the breakfast ingredients.
Following the plan has shown me that I definitely need to build up my kitchen more. I can't get by with just a single pot and a two skillets.