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Thread: for shits and giggles page 10

  1. #91
    NZ primal Gwamma's Avatar
    NZ primal Gwamma is offline Senior Member
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    Primal Fuel
    according to my BMI chart...........

    ......... I am too short !
    "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

    ...small steps....

  2. #92
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    phigment is offline Senior Member
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    Here is a link for those naysayers about benefits of bread. They probally are criminals plotting there next heist. :-P

    The Dangers Of Bread - Laugh Break

  3. #93
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    (From a Foster Brooks clip.)

    A man is walking down Main Street in the very small town in which he lives. One church, everyone knows everyone. He sees the pastor, who is known for always riding his bicycle walking toward him.

    “Pastor, where is your bicycle?”

    “Someone stole it,” the pastor replied. “I really don’t know what to do.”

    “Well, Pastor, you know on Sunday, everyone will be at church. Why don’t you preach about the Ten Commandments, and when you get to #8, Thou shalt not steal, say it very loudly and try to make eye contact with everyone in the church. Surely someone will look guilty.”

    “That’s a very good idea,” the Pastor says, “I may just do that.”

    Sunday rolls around and the man is waiting for the pastor to talk about the Ten Commandments. Sure enough, the pastor begins preaching the Ten Commandments, but much to the man’s surprise, when the pastor gets to ‘Thou shalt not steal,’ he glosses right over it like any of the other commandments.

    The man waits for the pastor after church and asks, “Pastor, why didn’t you emphasize the 8th Commandment and see if anyone looked guilty?”

    The pastor answered, “Because when I got to #7, Thou shalt not commit adultery, I remembered where I’d left my bike!”
    "Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine

    B*tch-lite

    We're men, Gus; the world is our toilet.

  4. #94
    NZ primal Gwamma's Avatar
    NZ primal Gwamma is offline Senior Member
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    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that her name is Patricia Whack.
    “Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday”.
    Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his Dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
    Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says
    “Sure I have this.” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall – bright pink and perfectly formed.
    Very confused Pattie explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manger and disappears into the back office.
    She finds the manager and says
    “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral “
    She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
    “I mean what the world is this “…………............................................. .
    "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

    ...small steps....

  5. #95
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    You’re gonna love this ……………..









    It’s a real treat……………………
    "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

    ...small steps....

  6. #96
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    The bank manager looks at her and says
    “It’s a knick knack Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old mans a Rolling Stone”
    "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

    ...small steps....

  7. #97
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    Groooooooan - that one physically hurt, Gwamma. LOL

    In days of old, a newly crowned island king decided he wanted his throne room to be the highest room in the village. So the villagers, even though they thought the whole notion was very arrogant, got together and built a second floor to the king's grass hut. Then they carefully and laboriously carried the throne up to the second floor. All was fine until a few months later when the throne crashed through the floor and killed the king who happened to be walking under it.

    And the moral of the story? People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
    "Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine

    B*tch-lite

    We're men, Gus; the world is our toilet.

  8. #98
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    This was posted in my journal earlier today..... I laughed my bollocks off!

    The Navy found they had too many officers and senior enlisted so decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The retiring sailor got to choose what those two points would be.

    The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

    The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

    The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

    It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

    But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

    The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chiefs' weenie and began to work back.

    "Dear Lord," he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''

    The old Chief calmly replied, "In Vietnam.''

  9. #99
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    A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time on their honeymoon. When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get home at 5 o clock and every day they would go to bed at 5.15. In the door at 5.00, in the sack at 5.15.

    This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the Doctor to get a antibiotic flu shot.
    That shot killed all of the germs inside her except three.

    These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking about their survival plans.
    One germ said “ I am gonna hide between two toes on her left foot. I don’t think that the antibiotics will find me there.”
    A second exclaimed “I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don’t think that they will find me there”
    The last germ said “I don’t know about you guys, but when the 5.15 pulls out tonight, I’m gonna be on it!”
    "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

    ...small steps....

  10. #100
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    Subject : the female version of the shortest fairy tale ever.

    Once upon a time a guy asked a girl “ Will you marry me?’
    And the girl said “NO!”

    And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had sex with whomever she pleased…….. did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn’t get fat, travelled more, had many boyfriends, saved more money, had all the hot water to herself, never had pubic hairs under the toilet seat lid, watched girlie movies, never had the football on, never wore frickin lacey lingerie that went up her arse, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked good in sweat pants and shirt, and burped, swore and farted all the time !

    The end
    "never let the truth get in the way of a good story "

    ...small steps....

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