question for those of you long married (and still happy) page 6

[fitmom]

No one's ever very attractive when they're struggling to keep their head above water. Sexy isn't dogpaddling & flailing. Sexy lies oiled up on the beach, relaxed & tanned, full of vitamin D. Not a lot of sexy in this economy....
stress plays havoc on our hormones, which seriously affects interest in, & bonding with, a partner.

Longevity in relationships seems to depend on sticking it out through these times, or living in bubble-wrap made of dollar bills and blind optimism. so far, I've stuck it out through a decade and a half. It hasn't been easy, but it's been a priceless experience.
Good luck to you both!

[Jennifla]

I dated my high school sweetheart for 5 years, then we married right after college. Then he started his first job and became a workaholic overnight. I struggled with depression for many years, tried to do everything I thought I was "supposed" to do, including passing up an opportunity to earn a PhD because I knew I would be staying home with young children at some point. Three kids and seventeen years later, he still did not make an effort to participate in "our" life, not even to help make decisions about finances, goals, etc. When the kids went to school full days, I found a hobby, and then I found another man who could be a real companion. I did not even know I was vulnerable.

[Dr. Bork Bork]

I'm going to look for Fireproof. Is it something teen/young adult kids would watch?

It's something they COULD watch. It's a family friendly movie. I would not hesitate to show it to a teen who is old enough to understand the value of a relationship and what kind of work it takes to make it successful.

[cori93437]

It's something they COULD watch. It's a family friendly movie. I would not hesitate to show it to a teen who is old enough to understand the value of a relationship and what kind of work it takes to make it successful.

The way you folks keep talking about "work" makes me think I'm doing something really, really wrong.
My marriage should be falling apart any second now...

What work?
You all act like it's a full time job or something.

If my marriage felt like a full time job I'd probably be pretty damned unhappy with it.

Keeping the house clean... now that is work. Never ending work!

[BestBetter]

Finally, I'm 35. The thought that there will never be passion, buzz, whatever between us again, well, that's not okay.

After years of being with someone I loved and was very compatible with, I came to the decision that I was willing to accept staying in a sexless, passionless relationship because our love was so deep...Well, love or no love, I was not born to be celibate. It does not make me happy. And the more understanding I was of my partner's sexual issues, the more it resulted in no sex. It wasn't until I was willing to prioritize my own happiness for the first time in my life that I was able to let go of that deeply troubled relationship and meet the person I was meant to be with.

I also don't understand all this 'love is hard work' bullshit. There are moments that are challenging, sure. But overall, my relationship is fun. We laugh a lot. We share a lot of interests. We support each other and give advice. We make each other feel desired and valued. We daydream and make big plans for the future. We delight in surprising each other with little gifts and surprises. We are both equally invested in making the other one feel appreciated and loved. Most of that stuff comes naturally and doesn't feel like work. I think if a relationship feels like hard work, then people are doing something wrong.

*My husband is an ex-pat, and I think that until a person experiences this themselves, it's impossible to understand how difficult it can be. He left his family and friends to be with me on another continent. It's really hard for him sometimes, especially now that his parents are getting older and having health issues and he is their only child. But we find ways to make it work; his parents are really not technologically capable at all, so he bought them an ipad (easiest thing for the most techno-phobic person to use) and they use it to have video chats with him on facetime, they email pictures and videos constantly. I know he made a big sacrifice to be with me, and I try to make up for it every chance I get, but really what he needs is for me to be understanding when he has a moment of sadness about not being home for the holidays...

[CrazyCatLady]

Have more sex. Really. When things are hard, and I feel that my husband doesn't understand me, I up the number of times a week that we have sex.

It helps me fall back in love, even when I really don't feel like I want more sex, that is what our relationship really needs. So, get naked with him. Assuming he is willing. If he isn't, then that is a whole other problem and you may want to think about other options.

[sakura_girl]

I also don't understand all this 'love is hard work' bullshit. There are moments that are challenging, sure. But overall, my relationship is fun. We laugh a lot. We share a lot of interests. We support each other and give advice. We make each other feel desired and valued. We daydream and make big plans for the future. We delight in surprising each other with little gifts and surprises. We are both equally invested in making the other one feel appreciated and loved. Most of that stuff comes naturally and doesn't feel like work. I think if a relationship feels like hard work, then people are doing something wrong.

So what makes the difference between friendship and marriage, according to what you just said? Aren't friends also people who you support, give advice to, feel desired for and make you feel valued, etc. In the same way, are you justified to be able to have multiple marriages with people who make you feel this way, and allowed to leave them when the situations make things ugly for a short period of time?

[bloodorchid]

because friends don't usually have sex with each other

OP, sht happens, it's normal. in my opinion, your situation is one of those bumps in the road that are easily fixed (relatively, compared to long term)

if you want *shrug*

[dizzyorange]

I don't think you can get comfortable. Love wasn't meant to be comfortable and when it becomes so it is no longer love, at least romantic love.

[bloodorchid]

I don't think you can get comfortable. Love wasn't meant to be comfortable and when it becomes so it is no longer love, at least romantic love.

i... have to highly disagree with this

so, i am disagreeing