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Thread: Still on the Warpath: Naiadknight's Battle Tome page 191

  1. #1901
    naiadknight's Avatar
    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    Since we're now inadvertently doing the SNAP challenge, here's what we got for 2 people for 5 day for $21.27, including Geek's tea and my water.
    Leftover heart, peppers, rice, and onions from Saturday
    Chicken tarmartar curry (chicken thighs- $1/ lb ($4.28), tomatos- $0.74/ lb (2.19), onion- already had, garlic- already had, ginger- already had, and spices, plus yogurt- $2.38/ quart and flour in pantry for naan and rice)
    Chile verde (pork butt- $1.09/ lb, poblano peppers- $1.78/ lb ($0.84), jalapenos- $0.88/ lb ($1.28), tomatillos- $0.98/ lb (1.01), onion, garlic, spices)
    Leftovers
    Leftovers (Both recipes make a huge batch.)
    If we run out of leftovers, I go buy more cheap chicken and some lettuce for grilled chicken salads.
    This leaves me with another $32.73 for Saturday with the guys (now changed to potluck saturday, we provide main course.) With the sales going on right now, it's fairly viable, if you don't mind repetitive food. even if you throw in cost for what I already had, sans spices, we'd still have ~$30 left.
    Last edited by naiadknight; 10-07-2013 at 03:13 PM.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  2. #1902
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    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    I can't do this. I'm fucked up enough as it is, I don't need the added weight of being unemployed. What the hell is wrong with me? Obviously, there's some lesson I'm not learning. Some lesson in regards to the working world or interacting with other humans. Hell, it may be some lesson I learned as a kid that I now need to unlearn. Who knows, maybe I really am as stupid, lazy, and imperfect as that little nagging voice claims I am. Hey, there's the suicide voice, go away now.
    You know how they say if you keep butting your head against the same wall, it still won't open? That's how I'm feeling. What was once an open doorway is now a brick wall. You get enough concussions and you have no desire for another. I think Local Firm was my last concussion.
    I feel awake. More so than I have in years. Not physically awake, but emotionally, spiritually. There's a storm out there with my name on it, but I choose which boat to build. Obviously, the engineering boat I've made has been battered beyond repair. Time to build a new one. But which one, which way to build it?
    I also wonder if maybe this is a lesson I've been shown time and again, one I've ignored every time I could. Teamwork. Equal doesn't mean the same. I don't like and distrust very deeply placing a portion of my fate in someone's hands. I'm afraid they'll fuck it up and I'll be fucked through no action of my own. I'm afraid to trust someone else, as those I should be able to trust the most were the first ones in my life to break my trust. Geek has shown no reason for me to mistrust him. He's shown every reason I should be able to trust him. I can trust him with everything else, but trusting him to always be there... even though he's shown he would and always will, I can't. Too many time has my trust in others been ripped away.
    I think that's my lesson. Trust. Belief that something will always be there. I honestly think it would be easier to grow a second head than to trust anyone again, completely, even Geek. How do you make that leap? How do you jump into someone's arms without worrying they'll drop you when load gets too heavy? How do you go from defensively self reliant to trusting someone not to let you fall? How do you just... let go?
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  3. #1903
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    You don't. You scrabble at the edges & get cut & bruised and you cut & bruise someone else. And they brush it off because they love you, you help each other apply the bandages, and you keep going until you're both on the same boat. You trust that you can build trust.

    Or you find an epiphany.

    (I hope this is not too harsh. I see myself in what you are saying and I can see in my mind the # of times I have written the same thing in countless journals. Trust is hard, but it's the only way.)
    Last edited by namelesswonder; 10-07-2013 at 06:28 PM.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
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  4. #1904
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    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    I need to print that first paragraph out, Tasha. Print it out and post it everywhere and carry it in my wallet. That was what I needed to hear.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  5. #1905
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    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    For future reference, something that explains why my past fucks with my future so bad.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  6. #1906
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    Wow naiad! Thank you for posting that link...I've only read a little & will read more later...but it sure explains a lot as to my hubby's childhood.

    I am truly sorry you have such issues. Being a mother, my heart hurts for you...I just want to gather you up & just hug you till you squeal! (I'm a rather demonstrative person, can't help it.).

