Page 278 of 283 FirstFirst ... 178228268276277278279280 ... LastLast
Results 2,771 to 2,780 of 2822

Thread: Still on the Warpath: Naiadknight's Battle Tome page 278

  1. #2771
    naiadknight's Avatar
    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Odessa/ Midland, TX
    Posts
    11,980
    Shop Now
    Speaknig of getting a million and one things done in a day... I THINK once HR fills out and sends in yet another form, I should be able to get my probationary certificate. Just today I've filled out several forms regarding my experience last year and getting rehired this year. I may have my probationary by Wednesday, even (not holding my breath on that one.) Once that's taken care of, then all I need is "proof" of 50 hours of PD (which staff days and online training this year take care of, once I figure out what form that requires), filling out some sort of paperwork regarding my internship (of being an actual teacher,) and taking the PPR. I think.
    Also, today marks my re- commitment to O3: O6 primal. I'm contemplating a Whole 30, but want to brush up on it first.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  2. #2772
    naiadknight's Avatar
    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Odessa/ Midland, TX
    Posts
    11,980
    I think I'll start a Whole 30 after the leftover rice and the yogurt are gone. Wednesday, maybe.
    Today was good. I worked on the front yard (mowed the jungle, weed-ate, edge, and swept up trimmings and the porch), and washed (but not waxed) my car. Then we went out to eat. I got tilapia covered with ranchero sauce and cojack, with spanish rice on the side and a pretty decent side salad, as well two oysters, and ate chicaronnes with salsa instead of chips. Sunburned pretty badly (first degree, damn near second), but definitely got vitamin D today.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  3. #2773
    naiadknight's Avatar
    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Odessa/ Midland, TX
    Posts
    11,980
    Today was good. I ran (and completed without wanting to die) Week 3 Day 1 of C25K at the new pace, before work. Went to work, did some last minute set up we weren't told about until Sunday night, and got the show on the road. I'm chewing through the personality essays now.
    I completely missed lunch because I forgot it at home and didn't want to run back for it because I had lunch hall duty and I share the same lunch as the seniors (parking lot traffic jam.) Still haven't eaten today. Should probably find something to hold me over until Geek gets home.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  4. #2774
    naiadknight's Avatar
    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Odessa/ Midland, TX
    Posts
    11,980
    To be filed under "because it's me": I busted my ankle today at some point without realizing it. I only noticed when I sat down at home, rotated my left ankle and said "ow." Also, I'm not gonig to RICE it. I'll just walk it off.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  5. #2775
    naiadknight's Avatar
    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Odessa/ Midland, TX
    Posts
    11,980
    This post will be a brain dump and possibly triggering re:suicide.
    My depression has come back. I know how to get it back under control: paleo with an emphasis on omega balance and better carb numbers. Doing that after enjoying time with regular food is hard, doing that during Shark Week preseason is harder, tack on the depression and it feels close to impossible.
    How do I know it's really depression and not a part of the pre Shark Week festivities? The knives have started gaining more allure, more sparkle. The nasty little voice is advocating a permanent end to what isn't really pain. The horrible dulled apathy is here like an unwelcome houseguest. The brain fuzz, the horrible fog has descended. My mind keeps jumping to unwelcome topics and refusing to leave them.
    I worry over my McKinney Vento (legally identified as homeless or without a guardian) kids and how they're making it, especially the poor little soul that glommed onto me within the first couple days. I worry over the angry little souls that obviously can't express the real pain in their life. I worry kids may pick up on my depression and think that's how adulthood is or that its something they did.
    The seemingly endless, eternal dearth of worthiness scares me. I am worth love and my brain seems to be doing all in its power to convince me otherwise. I am worthy of life and producing life, but the demon depression believes otherwise.
    It's getting hard to differentiate between depression's thoughts and mine. I can feel ME fading, being replaced by the demon. I need to get back on track quick, but even thinking that feels like I'm berating myself for not being good enough to handle my own brain. I know the method. Going a bite, a mouthful at a time and not worrying beyond that one. What scares me is I can feel the orthorexia monster clawing at the door depression came through. How can I control the depression without succumbing to the orthorexia? There's too much to think of when I just don't want to think. A part of me wonders if I should just let the monsters win, but I know better. How did I do this before? I know it's just one foot in front of the other, but the journey seems so huge again. There's this huge drawn out battle in my head between the gods and I'm trying to traverse the battlefield without them seeing me.
    Why me, gods? Why give the person that's already been through hell just to get to adulthood even more hard battles? Give it to the person whose worst pain was a papercut. Give it to someone who hasn't had to fight tooth and claw for every tiny thing. Why me, goddammit? I didn't ask for a thick black veil. Why give me these demons? Did I somehow earn this? Did I somehow do this to myself? Am I proving my worthiness in a game no one told me I was in? I know the logical answers but the ones that stick to the brain aren't logical
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  6. #2776
    canio6's Avatar
    canio6 Guest
    Hugs

  7. #2777
    Pebbles67's Avatar
    Pebbles67 is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Mid-Hudson Valley New York
    Posts
    9,002
    Hello Lovely,

    I want you to know that all my demons are back with a vengeance as well. The self hatred, the self mistrust that go hand in hand with my addiction and eating disorder are constant companions. Every night for two months I have been wallowing in sugar, smothering feelings and just existing. I lay in bed at night with my heart pounding, feeling the advance of neuropathy in my feet and wondering when I will reach the final destination. I am killing myself by inches. or binges?

    Why? Personal issues, Financial stuff, Work issues, Tired of being broken...You name it.

    The reason I am telling you this is because my solution is exactly the same as yours. Get clean and stay clean. Because clean is better even if the circumstances do not change.

    Hugs

  8. #2778
    marcadav's Avatar
    marcadav is online now Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Posts
    2,211
    Have you considered the possibility of adding a T3 med (cytomel) as part of your thyroid protocol? It's been used to treat depression.

  9. #2779
    naiadknight's Avatar
    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Odessa/ Midland, TX
    Posts
    11,980
    Thank you, guys. The hugs were appreciated.
    P, maybe we can tag team this. Help each other stay on track and keep the demons at bay.
    Marc, I've asked repeatedly about Cytomel at the doc's and been shot down each time with "your numbers look fine." I don't think I have the oomph or leave to go doc shopping right now or break another one in. I tried the one that was supposed to be the best in the region, only to find she moved shop to Dallas and left her patients with diabetes endocrinologists.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  10. #2780
    namelesswonder's Avatar
    namelesswonder is online now Moderator
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    MA, USA
    Posts
    12,019
    More hugs! I wish I had insight for you. The illness is not worth letting win. I try not to think about my depression as another side of me, but an illness that requires treatment. It's hard, given the mental nature of the beast, but it helps.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •