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Thread: question for those of you long married (and still happy) page 8

  1. #71
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sandra in BC View Post
    Together over 29 years, married for almost 23, 2 pre-teen kids. That spark we had when we were "young and in love" is long gone. (seriously. we were teenagers. CHILDREN for god's sake) But what has replaced it took a lifetime of commitment and trial and error, and can't ever be found somewhere else, with anyone else. We are compatible in some ways, polar opposites in others. We share almost identical values on most things social, political and parental.

    Some days I'm impatient or can barely contain the eye-rolling at his idiocy. Some days he gets bitchy about my bitchy-ness. We have weathered lots of hardship and financial stress. We are proud of having made it through the rough patches. We both know we could put more energy and effort into recreating that "spark"...but its such a small thing compared to what we DO have. We make an effort to be kind to one another. We avoid pushing each other's buttons. We accept one another. We are comfortable. We are content. We have trust and understanding.
    Pretty accurate description of my relationship with DH, next year will be our 20th anniversary and we were together 5 yrs before that. I think part of the the "spark" one feels early on in a relationship is the excitement of the unknown. It would be impossible to recreate that "spark" after this much time together, what we have is something so much more deep. I may find other men superficially more attractive, (though honestly it is rare to find men my age that are more attractive than DH) but I've yet to find one more interesting than him. We are still each other's best friend.

  2. #72
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    I think maybe what's key is the difference between "work" and "struggle".

    Good relationships don't just happen with no one making any effort at all, but once it becomes a struggle, then it's a completely different issue. Kind of like how putting gas in your car is work (though not dfficult) and pushing it down the road after a long time of not filling the tank is a "struggle". One is much easier and prevents the other.
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  3. #73
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dr. Bork Bork View Post
    ALL relationships take work (aka effort). Have you not played the Sims? LOL

    btw, outstanding post by momrn
    No I have never played SIMS.
    But I understand the concept, and if you have a list of functions that you have to go through... essentially tricks you have to perform weather you enjoy doing it or not... in order to get the person to respond in a positive manner then hell yes, that is WORK.

    The way every one is describing "work" seems extreme to me.
    I do not feel like I "WORK" at my relationship.


    So I googled that Fireproof movie you referenced and this is what I got.

    The "work" you are talking about is basically acting like a mature adult and treating each other with respect and kindness?
    The movie showed a couple that was off the rails being selfish and disrespectful of each other. Then they changed... changing is "work" if you gone that far I guess.

    Since in 15 years we have always been respectful and kind and been mature in discussing any issues that have arisen... we haven't gone off the rails and had to WORK at getting back on.
    I still don't feel like I work at my relationship everyday. I'm just acting normal.
    I love my husband and treat him accordingly.
    That is not any sort of special effort on my part... it's something I'm drawn to do.
    I'm drawn to do things that make him happy, just as I think he's drawn to do things to make me happy.
    Work?
    It sure doesn't feel that way.
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  4. #74
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    Quote Originally Posted by sakura_girl View Post
    So what makes the difference between friendship and marriage, according to what you just said? Aren't friends also people who you support, give advice to, feel desired for and make you feel valued, etc. In the same way, are you justified to be able to have multiple marriages with people who make you feel this way, and allowed to leave them when the situations make things ugly for a short period of time?
    A romantic relationship or marriage in my book is different from regular friendship in that the first one you sexually desire each other and have sex whereas a platonic friendship has zero sex involved.

    If someone wants to share a bed with a platonic best friend because they are compatible but don't have sexual feelings for each other and don't desire each other, that can be totally fine if it's what they both want.

    Personally, I want to have sex with the person I'm in love with.

    On another note, I was thinking about this whole 'relationships being work' thing, because I really didn't understand why people kept saying it was work...and then something occured to me.

    When someone has a job they love, it doesn't feel like a job because the work is so fulfilling and enjoyable. This is the kind of job you wake up excited to go to in the morning, the kind of job that keeps you in the present, instead of counting down the minutes until lunch, or Friday or the next day off. This is what I think a good relationship should be like; it requires some work, but it doesn't feel like work because it's so rewarding.

    Contrast that with a shitty, stressful job that doesn't pay enough. You dread going back day after day. You're unappreciated or undervalued. You watch the clock until it's time to leave. This kind of work is hard. In my opinion, if this is what a relationship feels like, then I think it's time to rethink things.


    There are many things in life that are stressful. Both my husband and I have had our share of them in a very short period of time (debilitating autoimmune health issues, unemployment stress, my mother having cancer and his father having open heart surgery simultaneously, etc...) but the one thing that made those situations bearable was our relationship. A good relationship should help you to thrive even when faced with serious problems, it shouldn't be an additional problem on it's own.

  5. #75
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    Quote Originally Posted by BestBetter View Post
    A romantic relationship or marriage in my book is different from regular friendship in that the first one you sexually desire each other and have sex whereas a platonic friendship has zero sex involved.

    If someone wants to share a bed with a platonic best friend because they are compatible but don't have sexual feelings for each other and don't desire each other, that can be totally fine if it's what they both want.

    Personally, I want to have sex with the person I'm in love with.
    So the only difference is sex? So when the going gets tough and the sex begins to suck, people quit?

    Edit: Sorry, I got carried away with trying to drive my point across. I agree with that last (unquoted) part. But again, doesn't that mean you just have to man up and commit during the bad times, which is what most of the people on here are trying to argue?
    Last edited by sakura_girl; 12-08-2012 at 05:05 PM.

