Still on the Warpath: Naiadknight's Battle Tome page 12

[naiadknight]

One of my problems with food is that when I am out (at a friend's, party, or restaurant) I feel like I deserve to 'treat myself'. And usually the available 'treats' are NOT primal. Today I had ice cream. An aggravating aspect is that if I exert my willpower and don't have a treat, my mind seems to keep a tally, and pesters me until I eat one. One treat per event(minimum), that's just what brain seems to require.

I rarely have that issue, mostly because the event itself is the "treat." (Childhood instillments again.) I can see the thought path that would take you there, though.

[naiadknight]

Shit like what just happened makes me wonder if I can handle having kids. The dog destroyed her cardboard box that held all her toys. She has gone after it a few times, and each time, we corrected with escalating punishments. This time, I didn't catch my anger in time. I hit her a couple times while I was showing it to her and saying "no" before I tethered her. Nothing that will do anything more physically than sting for a few seconds. But the fact that I hit her before I caught myself has me scared. I love that dog, but stupid shit like that when I know she's smart enough to not do it triggers me. I'm afraid of what I might do to a child.
I know a shrink would say that it's because I was physically disciplined in anger as a child up until I was 10 or 12, so I see it as normal even when I don't in my human brain, and that I'm projecting my anger against my middle sister (who never applied herself, the one I failed in raising who is now in jail) onto the dog.
I don't care.
It still scares me that I could lose my temper and go after another living being like that, even if it is for something the creature refuses to learn. I'm so afraid I'll do one of two things with kids: go my mother's route and emotionally torture them or go my father's route and physically discipline them for something that does not warrant it. The worst would be if I started doing both. I have anger issues and I know very few viable? right? healthy? ways to deal with them when it's directed at someone or something else. I lash out or redirect it inside until I blow, unless I'm able to catch it and redirect it with some tricks a therapist taught me.
I want kids, but I don't want to fuck them up like I'm fucked up.

[Pebbles67]

You have an understanding of you own nature and know what your parents did was wrong. I do not believe you would do the same. I have hit my own dog and my goat in frustration. The goat has horns, so I don't do that much.

[Sabine]

Remorse plus knowing what you want to avoid are great motivators, but I think you would be wise to wait until you feel ready. That self-confidence is the best thing you can have when tackling parenthood.

[naiadknight]

Have managed to avoid outright trash so far tonight at the in laws. It was torta night, so I had a bowl of slow cooker beast, lettuce, salsa, tomato, and avocado, as well as a few handfuls of Lays. If I can avoid the chocolate roll, tonight will be a success.

[canio6]

Sounds like some good food. I love how you call meat beast. Cracks me up every time.

[naiadknight]

When I use "beast", 99% of the time I mean beef. I did threaten to barbecue the dog earlier, though....

[canio6]

When I use "beast", 99% of the time I mean beef. I did threaten to barbecue the dog earlier, though....

Yeah, I have said that a time or two myself. Damned little weasel is faster than me though.

[namelesswonder]

I have been in the same boat with animals and fear of not controlling myself around children. But I've been around some pretty obnoxious kids for hours at a time and while I am sure it is different when they're your own progeny, I'm sure that when I'm ready to handle birthing, I'll be ready to handle tantrums too. And when in doubt, you walk away (as long as the child is safe) and breathe. Different from animals, since not catching the behavior immediately doesn't work so well, but kids can wait.

[naiadknight]

With all the kids I've handled as an adult, I know I would.... I know it is highly unlikely I would strike a child in anger. With even the most irritating child and the worst temper tantrum, the worst the kid got was "unless you really want things to get worse, I'd suggest you calm down or do your best to fake it," coupled with The Look. I haven't struck a child since I was a child.