question for those of you long married (and still happy) page 4

[Comma]

meh.

[Louisa655]

This is quite easily the worst response I've ever read in my life.

Had I followed this advice, I'd still be suffocating in a relationship that ultimately was not where I should have been. I would have never met my true soulmate, I would have wasted my life feeling frustrated, miserable, and worthless.

And for the record, staying together with someone who makes you miserable does not do a child any favors. I'm talking from experience. My mother was a suicidally depressed alcoholic for most of her adult life, and my father didn't want to talk divorce until I was out of the house. My parents staying together for 30 years meant that I had the pleasure of checking my mother into a detox program at the local hospital after a suicide attempt (which happened as a result of her trying to quit drinking cold turkey and almost going into heart failure as a result).

After my parents divorced a year later, my mom got sober because she was finally free from the man who drove her to drink, and could begin her life anew; She transformed herself into one of the most amazing people I've ever known. She's fun, joyful, and full of life in a way that would have NEVER been possible while married to my father, who was emotionally volatile and had explosive rage issues that were terrifying. I would give anything if they'd divorced years before they actually did.

BestBetter: Wow -- F---ing hell. Seriously -- boom -- drop it on us. Firstly, I believe that Knifekill and you are talking different languages and you both have a lesson in your words. I 'get' both of you. Relationships are n=1, similar to the foods we eat and the 'diets' that work individually for us.

I grew up in a crazy home with two parent who were the most dysfunctional adults together, but once divorced, after 31 years, they each became great people in their own right. There's a lesson here.

There's the other side of the coin --- those people that don't understand the definition of commitment and as soon as they 'fall out of the honeymoon stage,' they are out to pursue the next 'high' of perceived love or sex or both.

I had grandparents who were married and DEEPLY in love for 75 years -- they are my idles. Did that relationship come easy? I doubt it. Both of them understood and valued each other, and then valued their children and grandchildren. They were thoughtful in their words and the respect they had for each other ooozed. Was this natural or by choice? Me thinks it was by choice.

We live in a fast, free for all, get your blackberry and change your plans with friends on a second to second basis. We have 1000+ 'friends' on our facebook and we really believe they are all 'friends'. Any mature individual knows that if you can count on 5 people in your life, that you are rich with friendship. Quantity does not equal quality.

Dysfunctional, unhealthy behaviour in a relationship is not the same as two functional individuals who lack commitment --- the two are very different beasts. Two, fully functioning partners who mature, educated and who had great role models have a better survival rate of a long-term relationship than those who do not.

One has to get one's 'house of cards' in order before being able to participate in a 'healthy relationship'. I have a wonderful professor who drilled it into our heads as graduate students that "We are only responsible for ourselves, and our own behaviour". That's a powerful statement -- think about it. We only control how we feel, and what our emotions are. We are responsible for our own happiness. We are responsible for our anger, our reactions, and the way we think. If we find ourselves involved with someone who lacks these essential human elements, then there may be a parting of ways that is of an intellectual nature.

Individuals who 'blame others' for their feelings of misfortune or unhappiness are immature in their ability to take responsibility for their own emotions. Simply put: These individuals are weak in their ability to manage their lives.

I watched my own mother become a train wreck in the long-term relationship with my father. She thought she was doing the family a favour by 'holding the marriage together' while she slowly sank into depression, alcohol abuse and contemplated suicide regularly. How sad. How unfortunate.

Each of us is responsible for our own self, our happiness and ultimately the relationships we choose to engage in. We get one life --- one 'go around' on this earth. Make of it what you will. Blaming others for your unhappiness is self-centered and misguided. As my professor said once again: "We are only responsible for our own actions, and feelings," and nothing else.

/lu

[Louisa655]

Celebrating our 11 year anniversary next week. I don't think I ever felt passion or any of that froo-froo stuff, even when we were dating. I knew the type of man I wanted to marry and he was it. (btw, Knifegill pretty much said what I was going to!)
Love is an ideal. Real love takes work.
I recommend looking into the 5 love languages, and also watching the movie Fireproof. Fireproof changed everything for me.

1000++

[Chaohinon]

I have to agree with BestBetter, I've always resented the notion that a relationship/marriage is "work". My friend actually referred to it as, "the hardest job you'll ever have", eugh (two weeks later his wife filed for divorce and had some other guy's abortion).