  6. #76
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    Quote Originally Posted by sakura_girl View Post
    So the only difference is sex? So when the going gets tough and the sex begins to suck, people quit?
    Actually, I put up with 8 years of practically no sex...I could seriously count the number of times we had sex on one hand during most of that relationship. With the other, it was 7 years of really bad sex. I paid my penance. There was no hope for improvement in sight. I stayed with both people for more years than most people would.

    I'm not saying that I think the passion and excitement in the beginning should never change; but it has to actually exist. There's a difference between relationship that needs some nurturing to spring back to life vs. one that is dead and needs to be put to rest so that both parties can move on...the tough part is figuring out which one it is.

    My husband and I have periods of time where our libidos are lower and we might go weeks without sex due to health issues (he is currently taking some supplements that lower his libido,)...but we acknowledge that it's not how we want it to be long term, and we are both committed to making sure that the road to recovery includes an active sex life.

    This is the polar opposite of the previous relationship in which my partner had some very serious sexual issues but refused to seek help and sunk deeper and deeper into denial regardless of how many times I expressed that I was unhappy, frustrated, and was falling out of love...Are you saying I should have thrown away more than 8 years on this person?

  7. #77
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    Quote Originally Posted by cori93437 View Post
    So I googled that Fireproof movie you referenced and this is what I got.

    The "work" you are talking about is basically acting like a mature adult and treating each other with respect and kindness?
    The movie showed a couple that was off the rails being selfish and disrespectful of each other. Then they changed... changing is "work" if you gone that far I guess.
    This is more the gist of the movie that changed my life:
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  8. #78
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    Quote Originally Posted by momrn View Post
    Almost 25 years in here. Three kids, unemployment, health issues (both), and the usual life problems along the way...

    You said you love, care and comfort one another. That, my friend, is a rare thing in this world. It's easy when it's hot and sexy. Who doesn't love that feeling? But having someone to help you back to bed because you are too weak from the colonoscopy prep is pretty awesome too!

    Practical advice--let go of fantasizing of that other person. Let it be a momentary distraction. Rest assured, that person would not be able to be "on" all the time either. Bills gotta be paid, laundry ain't sexy, and no one can be at their sparkly best constantly.

    Antidepressants really suck. They might keep a person from feeling sad, but they keep most other feelings away as well. Personal experience, here. Some are better than others, none is best. BUT, it is a slow and methodical process that takes lots of work and the help of a medical professional.

    I'll echo reaching out to friends for help with your little one so you can be together some more. I've had to do that, and I've been called on to do it. The people who care for you would much rather spend some time with your cutie pie than see you divorce. Walks are free.

    Have hope. Be good and loving to yourself. Make your innerspeak encouraging and honest. As far as sex, learn to enjoy the slow burn of an old love. It can be satisfying in a whole new way if you can open yourself up to it.

    Take a deep breath. Reassess what you have instead of what you don't have. Love, comfort, and care. That's quite a lot.

    Peace and love to you and your family.
    Thank you very much indeed. Perfect words, compassion and excellent advice. I shall endeavour to take it. Also, small boy has his first sleep over the week after next - at SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE. Truly, we enter a new era.
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  9. #79
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    Quote Originally Posted by BestBetter View Post
    Actually, I put up with 8 years of practically no sex...I could seriously count the number of times we had sex on one hand during most of that relationship. With the other, it was 7 years of really bad sex. I paid my penance. There was no hope for improvement in sight. I stayed with both people for more years than most people would.

    I'm not saying that I think the passion and excitement in the beginning should never change; but it has to actually exist. There's a difference between relationship that needs some nurturing to spring back to life vs. one that is dead and needs to be put to rest so that both parties can move on...the tough part is figuring out which one it is.

    My husband and I have periods of time where our libidos are lower and we might go weeks without sex due to health issues (he is currently taking some supplements that lower his libido,)...but we acknowledge that it's not how we want it to be long term, and we are both committed to making sure that the road to recovery includes an active sex life.

    This is the polar opposite of the previous relationship in which my partner had some very serious sexual issues but refused to seek help and sunk deeper and deeper into denial regardless of how many times I expressed that I was unhappy, frustrated, and was falling out of love...Are you saying I should have thrown away more than 8 years on this person?
    I'm asking this sincerely, without any sarcasm or sneering--

    If passion/sexuality were no longer possible with your husband, would you leave?

    From my previous post, I'm sure you can tell how I would answer this. The marriage bond transcends sexuality for me. Whether it's taken by physical or mental illness doesn't matter. It's for better or worse. I won't die from no sex even if I never have it again.

    Just me.

  10. #80
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    Quote Originally Posted by momrn View Post
    I'm asking this sincerely, without any sarcasm or sneering--

    If passion/sexuality were no longer possible with your husband, would you leave?

    From my previous post, I'm sure you can tell how I would answer this. The marriage bond transcends sexuality for me. Whether it's taken by physical or mental illness doesn't matter. It's for better or worse. I won't die from no sex even if I never have it again.

    Just me.
    A relationship without any passion or sex is a platonic friendship. Those are great. But from a romantic partner I need sex. I am a sexual being. Suppressing my sexuality for years because of my previous partner's issues did significant damage to myself. It made me feel undesirable and not worthy of being happy. I'm convinced that relationship caused my MS, since I can trace each flare to something significant that happened with that previous partner. The last MS flare happened the last time I saw that partner and I have not had a single flare in the years since I left her. My body was desperately trying to tell me that I was in a relationship that was slowly killing me.

    I believe that most people on here have good intentions, but the self-flaggelation really needs to stop.

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