question for those of you long married (and still happy) page 3

[Legbiter]

Generally speaking other people aren't responsible for your happiness (or lack of it). That's something you have to work on yourself. I saw a couple of my aunts divorce perfectly good men because they were unhaaappy and they're just as miserable now as then. Happiness levels maintain a baseline, veering a little this way or that but constant high happiness is a mirage.

So it's mostly something you have to work on from your end.

[geostump]

Not married here, but just hit 4 years (well technically 5, but the parents aren't supposed to know about that part) with my girlfriend. Everything Rita said has held true for us, and to add, I think it's important to have a lot of non-sexual touching, caressing, playing with each others' hair, stimulation of mild erogenous zones like palms, inner forearms, etc. This helps keep the oxytocin flowing way beyond the "honeymoon" period, and studies have shown if promotes longevity and sexual desire in relationships. It's become a sort of daily exercise routine, and I've noticed our attitudes towards each other tend to wane a little when I get lazy about it.

This is major with us. It does help out immensely(except I hate my hair being touched, but after this long, I've learned to live with it). Teasing each other is big. Make sure you let him know he is appreciated. I've even been putting little notes in his lunch when I pack those for work.

[badgergirl]

Thank you all for your kindness. I shall make more of an effort with thanking, stroking and being nice and see where it gets me. Husband and I will also be starting (individual) therapy in the new year - if nothing else it will be an interesting topic of conversation. Husband has stopped his antidepressants, which might or might not make him less greyed out. My hope is that it's the other stuff in our lives (stress, exhaustion, depression, homesickness, poverty) that is making us question our marriage rather than an inherent flaw. However, the last ten years have been a rollercoaster of employ/unemployment, suicidal depression and other fun stuff and I can't help fearing the next ten years will be more of the same.

There are no easy answers, are there?

[Knifegill]

No such thing as "in love". Love is work. If you aren't working on it, it dies. The lustful passion of a new sexual partner is just for spawning purposes. As an adult, you are to be more mature than this. You promised to work at life together no matter what. Giving up and breaking your promises makes you both whores and a liars and child abusers, even if TV tells you otherwise. There is no excuse for letting a marriage die. It's laziness, boredom, or mistrust, or other issues that get out of hand because you forget to work together at it. Grow up and learn to keep your promises. This is part of the FOR WORSE clause. And in 50 years, you'll wonder why you were ever thinking about leaving.

[Dr. Bork Bork]

Celebrating our 11 year anniversary next week. I don't think I ever felt passion or any of that froo-froo stuff, even when we were dating. I knew the type of man I wanted to marry and he was it. (btw, Knifegill pretty much said what I was going to!)
Love is an ideal. Real love takes work.
I recommend looking into the 5 love languages, and also watching the movie Fireproof. Fireproof changed everything for me.

[seaweed]

There are no easy answers, are there?

i am one of the ones who bailed so my opinion doesnt really count. but what i wanted to say is life isnt easy. we had alot of similar external stressers to you. i figured we could approach it as an adventure together as life is, after all, an adventure, and you need to do the best you can with each day. but he more wanted to take the negative suffering route which i couldnt do in the end. and i think that is the crux. if you can deal with it together and have fun with each other regardless, you will get through. we both were very different people and that aspect actually worked quite well as together we had everything covered and we learnt alot from each other.

[BestBetter]

No such thing as "in love". Love is work. If you aren't working on it, it dies. The lustful passion of a new sexual partner is just for spawning purposes. As an adult, you are to be more mature than this. You promised to work at life together no matter what. Giving up and breaking your promises makes you both whores and a liars and child abusers, even if TV tells you otherwise. There is no excuse for letting a marriage die. It's laziness, boredom, or mistrust, or other issues that get out of hand because you forget to work together at it. Grow up and learn to keep your promises. This is part of the FOR WORSE clause. And in 50 years, you'll wonder why you were ever thinking about leaving.

This is quite easily the worst response I've ever read in my life.

Had I followed this advice, I'd still be suffocating in a relationship that ultimately was not where I should have been. I would have never met my true soulmate, I would have wasted my life feeling frustrated, miserable, and worthless.

And for the record, staying together with someone who makes you miserable does not do a child any favors. I'm talking from experience. My mother was a suicidally depressed alcoholic for most of her adult life, and my father didn't want to talk divorce until I was out of the house. My parents staying together for 30 years meant that I had the pleasure of checking my mother into a detox program at the local hospital after a suicide attempt (which happened as a result of her trying to quit drinking cold turkey and almost going into heart failure as a result).

After my parents divorced a year later, my mom got sober because she was finally free from the man who drove her to drink, and could begin her life anew; She transformed herself into one of the most amazing people I've ever known. She's fun, joyful, and full of life in a way that would have NEVER been possible while married to my father, who was emotionally volatile and had explosive rage issues that were terrifying. I would give anything if they'd divorced years before they actually did.

[NZ primal Gwamma]

Husband and I will also be starting (individual) therapy in the new year. the last ten years have been a rollercoaster of employ/unemployment, suicidal depression and other fun stuff and I can't help fearing the next ten years will be more of the same.

There are no easy answers, are there?

Badgergirl - good for you starting councelling. I never went down that road - just battled through blindly, however the good times do outweigh the bad, and I am glad that I have stuck with it. ( the trouble is we tend to retain and remember the bad times ) The depression factor is huge. Often jealousy, compulsive behaviours, anxiety, bad breath, violence are really hard to deal with but, we have gotten through.
I have started DH on Magnesium, which has helped with his sleeping, snoring, and jiggly sleep - so it may be worth trying that.
Good luck with your counselling.
G

[geostump]

No such thing as "in love". Love is work. If you aren't working on it, it dies. The lustful passion of a new sexual partner is just for spawning purposes. As an adult, you are to be more mature than this. You promised to work at life together no matter what. Giving up and breaking your promises makes you both whores and a liars and child abusers, even if TV tells you otherwise. There is no excuse for letting a marriage die. It's laziness, boredom, or mistrust, or other issues that get out of hand because you forget to work together at it. Grow up and learn to keep your promises. This is part of the FOR WORSE clause. And in 50 years, you'll wonder why you were ever thinking about leaving.

Would you say this the person with a verbally/emotionally abusive spouse or abusive parent? I think not.

[Knifegill]

This is quite easily the worst response I've ever read in my life.

Had I followed this advice, I'd still be suffocating in a relationship that ultimately was not where I should have been. I would have never met my true soulmate, I would have wasted my life feeling frustrated, miserable, and worthless.

And for the record, staying together with someone who makes you miserable does not do a child any favors. I'm talking from experience. My mother was a suicidally depressed alcoholic for most of her adult life, and my father didn't want to talk divorce until I was out of the house. My parents staying together for 30 years meant that I had the pleasure of checking my mother into a detox program at the local hospital after a suicide attempt (which happened as a result of her trying to quit drinking cold turkey and almost going into heart failure as a result).

After my parents divorced a year later, my mom got sober because she was finally free from the man who drove her to drink, and could begin her life anew; She transformed herself into one of the most amazing people I've ever known. She's fun, joyful, and full of life in a way that would have NEVER been possible while married to my father, who was emotionally volatile and had explosive rage issues that were terrifying. I would give anything if they'd divorced years before they actually did.

Lol. Bad marriage is just the cherry on top of that train-wreck sundae.

*Of course there are extreme situations, but the majority of people who divorce are just selfish, greedy monsters with no idea who they're hurting.