I can't do this. I'm fucked up enough as it is, I don't need the added weight of being unemployed. What the hell is wrong with me? Obviously, there's some lesson I'm not learning. Some lesson in regards to the working world or interacting with other humans. Hell, it may be some lesson I learned as a kid that I now need to unlearn. Who knows, maybe I really am as stupid, lazy, and imperfect as that little nagging voice claims I am. Hey, there's the suicide voice, go away now.
You know how they say if you keep butting your head against the same wall, it still won't open? That's how I'm feeling. What was once an open doorway is now a brick wall. You get enough concussions and you have no desire for another. I think Local Firm was my last concussion.
I feel awake. More so than I have in years. Not physically awake, but emotionally, spiritually. There's a storm out there with my name on it, but I choose which boat to build. Obviously, the engineering boat I've made has been battered beyond repair. Time to build a new one. But which one, which way to build it?
I also wonder if maybe this is a lesson I've been shown time and again, one I've ignored every time I could. Teamwork. Equal doesn't mean the same. I don't like and distrust very deeply placing a portion of my fate in someone's hands. I'm afraid they'll fuck it up and I'll be fucked through no action of my own. I'm afraid to trust someone else, as those I should be able to trust the most were the first ones in my life to break my trust. Geek has shown no reason for me to mistrust him. He's shown every reason I should be able to trust him. I can trust him with everything else, but trusting him to always be there... even though he's shown he would and always will, I can't. Too many time has my trust in others been ripped away.
I think that's my lesson. Trust. Belief that something will always be there. I honestly think it would be easier to grow a second head than to trust anyone again, completely, even Geek. How do you make that leap? How do you jump into someone's arms without worrying they'll drop you when load gets too heavy? How do you go from defensively self reliant to trusting someone not to let you fall? How do you just... let go?