question for those of you long married (and still happy) page

[badgergirl]

Since this place attracts freethinkers I'm expecting to get both practical and oddball advice, but what the hell - something might stick.

The situation:
Husband and I have been married ten years and we have a nearly five-year-old. We get on, rub along, tolerate each other well. There are no blazing rows, but times are tough and we are run ragged by various unfortunate life events (long-term unemployment = him, unsatisfactory employment = me; homesickness = me [I'm an expat]; the joys of parenting a very challenging and bright little boy [both of us]). We love each other, there is care and affection, but we are no longer in love. I find it nigh on impossible to manufacture any kind of spark between us - not sex (that's not the problem, per se), but passion. I find it amazingly easy to project desire, passion and even that magical in-love feeling on to others, but not my poor, long-suffering husband.

The question:
How in a long-term relationship does one fall back in love once that feeling has gone, gone, gone?

The postscripts/constraints
We're broke. We're knackered. We have maybe two hours each week night and three or four at the weekend. Babysitting is a very scarce commodity. We are very different people with different interests, aesthetics and social needs (we share a similar ethical outlook and have similar life goals).

[RitaRose]

Okay, I don't count as "long married", but I do have 2 failed marriages (seriously awful stuff where I had to leave), oneof which lasted 13 years, and I'm in an incredibly happy relationship now - coming up on 3 years together. I know that doesn't sound like much, but I can pretty much guarantee we'll be together until one of us dies.

One thing I can point to as being drastically different in this relationship that was missing from the other relationships is how much we appreciate each other. We are constantly doing things for each other (and I don't mean buying things) and then we make sure we earnestly express our appreciation for those things, no matter how small.

I know it doens't sound like a big deal, but it makes a huge difference. Make sure your husband knows you've got his back no matter what, and do little things that he'll notice make his life a little better. It's contagious in a good relationship.

For instance, The Boyfriend is really bugged when the trash in the kitchen starts to get a little... tall. And he does seem to be the only one that ever empties it, so I took the trash out first thing this morning before he woke up. He worked late last night, so I made sure I left some deviled eggs in the fridge for him. I bring the paper in every morning so it's there when he gets up and doean't have to go out in the cold. Those are small things, but things he really appreciates.

He, on the other hand, washes my car without me ever asking, takes care of any travel plans (he's better at them) and volunteers to visit my mom with me. That just makes me love him even more, and I let him know that. He still opens car doors for me, and I still thank him every time. It just works.

I sent him an email once, "50 Reasons Why I Love You", and he said it took everything he had to keep from forwarding it to everyone he knew. I also wrote a fairy tale version of how we met, and he still has it in the drawer next to the bed years later. It makes him feel special, and I think that's one of the most important factors in keeping a love affair strong.

[sbhikes]

Wow, that's so sweet, RitaRose.

You ask a good question, badgergirl and I look forward to the answers. I'd give you some if I had any, but I don't.

[jacmac]

Married for 23 years this Feb and we have a 50 year contract. After that we go week to week

This allows for those times you speak of that are just crap , when you don't really like on another. But knowing that we are in it for the long haul is the magic as we just keep on keeping on.

Love changes over time and there are swings and roundabouts in every relationship not just romantic ones.

Keep respecting each other and the fact that you are asking this questions shows that you are invested in your relationship.

[Blacksmith]

I've been married for 12 years, together for 15. Have 2 kids which we both do a good job raising. We get along very well rarely ever fight but in spite of all this we are still divorcing (not my idea).
I tried all the things listed by RitaRose and quite frankly did the lions share of household upkeep. We went through many tough challenges together but sometimes you just cant change the way someone feels, or yourself for that matter.

One thing i did do which for a bit worked out well for a bit was in inhouse date night. We did not have alot of available babysitting either. I would make a special dinner which we would eat after the kids went to bed, spend sometime talking and laying by the fireplace and afterwards some... well you know. I noticed it started to go downhill when after dinner instead of fire and stuff it was the couch and facebook.

Not sure if this is good advice or scary story but hopefully your situation will change and things will turn around for you.

[LauraSB]

Married for 23 years this Feb and we have a 50 year contract. After that we go week to week

That is the cutest thing ever!

We've been married 25yrs and some of those years have been crap. Sometimes more than one year in a row. Life can be hard on a relationship, but jacmac is right, being committed to the long haul is magic. It gives you the motivation to get better and better at it, even when it feels like you're going nowhere. After 25 yrs, we are back to being like newlyweds, only 1000x better.

Looking back, I think it can be hard to tell whether you're really not "in love" anymore or whether life has just sucked the life out of you. It's hard to be excited about anything when you're emotionally exhausted. Couples often turn on each other when outside pressures push them to their breaking point. I think that's only human. So if you two can ride this out, what's on the other side will be sweeter than you can imagine. I am *so* grateful that our lives and finances were so intertwined that divorce always seemed like the bigger PITA.

