question for those of you long married (and still happy) page 5

[Dr. Bork Bork]

Woah, folks, play nice.

*giggle* Like that ever happens around here
*tussles with her primal siblings*
RAWR!

Finally, I'm 35. The thought that there will never be passion, buzz, whatever between us again, well, that's not okay.

btw, I'm 30, and I'd be blissfully happy if I never had to have sex again. Seriously. The man does a good job, but it's just not something I enjoy.

I should probably see a therapist about that...

[Legbiter]

Just so you are an informed snowflake, it wasn't a chick that brought up "no matter what":

Knifegill?

Some women are capable of good advice. You included.

[LauraSB]

No such thing as "in love". Love is work. If you aren't working on it, it dies. The lustful passion of a new sexual partner is just for spawning purposes. As an adult, you are to be more mature than this. You promised to work at life together no matter what. Giving up and breaking your promises makes you both whores and a liars and child abusers, even if TV tells you otherwise. There is no excuse for letting a marriage die. It's laziness, boredom, or mistrust, or other issues that get out of hand because you forget to work together at it. Grow up and learn to keep your promises. This is part of the FOR WORSE clause. And in 50 years, you'll wonder why you were ever thinking about leaving.

Damn! What a hard ass! But 90% of couples probably need to take Knifegill's advice, or maybe a kinder, gentler version of it, lol.

Celebrating our 11 year anniversary next week. I don't think I ever felt passion or any of that froo-froo stuff, even when we were dating. I knew the type of man I wanted to marry and he was it. (btw, Knifegill pretty much said what I was going to!)
Love is an ideal. Real love takes work.
I recommend looking into the 5 love languages, and also watching the movie Fireproof. Fireproof changed everything for me.

I'm going to look for Fireproof. Is it something teen/young adult kids would watch?

When I met DH, I was dating a buff, blond, frat boy. He was spending a year traveling the world, doing whatever 22 yr old guys do while their girlfriend is 1000s of miles away in grad school (snicker). His mom was the coolest woman I knew, on her second marriage after dumping the father of her children. When I told her I'd met this great, nerdy guy who was nothing like anyone I'd ever dated, she said, "You know, the guys who look good to you when you're 20, don't look like such a great deal by the time you're 40. But nerdy guys just get better over time." Nerdy guy was already bringing it in the sack, so that was the end of frat boy. His own mother threw him under the bus! So glad now I went for the long term investment.

I have to agree with BestBetter, I've always resented the notion that a relationship/marriage is "work". My friend actually referred to it as, "the hardest job you'll ever have", eugh (two weeks later his wife filed for divorce and had some other guy's abortion).

The past 4 years for us have felt effortless. If you have to "work" to be thoughtful and do some cuddling once in a while, then the battle is already lost.

I could say the same for a lot of people who get married in the first place. Divorce is just the correction of a previous stupid decision.

Hope you'll update in 20 years. If it's been smooth sailing the whole time, I'd love to hear about it, seriously. People who hope to make it for the long haul need all the practical advice they can get.

To the OP, if you can find a therapist that really clicks for you guys, that would be great. Separate therapy is probably good, because it will give you some space to bitch and get useful feedback. We went to family therapy for DS when he was 16-18 and even tho DH was an asshole (excuse me, had a crap attitude) the entire time, I think something sank in. He'd probably say the same about me, lol!

[Legbiter]

Damn! What a hard ass! But 90% of couples probably need to take Knifegill's advice, or maybe a kinder, gentler version of it, lol.

I kinda did but Knifegill dosen't mess around.

[zoebird]

For my own part, I don't believe in "love is hard work" or "soulmates."

I think I'm just too damn pragmatic.

While dating, I looked for attraction to the guy, but more than that, I looked at compatibility. I looked for shared values and outlooks, similar lifestyle goals in life (including "how you want to live" and "what you like to do in your spare time"), and most importantly, I looked for acceptance.

I did not -- and do not -- want to be hindered in who I am as a person to meet someone else's needs or expectations as to what they want in a partner. THis was my absolute, number one thing that I looked for while dating.