    (((((Hugs))))
    Goal: Don't worry be happy!

  7. #1907
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    Sorry for the emotional shitstorm, Naiad. Truly sorry. Here's a hug as I have zero advice or uplifting sentiment to share. I hope things blow over soon and you find your niche.

    Off to LinkedIn to find you. I hope you'll accept my connection request so I can endorse the living hell out of you.
    Primal since March 5, 2012
    SW: 221 | CW: 182 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)




  8. #1908
    naiadknight's Avatar
    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    THanks, PC.
    Jenn, I accepted the connection.
    I need to do some verbal spill in order to figure out how to CBT myself. TRIGGER WARNING
    Most of my childhood issues stem from fear. Fear of being hit. Fear of being abandoned. Fear of not being good enough for the attention I needed and deserved. How do I get around that fear and retrain it? By retraining my reactions. I may not be able to as yet control my subconscious reactions, the ones guiding the fear reactions, but I can overlay them. With each action, with each thought, there must be a premeditated replacement action or thought that is healthy.
    Below are the action, thought, or environmental trigger, my reaction, the healthy response, and a replacement reaction.
    A quickly raised hand- fear, flinching, adrenaline- no reaction- remind self that fear of being hit is no longer necessary, control breathing
    Raised voice- fear, adrenaline, desire to flee- pay closer attention- Raised voice is not necessarily indicative of inadequacy or failure and may not even be directed at self. Control breathing, resist urge to flee physically or emotionally.
    action to do- impulse for perfection, leading to procrastination so I can't fuck it up and attention to minute details not critical to overall job- do the job, put behind them- Create action list, from beginning to end of action, but only a rough list, not a perfect list. Start immediately. Remove sources of procrastination. Work through action, from top to bottom. Ask questions if unsure. Once action complete, double check and make corrections before declaring complete.
    Criticism and advice- fear of imperfection, fear of abandonment, anger that they dare (fear in disguise)- ???- Listen to criticism and advice. If not useful, discard. Control breathing. Concentrate on tone, not message to hear whether fear of imperfection is justified.
    Trust- mistrust, as all love in life has been yanked away before- innate- Start small. Examine fears of abandonment, hitting, imperfection leading to abandonment, and fear of misuse at length, in turn. Upon feelings of mistrust, identify and identify root fear. Put fear away, back in it's box, remind self that fear is unnecessary. Continue on with trust, even fake trust, until mistrust situation resolved.
    Showing emotion- fear of reciprocal action, as extreme emotions always earned abandonment or hitting- learns over time which emotions are acceptable to the general public, shows all emotions in private or around loved ones- allow self to feel emotion. Use context clues and surrounding people to determine allowable emotional status.
    Fear of having children- fear of inadequacy, failure, and abandonment, extreme fear of failure-???, but not the one I have- Adjust expectations. Talk with MIL more. Spend more time with Niece. "Children are resilient." "You are not your parents."
    I think most of my issues stem from fear of rejection and abandonment. Allowing myself to be and feel loved would go a long way to curing myself. Allowing myself to openly love, without embarrassment or fear of retribution would be a step as well.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  9. #1909
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    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    I think that was my next step. I got done writing it and had this sense of peace. Not necessarily calm, or serenity, but more of almost a sense of Divine approval and the Angels (or whatever guardian spirits there are) going "Yes, that's it. Keep going, we're behind you all the way!" I hope I get a job soon, but I want this CBT stuff to become a habit, job or no job.
    I succeeded at the hair salon. I finally got a hair cut that looks really good on me, and the stylist seemed to really want it right. I'd say she succeeded. Between that and the new red hair, I feel better about my appearance. My success at the hair salon wasn't just in getting my hair right. The lady tended to make a lot of sudden movements, which are not my friend. I was able to keep my calm and not get anxious over it. Partially through just keeping my eyes closed, but also by remembering the peace associated with my CBT decision.
    Dinner is chili verde de puerco (pork green pepper chili.) Still waiting on the crock pot, but it smells good!
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  10. #1910
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    Primal Blueprint Expert Certification
    Yay for fresh hair! (Would love to see it if you don't mind sharing )
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Curing IBS-C with Vitamin C and magnesium citrate.

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