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Thread: Still on the Warpath: Naiadknight's Battle Tome page 215

  1. #2141
    Sabine's Avatar
    Sabine is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by naiadknight View Post
    Eleven socially awkward people stood around in a tiny house and nobody died or went to jail, so Thanksgiving was a success.

  2. #2142
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    canio6 Guest
    Nice to hear everyone survived - middle sister and all

  3. #2143
    naiadknight's Avatar
    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    Yesterday was only mildly nonprimal/ sulfited. Indian food for dinner, including naan, rice, and whatever the crispy cumin covered tortilla looking thing was. Fourbucks a couple times, green tea (I hate that I hafta specify unsweet) and espresso macchiatto (two shots espresso with foam.) Paciugo (gelato) for dessert, including a pumpkin spice, a chocolate rum, a amaretto chocolate, and a tiramisu.
    Lots and LOTS of walking. My sister and I hit up Half Price Books, an outlet mall, and a regular mall. I can proudly say I only got what I needed and gifts. (Well, and a few more scarves and some first year teacher books.) We then picked up Geek, went to dinner, another Half Price, Fourbucks and dessert.
    Not so much on the sleep (6 AM is NOT my friend, but I got 2 free HPB tote bags and a gift card out of it.)
    Had some "play time" when we got back to the hotel, both online and insack.
    Plenty of sun, on top of my usual vit d dose, from the outlet mall.
    Minimal pain from all the walking and driving.
    We drive back today. First time ever that I'll be driving back from Dallas without starting out in pain.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  4. #2144
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    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    I've made the mistake tonight of thinking on my recovery work. How far I've come, how far I have to go.
    [TRIGGER WARNING]
    When I left home, I was angry at both my parents and most of the rest of the world. I was depressed, and off and on suicidal. I muddled through it. The drive for perfection made sure I kept going, plodding, on foot in front of the other.
    I was finally convinced to see a shrink. This one didn't suggest medication. He merely let me talk. And talk. And talk. He let me get the top layer, the worst of the moment, out of my system. Then my sessions were cut off, and I was told I had used up all my free sessions. I didn't have the $50/ week for therapy, and I sure wasn't asking Mom and Dad for money they didn't have. So I stopped going. If I ever meet that gentleman again, I need to thank him. He quite literally saved my life a few times, although, I'm not sure how aware of that he is. That student shrink is still the best therapist (besides Al Anon) I have ever dealt with.
    I started taking midnight walks with friends around campus. Talking, walking, about anything and to anywhere. College Guy mentioned using art as a method of release. I tried that, but I still hadn't found quite the release lever.
    I saw another school shrink two semesters later. That one was useless. I stopped going.
    I got into an abusive relationship (verbal and emotional, just what I knew.) I spiralled down for quite a long time (well, 8 months in hell will do that.) I almost switched schools for him, had the classes put in and was hunting for an apartment and everything. He broke up with me, using the ultimate gut punch of "you're too wild and manipulative." I transferred back to my college. My downward spiral continued. That summer I came desperately close to suicide, the closest I had ever been since my near attempt in high school. I refused to kill myself, but I wouldn't mind if someone killed me or I got some illness that would kill me. Talking to College Guy, Dallas Guy, and RA Chick was the only thing that kept me in this world.
    I went back to college in the fall. I was going through the motions, but I had my own apartment. I was extremely reclusive those first weeks. I painted. A lot. I tried to let my hermit crabs cheer me up (no go.) I had a breakthrough about Dad in that time, and forgave him for the alcoholism and the abuse. Physical scars heal much more quickly than emotional scars. My mother was still in a locked box in my mind I refused to touch.
    I met Geek that semester. That one was quite the whirlwind. I remember very little. I tried to forgive my mother. I still wasn't ready.
    I moved in with Geek the next winter. He gently encouraged e when I faced my past, but held me when I retreated.
    I moved on out here after college, with Geek. I kept trying to break that barrier. I kept flopping. Out of desperation, I saw a shrink and a therapist out here. Both were useless. One wanted me on every drug he could get his hands on, and the other was more interested in getting me out the door than helping me.
    Mentor, at one point when we worked together, tried to get me into Al Anon. It was in a church and I was WAYYY too atheist at that point for it to click. I left.
    I kept trying. I read everything I could get my hands on. I tried the useless meds. Two weeks of euphoria, then nothing. One even made it wirse, which is when I stopped meds altogether. I went suicidal off and on throughout this. Geek knew the routine: if I handed him my knives, it was BAD. If I handed him my knives and went into the backyard... those were some dark days.
    I found primal. It got rid of the depression, but the anxiety and my past were still there.
    I found the sulfites. That helped immensely with the anxiety, but my past was still there.
    I found Al Anon. My past came roaring back, but never more than I could handle. I have mostly forgiven my mother for her own depression and it's actions. I have truly forgiven my father. Other people and my memories, I'm still going that road. My rage still rears its head. My depression still says hello on occasion. But I'm a million times better than I was. I have a lot further to go to heal, but I can do it.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  5. #2145
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    vh67 is online now Senior Member
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    Naiad, the more I read from you, the more impressed I am with your inner strength. Learning to forgive and letling go of the past takes away its power over us. Al Anon is great a place to start, once you are ready. It helped me deal with a tough time in my life but unexpectedly helped me understand my parents, who were both children of addicts, better.

  6. #2146
    naiadknight's Avatar
    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    I'm actually in Al Anon, now. I found a book Mentor had handed me long ago, and started reading it after my firing. I eventually called and asked her to Sponsor me.
    My mother is the daughter of an addict and a martyr. My father is a drunk (in his own words, "because alcoholics go to meetings") son of two workaholics. My mother has further damage from several mental disorders. On my mother's side, I am in at least the 4th generation of people affected by alcoholism or addiction. I am also the one where the cycle stops, or I will be.
    I can understand my parents' behaviors better, and their trains of thought better. I may not like their decisions, but that is not my call.

    Thanksgiving is over, and I am home. Even after the misbehavior of yesterday (gyro with pita, sulfited fries, Fourbucks, Fourbucks energy drink), I am still under 120. Today is groceries, laundry, finalizing class expectations, and dinner with the in laws.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  7. #2147
    naiadknight's Avatar
    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    Today is the day I start my new career. Here's hoping it's the right one and it goes smoothly.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  8. #2148
    canio6's Avatar
    canio6 Guest
    Good luck!

  9. #2149
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    namelesswonder is offline Senior Member
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    Best of luck to you, though I don't think you need it
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Curing IBS-C with Vitamin C and magnesium citrate.

  10. #2150
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    Pebbles67 is offline Senior Member
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    Primal Blueprint Expert Certification
    You will do great! Have Fun.

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