DH and I are a lot alike. We have hard some difficult times as a partnership. Those times were not without love. Love -- even passion -- was still there. But, between "me" and "that" within myself was the clutter of the "difficulty du jour." Those difficulties have been personal on my end, personal on his end, and then an outside forces that were hard on both of us to which we had unique, often divergent, reactions.

Going through this "clutter" was hard work. We had to parse out what was mine, what was his, what was ours, and figure it out. We had to do a lot of 'team building' sorts of things like "how are *we* going to solve this particular problem?" Sometimes, it owuld mean one person going and doing X, while another person does Y, so that we are getting to the end-goal of A. Which might have also meant being more like roommates for a while -- not because of a lack of love, desire for sex, or passion, but simply because the situation so warranted.

*That aspect* was hard work. But, it wasn't horrible work, nor was it a terrible burden. It was actually good, and drew us a lot closer together.

And, I've had my head turned, too. It was an interesting time in our relationship. DH was going through a sort of "OCD" tear (it's kinda-related) and deep anxiety, and I was in school and doing my yoga thing which kept me out of the house from 7 am until 10 pm Mon-Fri, then half days Sat/Sun. DH, of course, was at home doing his obsessive stuff, and apparently didn't mind or notice. As I had no concept of time, I hadn't realized that we had been "coexisting" for about 6 months. My head got turned, and it was the wake-up call for me. Like you, I looked and started asking questions.

This was probably the first "big thing" in our relationship -- and we were about 7 years in, no kids, etc -- but it made me very aware that DH's "stuff" was cluttering our time together, and I'd found occupation for myself (all wholesome), but I was missing out on our relationship. DH hadn't noticed until I brought it up, but on contemplation, he was too. So, we got help for his anxiety, I started working less (mostly doing less yoga), and we actively spent more time together.

And doing so was enjoyable because we love each other and have fun together.

Our next rough patch was right after DS was born, as DH had another extreme psychological situation crop up, and I was seriously busy/exhausted with the kid. I also developed resentment. So, he had to work on his stuff, I had to work on my stuff -- and even though we still loved and desired each other (that part not being work), the reality is that what went down during this phase was HARD emotionally on me and I needed to acknowledge it and work through it to come to the relationship with clarity.

Because the little guy still takes a lot of energy from both of us, we are mostly tired. But still in love. Still happy overall.

Is everything picture perfect?

No, but we have clear goals in our lifestyle, our family life, and our relationship -- and a means to get there over time. Things will continue to change as DS ages, too, and one day he'll be out of the nest. And it'll be just DH and I again. And I'm think that will be very nice indeed.

[RitaRose]

Some women are capable of good advice. You included.

You? You can stay. Come sit right here next to me.

[LauraSB]

My best friend, soul mate, former (long, long ago) lover (yes, it's complicated) is getting divorced. I recently had my head turned by someone else, but my head was ready to be turned. Nothing happened except a lot of inner questioning. I am not proud of this, but it is what it is. Needless to say, environmental factors have led me to question things a lot more. Also, this WOE gives me more energy, which - it's part of my make-up - makes me want to tear things down, jump on planes, start over...those are not helpful responses given that I have a husband and child to support.

Having your head turned is not unusual, IMO. During a tough spot (but not one of the toughest), I was transferred to a fairly hot, super personable young guy as a supervisor. It kind of revved me up, if you know what I mean. DH made a joke about a rooster in the hen house making all the hens lay better. Part of me was a little embarrassed that he noticed and part of me was impressed that he was so cool about it. I think being attracted to other people can be good for a relationship if you don't intend to act on it. Even now, when things are great between us, I get distracted by a guy I only interact with occasionally. I would never! But he's a catch and some woman needs to get her hands on him.

Finally, I'm 35. The thought that there will never be passion, buzz, whatever between us again, well, that's not okay.

Yeah, that would suck. I couldn't live with that either. Even though there were times I had no enthusiasm, I wanted something more. I don't know for sure how we found our way back. We just kept on keeping on. At this point, I hope I die before he does, because I really don't want to go through finding a man who knows how to bring it the way he does.

[Legbiter]

You? You can stay. Come sit right here next to me.

