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Thread: question for those of you long married (and still happy) page 7

  1. #61
    cori93437's Avatar
    cori93437 is offline Senior Member
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    Primal Fuel
    Now it's supposed to be uncomfortable too?

    WTF.
    I was thinking it was the most comfortable thing ever...

    I think that peoples are having very different types of relationships around here.

    It's possible to be really comfortable with a thing, like the most comfortable favorite best fitting most worn in pair of jeans you own (that magically seem to re-size right along with you), and NOT take them for granted.
    “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
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  2. #62
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    Quote Originally Posted by cori93437 View Post
    Now it's supposed to be uncomfortable too?
    i thought it was just a prolonged herpasyphilaids flare up

    but no, i'm just in love
    beautiful
    yeah you are

    I mean there's so many ants in my eyes! And there are so many TVs, microwaves, radios... I think, I can't, I'm not 100% sure what we have here in stock.. I don't know because I can't see anything! Our prices, I hope, aren't too low!

  3. #63
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    Quote Originally Posted by bloodorchid View Post
    i... have to highly disagree with this

    so, i am disagreeing
    I just feel like there has to be some edge in there, a little (healthy) jealousy on both sides. When you become of the mindset that someone is 100% tied to you no matter what, it becomes more like a parent-child or brother-sister relationship than a romantic one. All of my relationships have ended for this reason - I got comfortable. I'm not generalizing for anyone else just wanted to chime my 2 cents to a thread I enjoyed reading and maybe learned something from.

  4. #64
    Sandra in BC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cori93437 View Post
    Now it's supposed to be uncomfortable too?

    WTF.
    I was thinking it was the most comfortable thing ever...

    I think that peoples are having very different types of relationships around here.

    It's possible to be really comfortable with a thing, like the most comfortable favorite best fitting most worn in pair of jeans you own (that magically seem to re-size right along with you), and NOT take them for granted.
    Together over 29 years, married for almost 23, 2 pre-teen kids. That spark we had when we were "young and in love" is long gone. (seriously. we were teenagers. CHILDREN for god's sake) But what has replaced it took a lifetime of commitment and trial and error, and can't ever be found somewhere else, with anyone else. We are compatible in some ways, polar opposites in others. We share almost identical values on most things social, political and parental.

    Some days I'm impatient or can barely contain the eye-rolling at his idiocy. Some days he gets bitchy about my bitchy-ness. We have weathered lots of hardship and financial stress. We are proud of having made it through the rough patches. We both know we could put more energy and effort into recreating that "spark"...but its such a small thing compared to what we DO have. We make an effort to be kind to one another. We avoid pushing each other's buttons. We accept one another. We are comfortable. We are content. We have trust and understanding.
    Sandra
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  5. #65
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    Quote Originally Posted by badgergirl View Post
    Thank you all for your kindness. I shall make more of an effort with thanking, stroking and being nice and see where it gets me. Husband and I will also be starting (individual) therapy in the new year - if nothing else it will be an interesting topic of conversation. Husband has stopped his antidepressants, which might or might not make him less greyed out. My hope is that it's the other stuff in our lives (stress, exhaustion, depression, homesickness, poverty) that is making us question our marriage rather than an inherent flaw. However, the last ten years have been a rollercoaster of employ/unemployment, suicidal depression and other fun stuff and I can't help fearing the next ten years will be more of the same.

    There are no easy answers, are there?
    Badgergirl you have bravely started this thread and there are some great replies. I think you have summed up your own situation very well here. It has reminded me that one of the blessings of marriage is to have someone to share all of life's burdens with. Even if the hard times continue, at least you face them together. The questions of life are always hard, but love never gives up.

  6. #66
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    RitaRose you give me hope Thanks you.

    Quote Originally Posted by RitaRose View Post
    Okay, I don't count as "long married", but I do have 2 failed marriages (seriously awful stuff where I had to leave), oneof which lasted 13 years, and I'm in an incredibly happy relationship now - coming up on 3 years together. I know that doesn't sound like much, but I can pretty much guarantee we'll be together until one of us dies.

    One thing I can point to as being drastically different in this relationship that was missing from the other relationships is how much we appreciate each other. We are constantly doing things for each other (and I don't mean buying things) and then we make sure we earnestly express our appreciation for those things, no matter how small.

