Shit like what just happened makes me wonder if I can handle having kids. The dog destroyed her cardboard box that held all her toys. She has gone after it a few times, and each time, we corrected with escalating punishments. This time, I didn't catch my anger in time. I hit her a couple times while I was showing it to her and saying "no" before I tethered her. Nothing that will do anything more physically than sting for a few seconds. But the fact that I hit her before I caught myself has me scared. I love that dog, but stupid shit like that when I know she's smart enough to not do it triggers me. I'm afraid of what I might do to a child.
I know a shrink would say that it's because I was physically disciplined in anger as a child up until I was 10 or 12, so I see it as normal even when I don't in my human brain, and that I'm projecting my anger against my middle sister (who never applied herself, the one I failed in raising who is now in jail) onto the dog.
I don't care.
It still scares me that I could lose my temper and go after another living being like that, even if it is for something the creature refuses to learn. I'm so afraid I'll do one of two things with kids: go my mother's route and emotionally torture them or go my father's route and physically discipline them for something that does not warrant it. The worst would be if I started doing both. I have anger issues and I know very few viable? right? healthy? ways to deal with them when it's directed at someone or something else. I lash out or redirect it inside until I blow, unless I'm able to catch it and redirect it with some tricks a therapist taught me.
I want kids, but I don't want to fuck them up like I'm fucked up.