[NZ primal Gwamma]

Badgergirl - life is fraught with difficulties, and in this time of disposables - its great that you are in it for the long haul. DH and I have been married just over 28 years, and by gum we have done it hard. We have worked long huge hours on the farm, struggling with little money. Have had 5 premmies, 2 of which died, we have endured a daughter with cancer, DH nearly died from an horrendous illness.......yadda yadda ya. I could go on about all the hardships, the times I have left, and then crawled back to the security, the ups the downs.........but I won't because every single one of us has a story to tell. I absolutley hate the way our world has become so disposable....people change their clothes with the fashions........pregnant by mistake, that can be dealt with, married divorced.
I am not knocking all the people who have done these things, because sometimes there is more to it, but its too easy
Marriage, partnerships, parenting is all hard HARD work, and we have to work at it constantly. Yes I am in this for the long haul, but right now we are on automatic pilot. We so need to put some fun back into out marriage - not sure how but we will start with a date night once a month.
When our children were little we lived remotely, with no family support, so I got a few mums together to share children. This worked really well. We kept a rough count of hours used/owed, and it just mean't that we could have the odd night out, without paying a babysitter.
The other thing that we have done throughout our marriage (because of our remoteness), is make our own fun. We would have a pot luck party, or a rugby game night, dress up party, or fish and chip/movie night. Everyone would bring the whanau and a shared tea. It mean't that we could all relax together.
One other thing that I think is fundamentally important - is that each of you have your own interests that you are allowed to pursue and enjoy, without badgering or nagging from the other. YOu have got to get out and about, to be able to appreciate what you have. It doesn't have to cost money either, gardening, walking, running, swiming in the river....
anyway good luck with the whoosh !
G

[Rusty]

Make sure there is no out, no one is allowed to yell divorce, or "I'm leaving". Never invite a third person into your marriage (affair, advice, parent, "friend",).

The only one who can work on your marriage is you. You can only fix you, not him. Start with yourself. If you don't "feel" passion, then find it, or just make it up. Fantasize about him and only him. Do the little things. Don't dump on him. Don't launch into an emotional tirade at him. Build him up. Talk him up to all your friends, to the point where they think he is walking on water!

Yep, that's you doing ALL the work. You are doing all the work, because you are the one with the issue. Whether you are "in love" or "IN LOVE" is up to you.

[badgergirl]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and heartfelt advice. More please!

I've been married for 12 years, together for 15. Have 2 kids which we both do a good job raising. We get along very well rarely ever fight but in spite of all this we are still divorcing (not my idea).
I tried all the things listed by RitaRose and quite frankly did the lions share of household upkeep. We went through many tough challenges together but sometimes you just cant change the way someone feels, or yourself for that matter.

One thing i did do which for a bit worked out well for a bit was in inhouse date night. We did not have alot of available babysitting either. I would make a special dinner which we would eat after the kids went to bed, spend sometime talking and laying by the fireplace and afterwards some... well you know. I noticed it started to go downhill when after dinner instead of fire and stuff it was the couch and facebook.

Not sure if this is good advice or scary story but hopefully your situation will change and things will turn around for you.

This is pretty much where we're at, minus the divorce bit (and I work while he does the house stuff - neither of us playing to our strengths, there). So often it feels as though we only relate to each other in a functional way - caring, loving, even, but functional. There's no sense of romance, anticipation or excitement between us. There's no buzz. Am I mad to think that this should/can be part of a long-term marriage? And I do want a long-term marriage, but not an unsuccessful one. I'd rather quit now than spend the next ten years fighting the inevitable. However, part of me thinks that to give up now (and this is not the first rough patch or even the roughest rough patch we have been through and come out of) would be a profound mistake.

We do love each other. We are not in love. How do we fall back in love with each other? Do we have to stare into each other's eyes and listen to each other for 30 minutes?

[Goldie]

That is the cutest thing ever!

We've been married 25yrs and some of those years have been crap. Sometimes more than one year in a row. Life can be hard on a relationship, but jacmac is right, being committed to the long haul is magic. It gives you the motivation to get better and better at it, even when it feels like you're going nowhere. After 25 yrs, we are back to being like newlyweds, only 1000x better.

Looking back, I think it can be hard to tell whether you're really not "in love" anymore or whether life has just sucked the life out of you. It's hard to be excited about anything when you're emotionally exhausted. Couples often turn on each other when outside pressures push them to their breaking point. I think that's only human. So if you two can ride this out, what's on the other side will be sweeter than you can imagine. I am *so* grateful that our lives and finances were so intertwined that divorce always seemed like the bigger PITA.

This. Exactly.

Hubby and I have also been together for 25 years, raised 3 children, and he was military special ops--so his job was always #1 priority--or so it seemed at times.

I want to stress what Laura wrote: I think it can be hard to tell whether you're really not "in love" anymore or whether life has just sucked the life out of you. It's hard to be excited about anything when you're emotionally exhausted.

If you want romance, excitement, anticipation, you have to make them possible. That's MUCH harder to do when you physically and emotionally exhausted. I don't know if it's possible to recreate that first love/lust/blissfully staring into each other's eyes type feeling. IMO, though, the sense of security and depth of commitment you feel after enduring the crap times more than makes up for not having that breathless emotion.

With us, sometimes it was just a matter of putting up with the crap. We're both stubborn about making our relationship last, so there's no way we would have ever considered divorce. And Laura is correct: ride it out because what's on the other side is sweeter than you can imagine!