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Thread: for shits and giggles page 6

  1. #51
    Shelly6's Avatar
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    One day in a small town, a hypnotist came to visit. Everyone went to Town Hall to see him, a bit skeptical.

    The hypnotist took the stage, and said "When I bring out my pocket watch, you'll all be under my spell and do exactly as I say".

    He brought out the watch and moved it back and forth, and within seconds the entire town was under his command.

    The hypnotist went to put his watch back into his pocket and accidentally dropped it. "Oh, shit" he said.

    It took them 3 weeks to clean Town Hall....

  2. #52
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    One day, a young man got a phone call from his elderly, widowed neighbor. "I have a puzzle here" she said, "And I cannot seem to figure it out. I can't even get it started. Would you please come over and help me?"

    "Sure", said the young man. He hung up the phone and walked to her house and knocked on the front door.

    "It's in the kitchen", the old woman said as she led him down the hallway. "See if you can make heads or tails of it, because I certainly cannot!"

    "I'll do my best", he replied. "What is the puzzle supposed to be when it's done, anyway?"

    "It's a chicken", she responded.

    As they entered the kitchen, the young man studied the picture on the puzzle box. He stared at the pieces for a few minutes, and tried to stifle the smile coming over his face.

    "OK," he said, trying to be kind with his words. "Honestly? There is no way you're ever going to make this puzzle look like a chicken. Now come on". He gently took her hand in his, and said "Let's put the Corn Flakes back in the box now"....

  3. #53
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    JoanieL is offline Senior Member
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    Omg Shelly, I fear that may be me someday.

  4. #54
    NZ primal Gwamma's Avatar
    NZ primal Gwamma is offline Senior Member
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    last night my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them
    "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens - just pull the plug"
    they got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine
    the little bastards...............
    "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

    ...small steps....

  5. #55
    NZ primal Gwamma's Avatar
    NZ primal Gwamma is offline Senior Member
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    some people just suck the nice right out of me
    "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

    ...small steps....

  6. #56
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    some people just suck the nice right out of me
    i am so gonna get a tattoo saying that!

  7. #57
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    Quote Originally Posted by NZ primal Gwamma View Post
    last night my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them
    "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens - just pull the plug"
    they got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine
    the little bastards...............
    ha!

  8. #58
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    Caviar is simply fish eggs that are sold at a very high price

    It is a medical fact that women die with some eggs still in their bodies

    I propose that we harvest those eggs and sell them

    I present to you, cadaviar
    Randal
    AKA: Texas Grok

    Quote Originally Posted by texas.grok View Post
    Facebook is to intelligence what a black hole is to light
    http://hardcoremind.com/

  9. #59
    canio6's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by texas.grok View Post
    Caviar is simply fish eggs that are sold at a very high price

    It is a medical fact that women die with some eggs still in their bodies

    I propose that we harvest those eggs and sell them

    I present to you, cadaviar
    So wrong on so many levels...


    So...

    A woman brings her lover home during the day and soon they are taking care of business on the bed.
    Unbeknowst to them the woman's 9 year old son comes home. Curious as to what is happening he hides in the closet to watch.
    Suddenly the woman's husband comes home early and the lover hides in the closet not knowing the boy is there.

    "Sure is dark in here," the lover hears the boy say.
    "Uh, yeah..." he replies.
    "I have a baseball," the boy says, "Do you want to buy it?"
    The lover says, "No"
    "Well, I will just go tell me dad you are in here then," the boy says.
    "Fine! How much?" the man asks.
    "$500" the boy says.
    The man pays and lives another day.

    A week later the same senario plays out.

    "Sure is dark in here," the lover hears the boy say.
    "Uh, yeah..." he replies.
    "I have a baseball glove," the boy says, "Do you want to buy it?"
    The lover says, "No"
    "Well, I will just go tell me dad you are in here then," the boy says.
    "Fine! How much?" the man asks.
    "$500" the boy says.
    The man pays and lives another day.

    The next weekend the dad asks his son if he wants to throw the baseball around. The boy says he would love to but that he sold his glove and ball.

    "How much for?" the dad asks.
    "$1000" the boy replies.

    The dad is horrified that his son would take advantage of one of his little friends this way so drags him to church for confession.
    The boy is inside the confessional and says, "Sure is dark in here."

    The priest replies, "Don't start with that shit; you are in my closet now."

  10. #60
    NZ primal Gwamma's Avatar
    NZ primal Gwamma is offline Senior Member
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    what is a calorie ??????
    calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe @ night and sew your clothes tighter.
    My closet is infested with the little buggars !!!!!
    "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

    ...small steps....

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