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Thread: Still on the Warpath: Naiadknight's Battle Tome page 195

  1. #1941
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    Applied at the local school district as well. They must have an automated system for it beyond the app system. One of my references has already heard gotten a reference form the district and I finished turning in the app after 5.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  2. #1942
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    Quote Originally Posted by naiadknight View Post
    Applied at the local school district as well. They must have an automated system for it beyond the app system. One of my references has already heard gotten a reference form the district and I finished turning in the app after 5.
    Seeing as how it took at least a month for the boy child's 4th grade class to get a "permanent substitute", I'm not surprised.
    Most people don't realize how much energy it takes for me to pretend to be normal.

    If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I'd fart.

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  3. #1943
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    I've had a bit of alcohol and another action that helps me get beyond my scars. Time to start talking. I may delete this in the morning or edit it if I don't approve of what I've done.
    I was raised in a home where physical affection happened very little. I watched other children be kissed by their parents and wonder what was wrong. Kissing was a very sexual, adult thing the way I was raised. We got hugs every once in a while, but rarely were they reciprocated by our parents. Touch, aside from being hit, just didn't happen. It was deemed too adult for children. We got hugs and (nonlip) kisses from our grandparents and hugs if mom and dad were leaving us somewhere. Even then, they were 90* hugs, not face to face. I've worked beyond that, but giving anyone (but Geek) anything beyond a 90* or side to side hug scares me still. It's still too sexual, because I haven't worked past those. We received more hits than hugs. I don't know why Mom and Dad didn't hug us. Guess I never will. Watching children be hugged and kissed by their parents still gives me the willies, although I still chalk it up to my past and leave it be. My siblings and I rarely hug, and when we do, it's a 90* hug. (I know what happened was wrong and shouldn't have happened NOW.) I guess we weren't a very affectionate family. I remember trying to hug Mom several times when she was in the deep holes of depression, trying to make her feel better, and getting, at best, a disconnected pat on the back and "I'll be fine, go play." I remember being scared to hug Dad because of the booze. I remember going to hug a sibling and seeing the fear in their eyes, then backing off. if I have ever hugged you and have gotten a hip hug, that's why.
    Thankfully, I have a disconnect between Cupid love and familial love, or I'd have trouble with sex. That disconnect allows me to have a mostly healthy sex life and love life. Family life and connection to children... I'm still feeling my way on that one. Geek's family is slowly introducing me to a proper and healthy family physical relationship, the one I never saw as a child. MIL is quietly trying to draw me out of my shell and out of my fear. She's helping me realize that a hug and a kiss doesn't mean I hafta watch my back or worry about rape, and that love does not mean fear. She's been in my position, kinda, so she's a good one to watch.
    (Rape is another topic that rides on my mind more than it should. I don't know if that means my parents just overinstilled that fear of if it and refused contact because of it, or if actually happened. I don't know. I don't remember any mental blocks or actions, but I could have buried them. Because of how my memory fuzzes my past, I can't know.)
    I'm starting to sober up and clam up, so good night.
    Last edited by naiadknight; 10-15-2013 at 01:32 AM.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  4. #1944
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    You were up late! If we ever meet in person, let me know what kind of greeting will make you comfortable . I'm a hugger.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  5. #1945
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    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    You were up late! If we ever meet in person, let me know what kind of greeting will make you comfortable . I'm a hugger.
    ^This.
    somehow I manage to leave my intelligence and decorum at the door wherever I go. I doubt your journal will be an exception to that - not on the rug

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  6. #1946
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    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    You were up late! If we ever meet in person, let me know what kind of greeting will make you comfortable . I'm a hugger.
    Vulcan Mind Meld seems to work just fine.

    Oh. Wait. Wrong one. NK. Just say HI and fall in.
    Most people don't realize how much energy it takes for me to pretend to be normal.

    If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I'd fart.

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  7. #1947
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    I go with the flow. Hugging doesn't particularly bother me, I just don't tend to think to initiate. Kissing as family is what seems to be the hang up.
    I was up for a little while (until 1 or so) leveling a toon in GW2, then the booze made me "brave" enough to attack that particular demon.
    Twibble pretty much hit it. I may not give you much time to hug me because I may not shut up or stand still long enough for it to happen.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  8. #1948
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    I hopped on the scale just now to see the lowest weight I've seen since leaving MIL's place after college. 122.2. I can feel another purge wanting to build, too.
    I like the way my body looks now. Geek mentioned my highest college weight (115) as a goal, but I think with the muscle (and boob) I've put on since then, 115 might be too low. I've also noticed I'm having to use a belt with my jeans to keep from hiking them up, and the bands on certain bras are too big now.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  9. #1949
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    I'm a hugger when it comes to Clint and the girls and people that I haven't seen in a long time, but I'm not a higher with my sisters. It was funny, at Tristan's latest CX meet, she ran up to me and hugged me. I never did that with my mom. I'm grateful that she feels like she can do that with me.
    Last edited by geostump; 10-15-2013 at 10:12 AM.

  10. #1950
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    Mom and Dad ingrained into us that certain types of hugs and most kisses were reserved for the person you marry/ date. I don't recall them saying as much, it just seemed like an omnipresent fact.
    I tried making bread last night, to see if it messes with my allergy. Geek interfered with the rising and effectively killed the yeast by warming the oven up too much on the second rise. We baked the bread anyways, but I had to run and get bolillos for dinner. I don't know whether it was my bread or the bolillo from HEB or the cheese or all 3 that gave me the sore throat and gas. Don't look at me like that, you can't have Phillies without cheese. I already know cheese causes problems (any cheese.) Tonight will be a test to see if cream causes problems (Alfredo sauce.)
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

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