Hands off the merchandise woman. I'm not a slice of bacon!

[Blacksmith]

[QUOTE=zoebird;1026989]
I did not -- and do not -- want to be hindered in who I am as a person to meet someone else's needs or expectations as to what they want in a partner. THis was my absolute, number one thing that I looked for while dating.

I think this is always sound advice, If you think you are losing yourself in all this look to the things you enjoy doing, things you did while dating or single. These may have been some of the reasons you were attracted to each other in the first place.

And who is this DH guy? He seems to be married to or knocking up half the women in this thread.:P

[cori93437]

No such thing as "in love". Love is work. If you aren't working on it, it dies. The lustful passion of a new sexual partner is just for spawning purposes. As an adult, you are to be more mature than this. You promised to work at life together no matter what. Giving up and breaking your promises makes you both whores and a liars and child abusers, even if TV tells you otherwise. There is no excuse for letting a marriage die. It's laziness, boredom, or mistrust, or other issues that get out of hand because you forget to work together at it. Grow up and learn to keep your promises. This is part of the FOR WORSE clause. And in 50 years, you'll wonder why you were ever thinking about leaving.

I don't for a second believe that... but if you've never been there, you've never been there and you wouldn't know.
Love is not always work. Yes it sometimes takes some work when you hit a rough patch, but if you have to work at it every single day and it feels like work all the time, you should probably reevaluate the situation.
I've had it both ways... and being in love with a person who is also in love with you, as in love between two mature compatible people is actually pretty damn effortless most of the time.

Celebrating our 11 year anniversary next week. I don't think I ever felt passion or any of that froo-froo stuff, even when we were dating. I knew the type of man I wanted to marry and he was it. (btw, Knifegill pretty much said what I was going to!)
Love is an ideal. Real love takes work.
I recommend looking into the 5 love languages, and also watching the movie Fireproof. Fireproof changed everything for me.

After two very bad choices on my part resulting in divorces (I chose abusive partners and own that part of the process) I also chose a man to marry based on other values than just "passion"... though I admit there was plenty of compatibility there too. I consciously chose him based on non-emotional reasons however (I actually discussed this with him once and he was kind of offended at it... maybe not the wisest "sharing" I ever did. Honesty it weird that way.)
I agree that "Love" is an ideal, but I think that it is entirely possible to be "in love" with a partner long term, without all this work everyone seems to think we need.
Rough patches happen, that's when you work.
In 15 years we've hit a couple... we refocused, worked a bit, and it wasn't a big problem.
The rest of the time has seemed easy.

Yeah, I believe in being "in love". 100%.

I have to agree with BestBetter, I've always resented the notion that a relationship/marriage is "work". My friend actually referred to it as, "the hardest job you'll ever have", eugh (two weeks later his wife filed for divorce and had some other guy's abortion).

The past 4 years for us have felt effortless. If you have to "work" to be thoughtful and do some cuddling once in a while, then the battle is already lost.

I could say the same for a lot of people who get married in the first place. Divorce is just the correction of a previous stupid decision.

I agree...
After 15 years my husband can still give me butterflies in my stomach with just a kiss.
We laugh, we joke, we are friends above all things... this goes a long way, especially on the days we are not lovers.


All hope is not lost.
Keep doing what you are doing and don't listen to the ones trying to make things harder than they really are.
Keep a sense of humor.
I'm not saying that a harder patch might not come along for you where you might not need to refocus your attention, but don't make "work" out of it IMO...


To the OP,
IMO find a way to laugh together and do it as often as possible.
That's my only advice.
When things are stressful, money is tight, you're too tired for sex, whatever... find some way to share a laugh and a smile.
That is the thing I value the most in my relationship with my husband beyond any doubt.
Through all our troubles... my chronic illnesses as well as PTSD and depression and other problems... he has always found ways to make me smile. Like every single day.
And as I said above... after 15 years he can still give me butterflies when he kisses me.
It's all about the laughing. I swear.

That's it... find a way to laugh and smile together... and try to touch on the things that make you compatible again where at all possible. Even if it's just rehashing old stories for a laugh. Nostalgia is good medicine sometimes, especially while cuddling. And it's free.