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Thread: Still on the Warpath: Naiadknight's Battle Tome page 201

  1. #2001
    naiadknight's Avatar
    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    Primal Fuel
    Trust me, it's a good enough parody that all you need is a pop culture knowledge of Twilight. I think I love it so much because, even in being a parody of Twilight/ assorted vampire pop movies, it's still a better love story than Twilight.
    Today's wake up call was a "Goddammit!" and the sound of Geek chucking his work phone across the room. They're pulling him to Houston next week. Halloween is his favorite holiday, and he's already bought all the costume stuff. Last minute notice for travel is common with his firm. It's Niece's favorite holiday as well, and he was going to help her with her zombie make up. I'm trying to find words for how I feel. Confused. Something akin to sad that isn't truly sadness or shame. Mild anger (not rage) at his company. Anxiousness, because he's been my rock in this Al-Anon stuff, even if we really haven't spoken of it much. Mostly that not- quite- sad feeling that I can't name. I'm trying to allow myself to feel these emotions and not shove back down where they "belong."
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  2. #2002
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    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    Good. Geek managed to get out of going out of town. I feel relief and happiness, and still a tinge of anger towards his company. I also feel tired.
    Received my unemployment papers today. I'll be getting more per month than I did last year, but I only get 6.5 months of benefits at that rate. It's ok. Between that and my savings and tutoring money, we should be able to make it 10- 11 months, plus the joint slush fund I don't want to touch. I'm still nervous and worried about the unemployment not lasting long enough. I'm still ashamed of having to take it. I know my emotions are running high because I didn't sleep well or enough. I have another sad- but- not- quite emotion that I can't name. Maybe despair, insecurity, or feeling alone.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  3. #2003
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    namelesswonder is offline Moderator
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    I'm glad it worked out with Geek & Halloween. Remember that you can feel all of those things at once! I am reassured for you that you have the relative security of unemployment benefits at least for a little while.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  4. #2004
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    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    I can, and I know I do. I just need to be able to identify them to properly handle them. Most of my life, I've been able to name the 3 main emotions: sad, mad, glad. I had no healthy way of expressing them and handling them. It was dangerous. The shrink in college helped me see more emotions than just those 3. Being able to name and allowing myself to feel, not bottle, those emotions is part of my healing. The ones related to sad are the hardest ones to pick out and identify.
    Geek seems more supportive of the Al- Anon thing than I would have given him credit for. I think he's happy that I've found a way to deal with my past and move forward. He also seemed relieved when I said a belief in God isn't necessary for it to work and that I'm working with Mentor and not someone new that might make me anxious or withdraw into myself. He was worried about how I would handle him going out of town while I am unemployed and it seemed to calm him down when I mentioned that there are always meetings I can go to if I feel lonely or need people.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  5. #2005
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    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    A new post, and the last of Step One.
    I'm looking at a job as a CPS investigator, and I'm not sure if I'd be able to handle it. I think it would be rewarding, but, given that I've seen the other side of it, I don't know that I could handle it day in and day out.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  6. #2006
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    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    Narrowly avoided bad food this evening. I want pizza, but we ended up getting burgers from Five Guys (the only place in the area where I can eat fries.)
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  7. #2007
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    So glad geek will be home and that you have a little breathing room with the benefits.

    I understand the new unidentifiable emotion problem. Because I have been clean of my drug (sugar & carbs) for a while, all the emotions that I usually stuff down are coming up. Not fun, but necessary for healing.

  8. #2008
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    CPS work is incredibly stressful. You might not want to take that on at this point.

  9. #2009
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    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    Sabine, I thought hard about it and decided that's not my path right now. Maybe eventually, but right now I need to heal me before I can help others.
    Paula, thanks for the encouragement. Yesterday I had a memory surface from when I was very small. So small, in fact, that I'm not sure anything but the emotions and general idea of the scene are true. I was finally able to feel and pinpoint those emotions (confusion, fear, shame.) Hurt like hell, especially since it doesn't seem like the start, just where my memory picks up.
    I woke up with a sense of serenity and a smile. One where it seems like your day will be good regardless of how bad it goes. Those are rare, but becoming less so.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  10. #2010
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    A couple new posts, one on the memory I mentioned above, one on Step 2.
    I'm down to 118.6 lb, 5 lb away from my post college low.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

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