Page 9 of 10 FirstFirst ... 78910 LastLast
Results 81 to 90 of 97

Thread: question for those of you long married (and still happy) page 9

  1. #81
    cori93437's Avatar
    cori93437 is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    central FL
    Posts
    6,715
    Primal Fuel
    Quote Originally Posted by momrn View Post
    I'm asking this sincerely, without any sarcasm or sneering--

    If passion/sexuality were no longer possible with your husband, would you leave?

    From my previous post, I'm sure you can tell how I would answer this. The marriage bond transcends sexuality for me. Whether it's taken by physical or mental illness doesn't matter. It's for better or worse. I won't die from no sex even if I never have it again.

    Just me.
    I know I wasn't the person you were directing that at, but I think there is a HUGE difference in there being a physical inability to complete the sex act and just having a partner who doesn't care about you enough to seek help with an issue so that you can have normal sexual relations.

    If my husband were injured or became disabled that is one thing... we would work around it, work together towards other solutions, etc. But I would continue to be a sexual person... likely with him as there are ways to have sexual contact even without an intact penis.

    If my partner simply ignored my sexual, touching, and comfort needs because he decided he didn't give a shit about me, that's a completely different problem. Yes, I would work long and hard to try and get him to come around to being involved through any means necessary including therapy... but a person who just flat refuses to acknowledge their partners needs at all... No. I do not believe that is acceptable behavior.
    “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
    ~Friedrich Nietzsche
    And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.


  2. #82
    momrn's Avatar
    momrn is offline Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    81
    If it's directed at me, how am I punishing myself?

    I wholeheartedly disagree with that no passion/sex equals platonic friendship. That isn't my experience at all.

    I am sorry that relationship was so damaging for you, BB. It sounds like you are in a better place now.

    And I hear what you are saying cori, but it does happen that sexuality ceases for some through accident/illness. Would your love end?

    I'm unconditionally committed now. He's proven all he needs to prove to me. No more disclaimers for us.

  3. #83
    RitaRose's Avatar
    RitaRose is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Nevada
    Posts
    3,952
    Quote Originally Posted by cori93437 View Post
    I know I wasn't the person you were directing that at, but I think there is a HUGE difference in there being a physical inability to complete the sex act and just having a partner who doesn't care about you enough to seek help with an issue so that you can have normal sexual relations.

    If my husband were injured or became disabled that is one thing... we would work around it, work together towards other solutions, etc. But I would continue to be a sexual person... likely with him as there are ways to have sexual contact even without an intact penis.

    If my partner simply ignored my sexual, touching, and comfort needs because he decided he didn't give a shit about me, that's a completely different problem. Yes, I would work long and hard to try and get him to come around to being involved through any means necessary including therapy... but a person who just flat refuses to acknowledge their partners needs at all... No. I do not believe that is acceptable behavior.
    This is absolutely 100% how I see things as well.
    My sorely neglected blog - http://ThatWriterBroad.com

  4. #84
    Blacksmith's Avatar
    Blacksmith is online now Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Brooklyn, CT
    Posts
    467
    Quote Originally Posted by momrn View Post

    From my previous post, I'm sure you can tell how I would answer this. The marriage bond transcends sexuality for me. Whether it's taken by physical or mental illness doesn't matter. It's for better or worse. I won't die from no sex even if I never have it again.

    Just me.
    I dunno I wouldn't want to risk it. :P
    I find your lack of bacon disturbing.

  5. #85
    LauraSB's Avatar
    LauraSB is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Location
    Delaware Valley
    Posts
    717
    Quote Originally Posted by badgergirl View Post
    Also, small boy has his first sleep over the week after next - at SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE. Truly, we enter a new era.
    Love sleepovers! Not that getting it on sneaky-style doesn't have it's own sort of appeal, but having the house to yourselves is really fun too. I find that looking forward to those opportunities makes the days leading up better too.
    50yo, 5'3"
    SW-195
    CW-125, part calorie counting, part transition to primal
    GW- Goals are no longer weight-related

  6. #86
    BestBetter's Avatar
    BestBetter is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    NY / Italy
    Posts
    1,210
    Quote Originally Posted by badgergirl View Post
    Thank you everyone for your kind words and heartfelt advice. More please!

    Sometimes when I need an idea for something fun to do, I just google cheap fun date ideas...usually there's a bunch of stupid stuff, but there are also some good ideas in there. For example:

    52 Free or Cheap Date Ideas | Budgeting In the Fun Stuff

    *This probably goes without saying, but I'm going to say it anyway: It's really important that you are BOTH on the same page about reviving the passion. If this is something that you decided to work on solo without having a conversation with him about what you want to improve, it might not be so successful.