The past 4 years for us have felt effortless. If you have to "work" to be thoughtful and do some cuddling once in a while, then the battle is already lost.

but the majority of people who divorce are just selfish, greedy monsters with no idea who they're hurting.

I could say the same for a lot of people who get married in the first place. Divorce is just the correction of a previous stupid decision.

[RitaRose]

Divorce #1 - after 13 years, from an alcoholic with a temper who liked to let me know who was the boss by punching holes in the wall next to my head and shooting guns in the house when he was drunk.
Divorce #2 - after 1 year, from a guy who couldn't keep his pants on at work for even that first year (while turning me down at home) and refused to give up his girlfriend and go to counseling when he was caught.

I will agree that some people divorce for pretty stupid reasons, but I also think some people get married for pretty stupid reasons. If only one of you is working at make the partnership better, there's not much you can do besides either accept it the way it is (not easy or even wise with violence, addiction, adultery, etc) or learn your lesson and move on.

IMHO, we need to appreciate and show a little extra love to those partners that really are trying and just get hit upside the head by life. We also need to cut some slack to people that honestly attempted to make a relationship work, and finally had to bail when it became dangerous, either physically or emotionally.

[sakura_girl]

No such thing as "in love". Love is work. If you aren't working on it, it dies. The lustful passion of a new sexual partner is just for spawning purposes. As an adult, you are to be more mature than this. You promised to work at life together no matter what. Giving up and breaking your promises makes you both whores and a liars and child abusers, even if TV tells you otherwise. There is no excuse for letting a marriage die. It's laziness, boredom, or mistrust, or other issues that get out of hand because you forget to work together at it. Grow up and learn to keep your promises. This is part of the FOR WORSE clause. And in 50 years, you'll wonder why you were ever thinking about leaving.

+1, I agree.

If you aren't ready to make the commitment, don't make it in the first place. Most people don't give enough thought to actually becoming bound to another person.

[Legbiter]

Would you say this the person with a verbally/emotionally abusive spouse or abusive parent? I think not.

"What if he was into necrophilia? What then punk?"

Jesus people. The advice given is that one on the basis that the marriage dosen't include physical violence, substance abuse, cheating and all the rest of it.

Why do some chicks have to project themselves into everything?

No Snowflakes, it's not about you.

[badgergirl]

Woah, folks, play nice.

Let's give a little more context. Neither marriage nor divorce is undertaken lightly by either of us, nor the vast majority of people I would imagine. We are both the product of long-term stable marriages - my parents' marriage very successful (not without frustrations, obviously, but on the whole pretty fantastic); husband's parents are bound together by Catholicism, guilt and joint enabling of hoarding behaviour.

We've done it hard in the last ten years and would, madly enough, be financially better off apart at this point.

My best friend, soul mate, former (long, long ago) lover (yes, it's complicated) is getting divorced. I recently had my head turned by someone else, but my head was ready to be turned. Nothing happened except a lot of inner questioning. I am not proud of this, but it is what it is. Needless to say, environmental factors have led me to question things a lot more. Also, this WOE gives me more energy, which - it's part of my make-up - makes me want to tear things down, jump on planes, start over...those are not helpful responses given that I have a husband and child to support.

I'm willing to put in the hard yards, as they say here, but - except for two brief periods of halcyon days - the last ten years have been really, really difficult and, frankly, I'm tired of being promised jam tomorrow when there's never any jam today.

Add chronic homesickness into the mix and a bunch of other stuff - my father is declining and I want to be near him - I hate my job...yadda yadda yadda and, well, you can see why I'm all turned about.

I'm not going to do anything rash or irreversible. I'll do all in my power to turn this around and ensure that if we do split it's for the best reasons. I am genuinely interested to hear from others who have gone through similar and come out stronger on the other side.

Finally, I'm 35. The thought that there will never be passion, buzz, whatever between us again, well, that's not okay.

[RitaRose]

"What if he was into necrophilia? What then punk?"

Jesus people. The advice given is that one on the basis that the marriage dosen't include physical violence, substance abuse, cheating and all the rest of it.

Why do some chicks have to project themselves into everything?

No Snowflakes, it's not about you.

Just so you are an informed snowflake, it wasn't a chick that brought up "no matter what":

You promised to work at life together no matter what.

[Legbiter]

You're at the tail-end age-wise of grabbing someone better in your peer-group so unless you want to stick it out you'd better play your hand now before you age further.