    I know it doens't sound like a big deal, but it makes a huge difference. Make sure your husband knows you've got his back no matter what, and do little things that he'll notice make his life a little better. It's contagious in a good relationship.

    For instance, The Boyfriend is really bugged when the trash in the kitchen starts to get a little... tall. And he does seem to be the only one that ever empties it, so I took the trash out first thing this morning before he woke up. He worked late last night, so I made sure I left some deviled eggs in the fridge for him. I bring the paper in every morning so it's there when he gets up and doean't have to go out in the cold. Those are small things, but things he really appreciates.

    He, on the other hand, washes my car without me ever asking, takes care of any travel plans (he's better at them) and volunteers to visit my mom with me. That just makes me love him even more, and I let him know that. He still opens car doors for me, and I still thank him every time. It just works.

    I sent him an email once, "50 Reasons Why I Love You", and he said it took everything he had to keep from forwarding it to everyone he knew. I also wrote a fairy tale version of how we met, and he still has it in the drawer next to the bed years later. It makes him feel special, and I think that's one of the most important factors in keeping a love affair strong.
    You know all those things you have always wanted to do? You should go do them.

    Nah.. I was always aware "they" were out to get me.. even before I became Primal..... Now I can just run faster if they find me-Dino Hunter

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  7. #67
    TCOHTom's Avatar
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    We've been a couple for 39 years; married for 36.
    The only secret here (and I figured this early) is that she is the 'most important person in both our lives'.
    Well, that and a sense of humor.
    Retirement has afforded me the ultimate affluence, that of free time (Sahlins/Wells)

  8. #68
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    Quote Originally Posted by dizzyorange View Post
    I just feel like there has to be some edge in there, a little (healthy) jealousy on both sides. When you become of the mindset that someone is 100% tied to you no matter what, it becomes more like a parent-child or brother-sister relationship than a romantic one. All of my relationships have ended for this reason - I got comfortable. I'm not generalizing for anyone else just wanted to chime my 2 cents to a thread I enjoyed reading and maybe learned something from.
    I think there's a difference between working hard at something and refusing to take someone for granted. Assuming they'll stick with you no matter what is good, and it only becomes a problem once you stop trying to make them want to. It takes a little effort, but I honestly don't think that's hard work, given a good partner to begin with.
    My sorely neglected blog - http://ThatWriterBroad.com

  9. #69
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    Almost 25 years in here. Three kids, unemployment, health issues (both), and the usual life problems along the way...

    You said you love, care and comfort one another. That, my friend, is a rare thing in this world. It's easy when it's hot and sexy. Who doesn't love that feeling? But having someone to help you back to bed because you are too weak from the colonoscopy prep is pretty awesome too!

    Practical advice--let go of fantasizing of that other person. Let it be a momentary distraction. Rest assured, that person would not be able to be "on" all the time either. Bills gotta be paid, laundry ain't sexy, and no one can be at their sparkly best constantly.

    Antidepressants really suck. They might keep a person from feeling sad, but they keep most other feelings away as well. Personal experience, here. Some are better than others, none is best. BUT, it is a slow and methodical process that takes lots of work and the help of a medical professional.

    I'll echo reaching out to friends for help with your little one so you can be together some more. I've had to do that, and I've been called on to do it. The people who care for you would much rather spend some time with your cutie pie than see you divorce. Walks are free.

    Have hope. Be good and loving to yourself. Make your innerspeak encouraging and honest. As far as sex, learn to enjoy the slow burn of an old love. It can be satisfying in a whole new way if you can open yourself up to it.

    Take a deep breath. Reassess what you have instead of what you don't have. Love, comfort, and care. That's quite a lot.

    Peace and love to you and your family.

  10. #70
    Dr. Bork Bork's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cori93437 View Post
    The way you folks keep talking about "work" makes me think I'm doing something really, really wrong.
    My marriage should be falling apart any second now...

    What work?
    You all act like it's a full time job or something.

    If my marriage felt like a full time job I'd probably be pretty damned unhappy with it.

    Keeping the house clean... now that is work. Never ending work!

    ALL relationships take work (aka effort). Have you not played the Sims? LOL

    btw, outstanding post by momrn
    --Trish (Bork)
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