    Years ago I was reading a book about how to write. The author talked about sneaking in moments throughout the day to jot down ideas, get rough ideas or even just phrases down, rather than dedicating hours sitting at a desk everyday. Usually when we try to 'force' something, it doesn't work, we get writer's block or put up some kind of resistence. But those sneaky, fleeting moments seem to be more fun to give into.

    I think passion can be like this. If you put all sorts of pressure on having this mind-blowing passionate night (maybe the one night the kid is out of the house) there is a huge likelihood that something will go wrong, some resistance will happen, and the whole thing will feel wrong.

    But if you start out small - leaving silly notes around, sneaking up behind him and giving a quick kiss, putting on some dance music and bopping around together when washing dishes, spreading a blanket on the living room floor after the kid's bedtime and having an indoor picnic dinner with candles, the fun stuff that reminds you why you're together in the first place....then you can work up to the big night of passion stuff.

    P.S. I highly recommend listening to dance music when cooking or cleaning or doing annoying tasks...My husband and I turn cleaning the house into a dance party and it is so much fun! I think that it's important to have as much fun together as possible.
    Last edited by BestBetter; 12-09-2012 at 03:40 AM.

  7. #87
    Jareddame's Avatar
    Jareddame is offline Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    33
    Married for almost 15years and together for 18years .... we are fairly young 36&35 and have had ups and downs along the way however each up and each down we grow a bit closer together and that is mainly from continual communication and acknowledgement that we are there for each other.

    I don't know your total situation but if you can move yourself to an area where you can find meaningful work (and perhaps more affordable) for both of you and get more of a chance to rekindle the flame that drew you together in the beginning then that should help things.

    Also whatever you must do to get more time together then make that sacrifice as time together is worth more than any other marriage counseling you can do. Walk together, talk together, play cards, cook together, and play with your child together.

    Live your life to the fullest as you have only one go around.

    Bon Chance!

  8. #88
    zoebird's Avatar
    zoebird is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    Pittsburgh, PA
    Posts
    8,088
    I agree: re loss of sexual ability vs lack of interest/active disinterest.

    It's one thing for a person to have a disability or problem -- and that obviously makes no difference and needn't cause suffering. But, indifference towards your partner's needs is cruel and selfish.

    I wouldn't want to be treated that way, so it would have to be dealt with actively or I'd have to find a partner who recognzied that both of us have needs, and his aren't the only ones that matter, you know?

    BUt I don't necessarily see that happening in this particular relationship (OP). What I see is a young family full of stress and busy-ness, and as such, it's hard to connect at that level. I get it, because I live(d) it too. It's work right now in the sense of -- we have to find the time, find the money for sitters to have one-on-one time to connect, etc.

    There's no lack of interest or passion, just we are tired mostly from working so hard.

  9. #89
    RitaRose's Avatar
    RitaRose is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Nevada
    Posts
    3,952
    Quote Originally Posted by zoebird View Post
    BUt I don't necessarily see that happening in this particular relationship (OP). What I see is a young family full of stress and busy-ness, and as such, it's hard to connect at that level. I get it, because I live(d) it too. It's work right now in the sense of -- we have to find the time, find the money for sitters to have one-on-one time to connect, etc.

    There's no lack of interest or passion, just we are tired mostly from working so hard.
    Agree. This seems to be one of those situations where life is temporarily stressful and you kind of just have to push through it and make home as pleasant as possible until it gets easier. Then you can look back and talk about "the difficult years" and how much better life is now that things have calmed down a bit.
    My sorely neglected blog - http://ThatWriterBroad.com

  10. #90
    froggie's Avatar
    froggie is offline Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Location
    Maryland
    Posts
    88
    Primal Blueprint Expert Certification
    Quote Originally Posted by Dr. Bork Bork View Post
    This is more the gist of the movie that changed my life:
    thelovedarebook.com
    Well, thank goodness you weren't relying on the acting... I watched this movie last night and invited my husband to watch it with me -- even I was tempted to turn it off, it's slow to start and the talents are, well, weak. Then I realized it was a Christian message -- nothing wrong with that, but it's not quite what I had expected. Should have done my research

    That being said I want to believe very hard in the "for better or for worse" part and I also bought the book you suggested (can you tell I really want to fix my marriage!?); the same center idea seems to emerge: give it YOUR very best shot, only YOU can make YOU happy so you might as well try.

    I've read a great book I'd also recommend here , called Project Happily Ever After, with literally a step by step guide on how to make this work for you too (the author also blog here).

    Whether you call it work or not, a happy marriage doesn't just happen by accident, or "on its own". That's my view anyway. And don't be fooled by appearances either; some couples fall apart after 10, 20 even 30 years... No relationship can be taken for granted I guess!

    To the OP, best of luck to you and focus on the little things one day at a time.
    _______________________________________

    Adopted the Primal lifestyle on: August 9 2012.
    My sporadic journal entries are here.

    Results to date: I've lost (gained?) one belt hole!

Page 9 of 10 FirstFirst ... 78910 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •