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  1. #81
    NZ primal Gwamma's Avatar
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    A radio station in the Australia recently ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moments in listeners lives.
    The following are the final four place getters:

    4th place
    "While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
    some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab
    hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
    I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished.
    To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!".
    The silence was deafening, after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped
    what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
    The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter."

    3rd place
    "It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.
    When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "surprise".
    My entire family, ... aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
    Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again."

    2nd place
    "A lady picked up several items at a discount store.When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
    Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the public address system
    and boomed out for all the store to hear; "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."
    That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks".
    In a very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the public address system:
    DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU BELT IN
    WITH A HAMMER?"

    AND THE WINNER IS!
    This one happened at a major Australian University in October last year.
    In a biology lecture, a professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
    A young female first year, raised her hand and asked,
    "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?"
    "That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add some statistical data.
    Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
    After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books, and without a word walked out of the class, and never returned.
    However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply is a
    classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question,
    "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue not the back of your throat!"
    "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

    ...small steps....

  2. #82
    lambchop's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by NZ primal Gwamma View Post
    A radio station in the Australia recently ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moments in listeners lives.
    The following are the final four place getters:

    4th place
    "While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
    some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab
    hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
    I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished.
    To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!".
    The silence was deafening, after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped
    what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
    The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter."

    3rd place
    "It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.
    When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "surprise".
    My entire family, ... aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
    Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again."

    2nd place
    "A lady picked up several items at a discount store.When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
    Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the public address system
    and boomed out for all the store to hear; "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."
    That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks".
    In a very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the public address system:
    DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU BELT IN
    WITH A HAMMER?"

    AND THE WINNER IS!
    This one happened at a major Australian University in October last year.
    In a biology lecture, a professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
    A young female first year, raised her hand and asked,
    "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?"
    "That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add some statistical data.
    Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
    After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books, and without a word walked out of the class, and never returned.
    However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply is a
    classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question,
    "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue not the back of your throat!"
    hahaha

  3. #83
    drssgchic's Avatar
    drssgchic is offline Senior Member
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    What's a joke thread without UU jokes?

    How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    It Takes 300:

    12 to sit on the board which appoints the nominating and personnel committee.
    5 to sit on the the nominating and personnel committee which appoints the House committee.
    8 to sit on the house committee which appoints the light bulb changing committee.
    4 to sit on the light bulb-changing committee which chooses who will screw in the light bulb. 3 of those 4 then give their own opinion of “screwing in methods” while the one actually does the installation.
    After completion it takes 100 individuals to complain about the method of installation, another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the light bulb at all, and at least one to insist that back in her day the lit chalice was quite enough.

    How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb. During next Sunday’s service, we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

    How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    NONE! We don’t screw in light bulbs. We screw in sleeping bags.
    http://cattaillady.com/ My blog exploring the beginning stages of learning how to homestead. With the occasional rant.

    Originally Posted by TheFastCat: Less is more more or less

    And now I have an Etsy store: CattailsandCalendula

  4. #84
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    Quote Originally Posted by drssgchic View Post
    What's a joke thread without UU jokes?

    How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    It Takes 300:

    12 to sit on the board which appoints the nominating and personnel committee.
    5 to sit on the the nominating and personnel committee which appoints the House committee.
    8 to sit on the house committee which appoints the light bulb changing committee.
    4 to sit on the light bulb-changing committee which chooses who will screw in the light bulb. 3 of those 4 then give their own opinion of “screwing in methods” while the one actually does the installation.
    After completion it takes 100 individuals to complain about the method of installation, another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the light bulb at all, and at least one to insist that back in her day the lit chalice was quite enough.

    How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb. During next Sunday’s service, we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

    How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    NONE! We don’t screw in light bulbs. We screw in sleeping bags.
    I LOVE IT!! I am currently attending a UU, and came from a very patriarchal-hierarchical church, and frequently get the "OMG, WILL YOU PEOPLE MAKE A DECISION ON THE CARPETING COLOR ALREADY, FOR FRACK's SAKE!!" twitches.

    Although, in their defense, it is a lesson in a very democratic way of approaching stuff.
    I have a mantra that I have spouted for years... "If I eat right, I feel right. If I feel right, I exercise right. If I exercise right, I think right. If I think right, I eat right..." Phil-SC

  5. #85
    NZ primal Gwamma's Avatar
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    hahahahahahahaha - very clever...........
    "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

    ...small steps....

  6. #86
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    A woman out shopping with her husband spots a pair of boots she loves.
    The husband says: ? ”No chance love, they’re way too expensive”

    Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck
    and places his hand on her hip.

    She turns to him and says. ”I don’t think so, pal....
    If you’re not prepared to shoe the horse then you sure as hell aren’t riding it”
    "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

    ...small steps....

  7. #87
    drssgchic's Avatar
    drssgchic is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crabbcakes View Post
    I LOVE IT!! I am currently attending a UU, and came from a very patriarchal-hierarchical church, and frequently get the "OMG, WILL YOU PEOPLE MAKE A DECISION ON THE CARPETING COLOR ALREADY, FOR FRACK's SAKE!!" twitches.

    Although, in their defense, it is a lesson in a very democratic way of approaching stuff.
    Yeah- though sometimes it's democracy gone wrong. Although you gotta love a group that laughs at itself on purpose- I've heard every one of those actually at church.
    http://cattaillady.com/ My blog exploring the beginning stages of learning how to homestead. With the occasional rant.

    Originally Posted by TheFastCat: Less is more more or less

    And now I have an Etsy store: CattailsandCalendula

  8. #88
    NZ primal Gwamma's Avatar
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    Subject: Fw: This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!!

    The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we
    had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern
    where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

    Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

    OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it
    for old time's sake?'

    Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

    A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
    having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two
    old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so
    there's no trouble. So he follows them.

    The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support
    aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and
    make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man
    drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
    Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has
    ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud
    noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on
    the ground.

    The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and
    old age that he didn't know..

    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
    struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is
    still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask
    them what their secret is.

    So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was
    something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some
    sort of secret to this?'

    Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

    'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
    "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

    ...small steps....

  9. #89
    drssgchic's Avatar
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    Favorite blond joke ever:

    Why are blond jokes so short?

    So the brunettes can understand 'em
    http://cattaillady.com/ My blog exploring the beginning stages of learning how to homestead. With the occasional rant.

    Originally Posted by TheFastCat: Less is more more or less

    And now I have an Etsy store: CattailsandCalendula

  10. #90
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    Quote Originally Posted by drssgchic View Post
    What's a joke thread without UU jokes?

    How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    It Takes 300:

    12 to sit on the board which appoints the nominating and personnel committee.
    5 to sit on the the nominating and personnel committee which appoints the House committee.
    8 to sit on the house committee which appoints the light bulb changing committee.
    4 to sit on the light bulb-changing committee which chooses who will screw in the light bulb. 3 of those 4 then give their own opinion of “screwing in methods” while the one actually does the installation.
    After completion it takes 100 individuals to complain about the method of installation, another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the light bulb at all, and at least one to insist that back in her day the lit chalice was quite enough.

    How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb. During next Sunday’s service, we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

    How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    NONE! We don’t screw in light bulbs. We screw in sleeping bags.
    There needs to be an interpretive dance in here somewhere. ETA: Ah! It is in there! Perfect!!

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